


Juvenile Delinquent Wrecks

by mitts46



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-18 03:32:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 68,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29603205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitts46/pseuds/mitts46
Summary: Hi guys,This is the first year and Azkaban of MsKingBean89's All The Young Dudes, but from Sirius' perspective.All main plot points follow her ideas, but the scenes where Sirius is alone, are my idea's because they are, of course, not in Remus' POV.Also, I did get permission from MsKingBean89 to write this.For anyone wondering, the name of this fic is a lyric in the song 'All the Young dudes' and the comments are turned off because I'm aware that people aren't keen on this idea of someone rewriting the masterpiece that is ATYD and all people seem to do is hate on other peoples work.This was originally meant to be the whole fiction because I had a lot of spare time in lockdown, but now with work and stuff, I'm not able to finish it.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 931
Collections: wolfstar daily basis yes





	1. Grimmauld Place

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [All the Young Dudes](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10057010) by [MsKingBean89](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsKingBean89/pseuds/MsKingBean89). 



31st August 1971

Sirius woke for the first time in 11 years with a smile on his face. It was his last full day in this insufferable mansion he had for a house. As of tomorrow, he would have a new home and if he was lucky, new friends he could call his family. There was only one problem. The sorting hat. He reassured himself over and over that everything would be okay and the hat would yell out “Slytherin” before it even touched his head. He reassured himself that he wouldn’t even have to look in Gryffindor’s direction. He even reassured himself that if somehow he ended up in the wrong house, he would still be the Black heir. But thinking this made him sick. Not because he didn’t think it would be true but because he was so scared it would be.

As much as he told himself late at night as he lay in bed staring at the ceiling, legs bleeding and in pain from his mother’s curses, that he hated it, deep down inside him he knew he couldn’t just leave. He didn’t know why but his relatives were still the most important thing to him- except maybe his muggle record collection but that was a secret anyway. He didn’t know if it was the fact that these eerie hallways had given him space to run (if his parents weren’t there obviously), or maybe it was the gardens where he had stared up at the sky watching the stars trying to match each of them with the family member that had been named after the constellation, maybe it was the endless books that had stopped him crying, or maybe it was little Reggie. Sirius’ brother was only one year younger and so as a result they were practically inseparable since the day regulus was born. No matter how hard he tried he could never find a bad word to say about Reggie. He would (and quite often actually did) protect Regulus with his life.

He thought back to that night back 5 years ago. He and Regulus were on their way back upstairs after reading up on how they could move all the millions of portraits around the mansion without getting caught. They had made sure the books were put back exactly where they had been found so neither their mother nor father would be able to tell which books they had been reading. He didn’t think there would be any trouble really as they were often applauded for reading in the library but Regulus was scared and so of course Sirius had to prove to him everything would be fine. After all the books they had to put away they were ten minutes later than their curfew so they had to sneak up along the corridors silently. Neither of the brothers had ever been late to bed before. Sure they had caused many other problems and broke many other rules but never ever had they risked not being in bed at 10:00. His father’s voice rang in his head from the day before when he had put a spell on Regulus’ broom so he would not be able to stop until he confessed his love for 'dear old brother Sirius who I look up to so much”

“Whom,” Sirius had corrected as the broom slowed to a halt before tipping Regulus upside down completely.

“You are the heir to my family!” His father had yelled, “You will act like the Pureblood you are! And you will not put one more foot out of line or else there will be consequences worse than you have ever experienced before!”

They were nearly back to their rooms when it happened.

The door opened. Their parent’s door opened. Their parent’s door opened and the light switch on. They ran. They had tried stealth, now they had to try speed. They hid under Sirius’ bed clinging to each other. Then suddenly-

“Sirius Orion Black!”

His mother’s dissonant voice knocked him back to reality. He shook himself letting the horrific memory nestle again into the back of his mind.

He rose from his desk and put the smile back on his face. His mother scared him half to death but he would be rid of her for a few months tomorrow if he only got through the day. And so, he rolled his shoulders back and made his way down the stairs eager not to upset his mother by his tardiness.

…………

Later that evening, Sirius was sat opposite his father at the head of the colossal wooden table (only the best for the Black Family of course), which ran nearly the whole length of the room. Despite this, if you were to stand the table up again the wall, it wouldn’t even reach half of the way up to the golden arches that framed the black ceiling. He secretly thought it was overkill for the four people who lived there to have such a huge table but Sirius couldn’t help but think about how amazed all his friends would be when he bought them home over the summer. A smile tugged at the side of his mouth as he reached for his glass of water.

“And what do you think you’re smirking at?” Hissed a voice from the other side of the room.

Sirius looked up in fear, his hand slipping knocking his glass over. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Regulus flinch. He knew what was coming.

“You worthless little slug!” His father's voice boomed, “How dare you ruin your last meal with us! Apologise immediately”

Sirius gulped.

“Sorry,” He squeaked

“I beg your pardon!”

“I’m very sorry for knocking over the water sir. It won’t happen again,” His voice trembling as much as his hands.

His father sat down and snarled, “Go to your room boy.”

Sirius curled his hand into a fist and opened his mouth to say something back to him. Oh, how he would love to curse the man, but he couldn’t get expelled from Hogwarts before he even got there. He closed his mouth again and turned towards to door. Footsteps echoing as he exited, he could faintly hear his father’s voice.

“How did we get stuck with such an ungrateful wretch?”

Sirius whipped his head back around but caught Regulus’ eye. It told him to hold off. _I’ll get him back later_ , he thought to himself as he ran up to his room.

……….

He couldn’t sleep. His mind was full. He tried to read his school books again for the fifth time, not sure if he wanted to read to distract himself or to make sure his grades wouldn’t disappoint his parents. Either way, he couldn’t. He was thinking about what every other 11-year-old going to Hogwarts was doing right now. He envisioned everyone sound asleep with smiles on their faces having just spent the day lounging around with friends and saying goodbye to other relatives and laughing over games and food. He imagined everyone doing everything he wished he had done. But his mind wouldn’t stop there. Oh no. It showed him people's childhoods. People growing up. Growing up with friends. With loving families. People growing up doing things they loved not what they were forced to do out of fear. His mind then showed him his childhood. There was no smiling, no laughing, no running in fields, no quidditch with friends. Instead, he saw blood, crying, and screaming. He lifted his hand to rub his eyes to keep himself awake. They were wet. His parents had taught him to hide his emotions so well he couldn’t even recognise when he was crying more. He turned his light off immediately and yanked the covers all the way over his head. He missed the childhood he never even had.

……….

1st September 1971

He wasn’t sure who the boy staring back at him from the mirror was but it wasn’t Sirius. His pitch-black hair was pin-straight and sat just above his shoulders. His face was white as paper, not a single imperfection. And his robes were so impeccable that he had to move his arms around to check they were real. He hated it. He ruffled hair until it curled up at the bottom and was covering his eyes. He rubbed his cheeks for ten minutes straight watching as the red colour finally seeped back in. He unbuttoned his robe and pulled the tie loose so he could unbutton to the top of his shirt. Leaning against the wall, he grinned at himself. That was sure to annoy his mother just enough that he got a reaction but not enough that he wouldn’t be allowed to go to Hogwarts.

As he ran along the corridor to the stairs, he couldn’t remember the last time he has felt so exhilarated. Halfway down to the spiral staircase he heard someone call out to him. It was Reggie.

“Sirius?”

He noticed the red around his eyes. Regulus had been crying. Sirius felt a rush of anger towards his parents. What had they done to him after Sirius had left the dining room last night?

“Hey mate. You alright?” He asked tentatively

“Please…. please don’t leave,” Regulus was barely audible but Sirius heard him well enough.

“Come here,” Sirius pulled his brother into a tight hug having to hold back tears himself now. He couldn’t remember the last he had given Regulus a hug. In fact, he couldn’t remember the last time he had given anyone a hug, ”I know you don’t want me to go, and trust me I don’t want to be without you either but I have to go. And you will to next year.”

“I don’t care that you're leaving Sirius”

“Oi, you prick. What do you mean? Not going to miss your bestest big brother?” Sirius joked hoping to make his brother laugh or at least smile.

“You can’t leave me alone with them. They’ll-“

“Let’s not think about that,” He replied quickly, “I’ll write to you, and I’ll be back before you even realise I’m gone. You have to be brave. If not for you, for me. It’ll make me very proud to know my brother is the most fearless Black to have ever lived”

Regulus didn’t reply he just squeezed Sirius harder.

“Boys,” Came his mother's voice from the bottom of the stairs.

“Stay here,” Sirius whispered and he went swiftly to her.

At the sight of him, his mother gasped. She quickly recovered and yanked him by the tie closer to her. She slapped him. Hard. Right across the face. Sirius looked up and blinked over and over, his cheek stinging.

“If you wanted red cheeks all you had to do was ask,” She hissed at him before pointing her wand at him.

Instantly his tie yanked at his throat. He choked and spluttered for what seemed like forever as he struggled to breathe. If his mother cared that she was hurting her son she didn’t show it.

“S..s..t….top,” He managed to get out.

Curling the corner of her mouth up she raised the wand to fix his hair as he grasped his throat struggling for breath.

Sirius risked one last glance up to where Regulus had been hoping for a look of reassurance and a smile or a wave. Sirius could just make Regulus out, hiding behind the corner. He kept his face straight as Sirius smiled at him; he kept his face straight in a look of pure terror.


	2. First year- Sirius meets his new family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware these two chapter are only 1800-1900 words, but don't worry, the rest will be the usual 2100-2500.  
> Tw: mention of not eating.

Sirius stood next to his mother at the platform silently. He hadn’t said a word all the journey to the station and he certainly wasn’t going to start now. He stared straight ahead barely even breathing or blinking. His toes wriggled in his shoes (which were polished so much Sirius could see his reflection in them), eager to make a run for it. Deciding that was pushing the limits for the day, he resulted in twirling his foot around on the cobbled stone floor in order to scuff up the once flawless shoes. For a while, Sirius was sure he had gotten away with it and considered hopping straight onto the train. But deep down he knew that was just wishful thinking. Soon enough, Walburga noticed her son’s antics and grabbed his hair yanking his head up, obviously refraining from yelling at him as not to draw attention to them. Of course, Walburga had no problems with stares, she could often just curse them anyway, but she would not have people stare at her heir scuffing his shoes. Sirius was about to say something when a boy across from him, sitting on the train caught his eye. He hadn’t seen him before, so he wasn’t a pure-blood, which was good because they wouldn’t be related but also good because being friends with him would really piss his mother off.

The boy was staring at him out of the window of the train. He obviously wasn’t paying attention otherwise he would have looked away as soon as Sirius caught his eye. He of average height but thin as a stick. You might say he looked like he hadn’t eaten in weeks, but Sirius knew the tired look you get in your eyes from starving. He thought back to the Easter before when Sirius was locked in his bedroom for two weeks with so much as one bread roll and a piece of cheese a day. This strange boy did not have that look in his eyes. His eyes shone with something Sirius couldn’t quite put his finger on yet. Fear? Excitement maybe? Then he got it! A secret. A very, very, very big secret. _New mission,_ he thought, _find out the secret._

Mystery boy’s hair was cut so short, from so far away Sirius had thought he was bald at first. There was something very charming about him that made Sirius want to know more. Maybe it was the muggle clothes that had always intrigued Sirius, or maybe it was the way he twiddled with his hands, keeping to himself and looking so small, despite his height and intimidating look.

Sirius wasn’t blind, nor was he modest. He was fully aware of his own dashingly good looks. Just like he was aware that every member of the black family had been blessed with the same gift. But Mystery boy was different. He wasn’t beautiful, or breathtakingly handsome, but Sirius couldn’t help but feel like Mystery boy was on a whole other level completely. Subconsciously, Sirius decided that whether he liked it or not, Mystery boy would be his best friend.

Just as he was about to turn away, Mystery boy blinked and seemed to acknowledge for the first time what he was looking at. Raising an eyebrow at him, Sirius couldn’t help but wonder why the boy was staring at him. He suddenly felt very self-conscious but hoped that smirk that her threw in Mystery boy’s direction was enough to hide it. Then, to his relief, Mystery boy stuck his tongue under his bottom lip, his chin bulging. Sirius grinned. Looking up at his mother to check she wasn’t looking, he threw two fingers up at his new Mystery boy, before the boy turned away.

“Sirius, what do you think you are doing? Come here at once!” Walburga’s raspy voice broke him out of his trance at once as she dragged him further and further from his Mystery boy.

Sirius couldn’t help rolling his eyes as he shook her off and followed her obediently, dragging his feet across the floor to make sure his mother was fully aware f his frustration.

“Cousin!” Sirius heard someone yell, or screech really, as he trudged along the platform to the very back of the train.

He wasn’t sure if he'd imagined it, but as he got further and further towards the Slytherin carriage, he felt the air change. It suddenly was very, very cold. Feeling goosebumps prick at his skin, he shuddered and rubbed his arms.

Sirius groaned inwardly as he heard the voice. He knew exactly who had called him.

“Sirius?” His mother spoke firmly but not as angry as she was before,” Good luck today, do us proud. If you don’t….. well, I’m sure you know what comes next.”

Any tiny hint of empathy completely vanished.

A sick feeling arose him Sirius’ stomach as his mother grinned her evil grin. He decided it better just to not answer because he was sure to make it worse. With a nod of his head, he turned towards the train.

Any hope he had of riding with his Mystery boy or even alone was ruined as he came face to face with his two cousins, Narcissa and Bellatrix. Keeping his head down her tried to go round them but he knew it was hopeless. Bellatrix stuck her foot out tripping him up. As he landed flat on the ground, face against the red carpet of the train, he could hear the cackles of the other Slytherins. His hatred for them only grew. Due to the thoughts and dreams of the previous night, he no longer felt he owed his parents anything and so no longer longed to be in Slytherin. Actually, he longed to be anything but Slytherin.

Holding out her bony hand, full of rings, Narcissa helped him up, her black hair falling in front of her eyes as she did so. Not wanting to give his cousins the satisfaction, he resisted the urge to brush himself off.

“Sit,” Narcissa whispered calmly, “you’ll only make things worse.”

Sirius pondered this for a minute- he didn’t hate Narcissa as he hated Bellatrix but he certainly felt no need to be civil with her. He laughed, “As if I would actually want to sit with you toffs.”

He turned to walk away but someone grabbed him. It was Bellatrix. Or more specifically it was a spell Bellatrix had cast. Sirius was exceptionally bright for his age, always had been, but he knew (much to his disappointment), that he was no match for his cousin’s magic.

“Come now, little Cousin. Sit or I might just have to hurt you,” She snarled as she edged close enough to Sirius’ face that he could feel her breath on his face.

Sirius pushed her head back as she growled with resentment. As he slid down into the nearest seat, his mind whirled with ideas on how to escape. He had thought up loads of good plans, but all of them involved magic which he couldn’t actually do yet.

Sirius stood as he said, “I’m going to the toilet,” keeping his head low.

“Little Cousin didn’t your mother teach you any manners. You must ask permission to leave the presence of you elder,” Sirius could see the joy in her eyes as she tortured him with her stare.

“Oh yes, of course, I wasn’t thinking. You certainly look as though you have become one of my elders over the summer. Not a good one, eh?”

“Why you little brat! Sit down at once or I will hurt you very badly,” She paused considering the best way to get under the boy's skin, ”Or worse, I’ll notify your parents of your despicable behaviour.”

Sirius’ grin only grew as he said, ”I would rather be dead than caught sitting with you!”

“Oh, darling I’m sure that can be arranged,” She rasped, reaching for her wand.

“Oh, as if! You wouldn’t dare kill me! You’re just as terrified of my parents as I am!”

“Wouldn’t I?” She asked innocently, eyes big. Her expression changed instantly, “Come here you little-“

“Bellatrix! Leave him. We will see him at the feast anyway when he is sorted into Slytherin,” Narcissa said the last few words with an extra harshness as if she was warning him; as if he actually had a choice at which house he was sorted into.

Sirius considered saying something witty back to this, but couldn’t risk being asked to sit down again.

Quite pleased with himself for getting free from his cousins, he strolled the train with his chin up, completely oblivious to the fearful and somewhat admirable looks he was getting from most of the other students. Everyone knew the Black family. Whether you were a pureblood or half-blood. Even most of the muggle-borns had heard of his family, and it they hadn’t, they would very, very soon. He didn’t look around as he walked all the way back to the front of the train where he had seen Mystery boy, hoping he was still there. He wanted to get to his seat before the train started moving.

He got there just in time. Mystery boy was sitting with two other boys now but judging by the look on Mystery boy’s face, Sirius could tell her had only just met them. Stopping abruptly as he saw him, Sirius inhaled to calm his nerves and opened to door to the compartment, a smile on his face ear to ear. Mystery boy’s expression did not seem to match, which only made Sirius smile even wider (if that was possible).

“None of you are related to me, are you?” Sirius asked cheerily hoping to make a good first impression.

“Don’t think so,” The boy on his right with messy black hair chuckled, ”James Potter.”

He held out his hand. Sirius shook it happily as he said, ”Oh good, a Potter. Dad told me not to talk to you.”

Sirius could not believe his luck. A “Blood traitor” family and either a half-blood or a muggle-born. Sirius imagined the look on his parent's faces with a wince.  
James grinned as Sirius sat down next to his Mystery boy. He shuffled away from Sirius, looking somewhat uncomfortable. Normally Sirius might be quite hurt by this but it just made him even more curious about the boy.

“Sirius Black,” He said nodding to the other boy,” And you are?”

“Peter Pettigrew,” He whimpered.

Sirius narrowed his eyes slightly not wanting anyone to see. The boy was scared of him. Before today and seeing Mystery boy, Sirius had thought of himself as quite a good judge of character, and he knew this boy was going to get on his nerves. Quickly he turned to his left and raised his eyebrows at his Mystery boy.

“Remus,” He grumbled in a low voice.

“Just Remus,” Sirius ventured. _What a cool name_ , he thought to himself

“Remus lupin”

_Even cooler!_


	3. First year- Sirius make Black family history

Sirius yawned as he strolled the length of the great hall. The speech Professor McGonagall had just given the first years had nearly put him to sleep. _As if people actually didn’t know about the sorting hat and which each house stood for,_ he groaned to himself. It seemed Sirius was one of the only first years who wasn’t staring in awe at the Great hall. Even James and Peter, who were both Purebloods, looked up at the magical ceiling. They didn’t look shocked like the muggle-borns, but Sirius stiffed a laugh as he realised their mouths were open slightly. Sure, enough though, as Sirius stole a glance at his Mystery boy, Sirius saw that he also no expression on his face, however, the look in his eyes told Sirius he was silently very impressed.

Professor McGonagall stood at the end of the hall, face thin and very stern but not exactly unfriendly. Next to her was a stool and the dusty sorting hat. Shifting his weight to one hip, Sirius folded his arms and signed. This was going to be very boring.

After lots of sorting and then cheering from the houses, Sirius was called forwards. He was the first out of the four boys to get sorted. Forgetting to put on his façade, Sirius’ lip trembled as he took a step forward. It all felt too real now. He was petrified of what his parents would say. In a moment of weakness, Sirius prayed he would be in Slytherin.  
Sirius sat trembling on the stool not daring to look at either his new friends or his cousins. The hat was placed on his head as it screeched,” Gryffindor!”  
Sirius’ mouth gaped. He was torn. Half of him was so pleased with himself he nearly smiled, but part of him felt like he had let down his family. He gulped back a sob of fear as he got up from the stool, trying not to think about what his punishment would be. He felt somewhat better when he thought of regulus back home. He felt he would shoe Regulus how to be brave, and if that didn’t work then he would just have to be brave for the both of them.

Casting a longing look at the Slytherin table, he caught sight of his cousins, who were whispering to the people around them but not shifting their gazes of Sirius. He narrowed his eyes at them to match their expression. They turned away in disgust, hissing.

He slowly made his way to the Gryffindor table to the shocked round of applause.

Sirius must have dozed off because when he opened his eyes, he was sat face to face with his Mystery boy.

“How great is that?!” James smiled, “We all made it!”

Sirius flopped his head onto the table and sighed. What was he going to do now? Suddenly, he didn’t feel very brave anymore. His mind was swimming with all the punishments he had ever had and imagined them all ten times worse and more painful. Sirius shuddered.

Speak for yourself,” He murmured, “My Father’s going to kill me!”

Sirius zoned out again not trusting himself to speak. He wouldn’t show his friends he was afraid and he certainly could let his friends see him cry. Not about his family. He would never talk about his family to them. What would they think of him if they knew?

……….

Sirius was awoken from his trance as professor McGonagall walked towards their table.

“Mr Lupin,” She whispered, just loudly enough that Sirius could hear, “If you would come to my office after dinner? It’s next to the Gryffindor common room, one of the prefects can show you.”

Remus nodded without saying a word. Sirius felt sorry for him; he knew fear when he saw it.

“What was that about? McGonagall wants to see you already?” James asked, concerned.

Sirius looked up now also, genuinely interested and glad to have something to take his mind off his parents. Sirius was studying Remus’ face for any intel but got nothing. Sirius did notice, however, Remus’ black eye. Sirius felt a tug on his heart looking at the boy’s sad face. Sirius wondered if that was what Professor McGonagall had wanted to talk to him about. But he certainly hadn’t gotten it since arriving on school grounds. Sirius would have seen; he had been watching Remus all the way from the train. Sirius wondered if-

The food appeared before he could finish his thought. Sirius smirked at the surprised look that flashed across Remus’ face. Wow, Sirius thought, he really knows nothing about this place then?

Sirius sighed as he looked at the banquet (ignoring the disgusted look on Remus’ face no doubt thinking Sirius was being spoilt.). It reminded him too much of the last one he had had at his house 24 hours before. It seemed that Hogwarts wasn’t much different from his mansion after all.

Sirius didn’t eat much that day. Unsurprisingly, he had lost all of his appetite. He just wanted to sleep. Then he wanted to wake up and pretend it had never happened. He gaped in awe are Remus who gobbled down four plates of chicken and potatoes followed by three bowls of chocolate cake. Sirius couldn’t help being astonished at the physique Remus had managed to obtain; especially if he ate like that all the time.

Seeing as Sirius was not stuffing his face with food, he had nothing to distract himself with when Frank Longbottom, one of the Gryffindor's prefects, came to introduce himself.

“Hello boys, girls,” He said smartly, “Frank Longbottom. Want to follow me?”

Desperate to get away from the glares of his cousins, Sirius jumped up at once. James stifled a snigger as Sirius nearly tripped over the bench. Sirius glared at him, trying (rather unsuccessfully) to hide his grin.

The first years followed frank up the moving stairs to the common room. Just as they were about to enter, he noticed Remus slip off to the side. Sirius grabbed James, who grabbed Peter and followed Remus to the office.

“Want us to wait for you mate,” Asked James

Sirius could see Remus’ mind working like clockwork. He eyes James almost suspiciously before answering, “Why?”

His voice was very stern but James was completely oblivious.

“So you don’t end up on your own”

Remus’ expression seemed to soften ever so slightly before answering, “No, I’m fine.”

Remus knocked on the door and entered. Sirius turned toward James but he was still staring at the door after Remus.

“So, what do you think that’s about?” Peter asked anxiously almost as if he didn’t actually want anyone to hear him.

“I don’t know but-“

“Boys, what are you doing?”

It was Frank. Sirius jumped up from leaning on the wall.

“We’re waiting for our friend he Is just in Professor McGonagall’s office and we didn’t want him to have to walk back on his own.”

“Hmm…” He peered at them, “Alright then, the password is widdershins. Wait ten more minutes and if he is not back then you must come to the common room anyway. Alright?”

All three of the boys nodded their heads quickly before Frank turned and strode away. Sirius slunk back to lean against the wall again.

“Sirius?” James questioned.

Sirius just raised an eyebrow at him.

“Are you alright mate you seem a bit…. umm… sad I guess?”

Sirius’ eye flicked to Peter as he scowled. James seemed to get the message that Sirius himself didn’t even know he was sending.

“Later then eh mate? When Peters gone?” He whispered

Sirius just nodded, not sure if he wanted to talk about it yet. Or ever really. But he decided one person knowing about his family drama couldn’t be that big of a deal. Besides, James was a nice boy and Sirius thought he was trustworthy enough.

Peter glanced at the clock on the wall and said, “It’s been ten minutes, hadn’t we better go back? I don’t fancy getting in trouble on the first night.”

Sirius fought the urge to snap at the boy. Did he really think it was okay to just leave Remus alone like that?

“You guys go, I’ll wait,” James announced.

He had a certain authority about him that Sirius found very hard to argue with. Sirius was going to get on with James very well. There would be no arguing from him. Against James anyway- he couldn’t make promises about peter. And there definitely would be any fights with Remus if the boy wouldn’t even talk to them. As Sirius trudged back along the hall, he changed the mission he had set out on the train. He could put that one off for a while. Before he could find out all of Mystery boy’s secrets, he needed to get him to talk to them without that angry look on this face.

……….

No less than five minutes after Sirius and peter had gotten up to their dorm, James entered followed closely by Remus. Sirius ignored peters wailing about not being able to find his wand and stared across the room into nothingness. He wasn’t quite sure how to feel yet. He didn’t know if he missed the loneliness of his room back home or if he was just scared to let go of it. He didn’t know if he was ashamed of himself or just frightened for what his parents might do to Regulus because of him.

“Cheer up mate,” James smiled, “You didn’t want to be in Slytherin anyway.”

“Five hundred years. Every Black at Hogwarts has been sorted into Slytherin for five hundred years,” Sirius muttered, not shifting his gaze in the slightest.  
James patted him on the back comfortingly as he said, “Well, it’s about time someone tried to be different, eh?”

Sirius faked a sad sort of smile as he thought about the last person who tried to be different in his family. Andromeda. His other cousin. She had married a muggle-born and was instantly disowned from his family never to make contact with any of them except Sirius every again. He shuddered at the thought of never being able to see Reggie again.  
He started to unpack, hoping to stop thinking such horrific thoughts. He unpacked every single book had brought first. He must have had at least fifty but he couldn’t help it. Reading was an escape.

“You know,” James said, suddenly next to him, “There is a library here.”

Sirius smirked at him as he explained how the books were all Muggle books and how he had to bring them or else his mother would set fire to every single last one of them. He caught Remus out of the corner of his eye, studying his books with an unidentifiable look on his face. Sirius decided not to think much of it and went to pick up his record player. Almost instantly Remus came over.

Sirius felt his eyes light up and the boy asked, “Is that Abbey road?”

Sirius handed it over to him grinning, “Yeah. You must be muggle-born. Never met a wizard who knows the beetles- except my cousin Andromeda. She bought them for me.”

“I love The Beetles, one of the boys in my room at home’s got at least ten singles, but he never lets me touch them.”

Sirius felt rather fascinated by this. Did Remus have a brother too?

“Boys at home? Do you mean your brother?”

Remus shook his head, “No. I live in a children’s home.”

Backing away, Remus handed back the record. Sirius felt awful. Remus was obviously ashamed of this information and Sirius had made him out himself.

He was about to apologise when Peter butted it, “Like an orphanage?”

Sirius shot him the cruellest look he could master before turning to see Remus’ response.

“No,” He spat.

Sirius smiled to himself as he thought, _W_ _ow Black_ , _you’ve finally done it. Watch out for that one, he’s even more grumpy than you when you’re in a mood._

Once again Sirius felt his eyes shift to the bruise on Remus’ face. So that was where he got it. Why did McGonagall want to talk to him about that? he wondered.

“Oi Black. Like my poster?”

Sirius looked over to James poster on the wall. It wasn't Sirius’ favourite quidditch team, but he liked them none the less: Chudley cannons. However, it was certainly his least favourite player.

“You tosser. What you got him up there for?”

James looked seriously stunned for a few moments, “Because he’s the best player?!”

“He most certainly is not!”

“I’m going to be just like him when I’m older.”

Sirius howled with laughter at the love-struck look on his friend’s face, “Well in that case I don’t know if I feel more sorry for you or him.”

“Very funny black but I see there is only one way fitting to settle this debate.”

Sirius smirked and raised an eyebrow, “Quidditch match?”

“Quidditch match,” James confirmed.

In the moment Sirius forgot all about his family back at his house and smiled at his new best friend in his new home.

Peter joined in the debate about who the best quidditch player was, and Sirius and James could both agree with each other that Peter was truly and utterly wrong. By this time Remus had drawn the curtains around her bed. Sirius desperately wanted to go and talk to him but if he was asleep Sirius didn’t want to wake him.

“You’d think he’d try harder to make friends,” Peter whispered all too loudly, “Especially if he’s muggle-born.”

Sirius felt a rush of protectiveness towards his new friend and frustration towards Peter. It was one thing to think it, that but to say it?!

“Are you sure the hat wasn’t supposed to put you in Slytherin?” Sirius growled.

That shut peter up but Sirius was still concerned about his Mystery boy. Sirius lay back on his bed and waited for sleep to take him, thinking about Remus right before he closed his eyes, without realising he would do the exact same thing for many years to come.


	4. First year- First week

The next morning, Sirius woke up and jumped out of bed. He was in a much better mood than he had been the day before, the sleep must have done him good. The first thing he did was rip open James’ curtains and scramble into his bed. James groaned but didn’t tell him to get out.

“Wotcher, Black,” He grunted as he reached for his glasses.

“Just wanted to say hello.”

James pushed back the curtains and looked over at peter he was fast asleep.

“Alright then. Wanna talk about yesterday?”

“Not really,” Sirius’ mood dropped suddenly.

“Pete’s asleep mate I swear, he won’t hear anything.”

“I appreciate it, I really do, but I don’t want to ruin the first day with a talk about my preposterous family.”

“Okay then….. we’ll ruin the evening. We’ll leave dinner early and you can tell me everything,” James said with a wink.

Sirius agreed reluctantly but thought that maybe it would be nice to rant to someone. He made his way over to Remus’ bed but stopped just before he opened the curtains. Had it been James he would have just burst in, but James wore his heart on his sleeve. Remus was a lot more closed off and Sirius thought he ought to respect that.

“Remus?” He whispered.

No answer. Sirius slowly opened the curtains only to see an empty bed. As James got in the shower, Sirius sneaked away in pursuit of his Mystery boy. Sirius looked all day but he didn’t see Remus until after dinner when they were all gifted with maps of the castle. Sirius thought the maps were pointless and useless but he saw Remus staring at it with a fascinated (if somewhat confused) look on his face. Sirius locked that thought away, thinking it was a good conversation starter for when Remus finally came around.  
Back upstairs in their dorm, James was sitting crossed leg opposite Sirius. Peter was playing chess in the common room with some of the second years and Remus was…. Well, wherever he had been all day Sirius assumed.

“Okay mate just tell me everything and I won’t speak until the end I swear.”

Sirius sighed but continued, “Well I’m sure you know all about the Black family, the rules we have to follow and the authority we have to assert and all that bollocks. Well let’s just say I’m not too good at keeping up with all their expectations. I can’t help it. It’s just in my nature to rebel, I guess. Especially when my family are pure goddam evil. But anyway, I was hoping coming here would mean I’m away from them for good, but now that I’ve been put in Gryffindor I know I’m not going to catch a break. I get punished a lot….”

James looked like he was about to ask what he meant but seeing the tears brimming Sirius’ eyes, he decided against it.

“But this, this is going to be far worse and I’m… well I’m scared. But not just for me, for my brother as well.”

“What if we found a spell? One that could stop your cousins telling your Mother?”

Sirius’ eyes widened in shock as he remembered that day with Regulus. Their mother creeping out of the room. She-

“Sirius?” James asked gently.

“No,” He snapped, “It wouldn’t work.”

“Of course it would! We can-“

“I said no!”

James gulped trying to hide the hurt in his eyes, “Okay mate. I’m sorry I-“

“I know, don’t worry about it,” Sirius grumbled. He couldn’t share that secret yet. Maybe one day he would. But not now. Not where he was so vulnerable. If there was one thing his parents had taught him that was actually useful, it was never to trust someone with your feelings. If someone knew your true thoughts, they could hurt you in a way nobody else could. What his mother didn’t know at the time was that that advice would one day save his and his friend's lives.

By this point, Sirius had tears streaming down his face.

After a very long moment, James being the sensible boy he was said, “Let’s not think about it then until it becomes a problem yeah?”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. James hadn’t tried to persuade him it was okay and he certainly hadn’t pushed him to elaborate on his feeling. Sirius hadn’t felt like this before, but he liked it. The feeling of relief with a bit of warmth.

“Please can we not talk about my family around the other two?” He asked shyly.

“Course not mate. Now get your fat arse out of bed you lazy prat, those luscious locks of yours aren’t going to wash themselves,” James winked.  
Sirius tackled him knocking him off the bed. James unable to control his laughter, was on the floor in seconds.

“Wanker,” The boys said in unison.

They stared at each other for a moment in shock before simultaneously bursting out into laughter again.

……….

The rest of the week passed by almost exactly the same as the first day. Sirius would wake up, look for Remus, James would try and get him to tell him more about his family, Sirius refused (for now at least, he thought), and then they would fall asleep talking about quidditch or funny spells they had learned.  
This happened every day without fail until the Sunday. The day before the first lessons were due to start.

_What would you think if I sang out of tune?_

_Would you stand up and walk out with me?_

_Lend me your ears, I’ll sing you a song_

_And I’ll try not to sing out of key_

Sirius, James, and Peter were sitting on the floor at the end of each of their beds, listening to Sirius play his records extra loudly just to get on the other two’s nerves. It’s not that they particularly didn’t like the music they just couldn’t see the joy in listening to muggle music when you could listen to wizards play the piano. Sirius rolled his eyes at the thought of ever having to have another piano lesson from his parents again. He was keen to find the right moment to bring that up, just because it gave him the chance to brag about something else to James. Outside the window, Sirius could see the moon starting to rise. He had always pretended he hated astronomy to annoy his parents, and to be totally honest he did hate learning the names of stars and whatnot, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he could watch the night sky for hours on end without getting bored.

Sirius looked away from the window to see James smirking at him, eyebrows raised, “All right there? Having fun waiting for your star you arrogant toff?”

“Is that a hint of jealously I hear?” Sirius held his gaze.

Both boys heard Peter groan and mumble, “Here we go again.”

Both boys also then chose to ignore him.

“Jealous? Of what? A star? Merlin! Of all the things I could choose to be named after I would one hundred million percent not choose to be named after a star.”

“No, jealous that somebody chose to name me after the brightest. Much cleverer than you eh?”

“Oh, keep dreaming Black. You wait till lessons start tomorrow. I will beat your arse you prick.”

Sirius launched himself at James. Not because he was annoyed at what James said (he knew very well he would be the smartest in the year whether he tried or not) but because he knew how much Pete hated it.

Pete was over them in a second pulling them apart.

“If you two are quite done,” He said with a shake of his head, “We have bigger problems.”

Sirius and James jumped up immediately excited for something to do after a week of nothingness.

“Remus still isn’t back,” Pete said matter-of-factly.

Sirius frowned. Whilst Remus hadn’t been in contact with them all week, he was always back at the same time of seven o’clock without fail.  
James was obviously just as concerned and broke to silence by saying, “Should we go and look for him?”

Pete looked like he had seen a ghost as he said, “B..b..but we’ll get in t..trouble.”

Sirius clenched his fist. Their friend was missing and this boy was worried about a stupid detention.

“I don’t care,” He growled, “Me and James….well, James would do the same for you.”

Sirius ignored Pete as his eyes dropped and started fiddling with his hands, obviously hurt.

“No Sirius, I’m sorry but Pete is right,” Said James.

As he saw the look of revelation on his face and continued, “Not for the reason of not wanting a detention, but because if Remus wanted us to know where he was, he would have told us.”

“But what is he’s in trouble?”

“He’s been walking around on his own for a whole week and not come to any trouble before okay so let’s just go to bed and we will ask him in the morning,” James reasoned, sensing Sirius’ worry.

Sirius knew James was right and felt somewhat hurt that Remus hadn’t wanted to tell the boys where he was going. Oh well, just another one of his many secrets, he said to himself as he sat on his bed, looking out of the window again. James eyes Pete, telling him not to say another word and the boys got into their beds. As James and Peter lied down, Sirius sat up staring out into the grounds. He could have sworn he saw three shapes move towards a towering tree in the distance. Putting it down to his tiredness, Sirius thought he had imagined it and tried to sleep, reminding himself to consult ‘Hogwarts a history’ for the one-hundredth time since he was born to look up the plant which almost looked as though it was moving. He couldn’t remember it ever being there before but maybe it had just slipped his memory. He stayed up a few more hours hoping for the return of his Mystery boy, but when he did not come, Sirius finally lay down. He fell asleep almost as soon as he closed his eyes, and dreamt he heard howling coming from outside the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is 'with a little help from my friends' by the Beatles.


	5. First year- First lessons

6th September 1971

Waking up the next day, Sirius’ mind went straight to Remus. He leaped out of bed and stalked swiftly over to Remus’ bed. This time, feeling as though Remus didn’t deserve his privacy respected this time, tore open the curtains ready for a full-on shouting match. The bed was empty.

Sirius shook James awake.

“James.. Wake up you big poof… Remus isn’t back,” He yelled.

James woke with a grunt and fumbled on the side for his glasses. As soon as he had them on, he turned to Remus’ bed.

“Let’s not jump to any conclusion yeah mate?” James said though Sirius could hear the tremor in his voice.

“What’s going on?” Drawled a voice from across the room, “Oh, um, where’s Remus?”

“Well, if we knew that we wouldn’t be waking you up to us yelling about how he’s not back yet would we?!” Sirius growled.

Peter turned away with a gulp.

“Leave off Black, he didn’t know,” Said James, treading carefully on eggshells.

Sirius just huffed.

“Well?” He asked, “What are we going to do about it?”

“Maybe we should go and look for him this time?” Peter squeaked, clearly shaken by Sirius’ outburst.

“No. Let’s just get dressed and go down to breakfast. If he’s not there, then we go and look okay? It’s not going to help anyone if lose our heads,” James decided very sternly.

Sirius wasn’t sure he agreed with James, but who was Sirius to defy him when he used that authoritative voice?

Sirius turned on his heel and went to get dressed. Not long after the door opened.

“Where were you?!” James asked almost yelling. He had clearly forgotten everything he had just said about being calm.

Remus looked awful. His blonde curls were stuck out at all angles, his eyes were red, yet not wet so it wasn’t from crying and he had dark circles around his eyes.

“Nowhere.” Remus had walked past all of them without looking up. Sirius couldn’t help but notice the way Remus walked as if he was hurt.

Sirius felt terrible. He had been so mad at Remus, that he hadn’t stopped to think about what Remus had gone through. For this reason, he took a softer approach.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” James ventured, “You look at bit weird”

Remus scowled at them as he said, “Piss off.”

Sirius glared at James; he might have gotten somewhere if he hadn’t butted in.

“We’re just being nice,” Peter said carefully.

Remus held Peters's gaze for a while before turning away to get dressed. None of them stopped looking at Remus, hoping that he could give up and tell them what had happened, but Remus obviously not in the mood for talking.

“What?!” He yelled, “You all gonna watch me get dressed? You posh boys are all a bunch of poofs!”

Remus trooped to the bathroom, slamming to the door behind him.

“Shall we wait for him?” Peter wondered.

“No,” Sirius said a bit too coldly, “He needs space. Let’s go.”

……….

Sirius’ first week was all he ever hoped it would be and so much more- even with James annoying him every minute to get him to confess what he almost did about his family on the first night. All the first years seemed just as excited (especially the redhead names Lilly Evans who Sirius found highly irritating, though that was probably because she was the only one half as clever as he was), except for Remus who looked like he was ready to pack up and leave at any moment. Just as Sirius had suspected, he was by far the smartest student and found every single one of his subjects a breeze. He didn’t have a favorite subject he found them all just quite boring, to be honest, however, he thought this might be a good thing because it also meant that he didn’t hate any of his subjects.

Sirius had also completely zoned out in history. _This is pointless, who hasn’t read Hogwarts a history?!_ He thought. James agreed with him also as he said it to him when they left the classroom. Remus looked as though he might be sick, which suggested to Sirius that Remus had not read the book. Never mind though; for their homework, they had to read it so Remus would have caught up soon enough. This was the only homework they got that Sirius was actually considering doing, but only because he still hadn’t had time to look up the falling apart building that had so suddenly appeared in the grounds this year.

One of the most exciting things that happened all week though, was in transfiguration with Professor McGonagall. She wasn’t the most exciting teacher, she was quite strict actually, but she was nowhere near as bad as some of his other teachers. They were all sitting down ready to start the lesson by the time the first years realized they didn’t actually have a teacher. Sirius and James shared a look, a moment of understanding passing through them. Just as they were about to jump up the tables and cast a spell to send everyone’s paper flying up into the air, a noise came from the back of the classroom. Everyone turned their heads. It was Mrs Norris, the caretaker's cat. In an instance, the boy's plan changed. They straighten their robes and stalked to the back of the classroom; noses held high in the air. Once they were a couple of meters away, they raised their wands. They hadn’t really learned much in charms except the levitating spell, which Sirius could only use to make a pinecone spin. But they didn’t want to hurt the cat so maybe spinning was the best use of the spell in this case anyway. Just as the boys opened their mouths, the cat changed. It was no longer Mrs Norris. In fact, it was their teacher. James’ eyes widened in shock and Sirius’ mouth just hung open.

After a few moments of McGonagall staring at them frowning (though Sirius was sure he could see a slight smirk in the corner of her mouth), Sirius broke the silence.

“That was so bloody cool!” He gasped.

“Mr Potter, Mr Black, sit down before your detention goes from one evening to a whole week.”

Sirius walked in a trace back to his seat, but not without notice Remus’ smile. He hadn’t seen Remus smile since he had met him. Sirius liked it, the smile suited him. Sirius knew at that moment, that one day he would want to be able to turn into an animal at any moment it suited him, and added it to his list of aspirations, right after 'get Mystery boy to talk', and 'find out Mystery boy's secret'.

The transfiguration even, however, had nothing on what had gone on in potions. No one yet (apart from James) had brought up the sorting or his family, which he was very grateful for. That was until his first potions lesson with the head of Slytherin: Professor Slughorn.

“Black, Sirius,” He had said, “Aha there you are. Quite surprised at the sorting my boy, quite surprised!

Sirius had zoned out after that but from the look James had thrown him, he assumed it was something that would have made Sirius either extremely annoyed or extremely upset.

Later on in that lesson, they all had to pair up. Instantly Sirius and James ran for the back of classroom followed closely behind by Peter and a Slytherin named Nathaniel Quince. Sirius felt his stomach drop as he saw Remus standing alone at the front. He was about to go and get him when Lilly pulled him away.  
Sirius and James of course didn’t really fancy doing the work and spent the lesson seeing who could make the best explosion. They soon realised, however, that Slughorn had given them ingredients particularly in explosive, seemingly to stop people like them messing around. the best they managed to get was a spark that went out after three seconds.

“This is utter rubbish!” Sirius exclaimed, “What is potions even for if we can’t blow stuff up?”

“Godrick knows mate,” Was the reply from the just as miffed James.

Sirius pretended not to notice Peter roll his eyes at them and opened his book, telling James if he couldn’t explode stuff he may as well try and make the actual potion.

Much to Sirius’ amusement, before he had even read the first line, there was a shout from the front of the classroom. Remus was on top of a Slytherin that Sirius recognised as Severus Snape, fist in the air. Mulciber (Snape’s friend), yanked Remus by the collar and punched him right on his black eye. Sirius felt a surge of anger. In fact, he was so furious he didn’t hear anything Slughorn or James said until they were all out of the classroom- except for Remus of course.

“…… And he was acting as though he couldn’t read, that dim-witted twat. Of course, this tickled Snape and so Snape said, ‘surely even at muggles school they teach you to read?’ And then, because he’s from a dodgy muggle care home, he flung himself and Severus. I was obviously much stronger than him and so I punched him back. What an utter lunatic!” Mulciber was laughing with his friends as the three boys exited the classroom.

“Oi!” Sirius shouted, suddenly very protective of his friend, “Leave off Remus before I do something I regret!”

“I’m not scared of you, Blood-traitor,” Mulciber snarled.

Sirius’ ears were on fire. He stepped closer to Mulciber and pulled out his wand, raising the tip to meet his neck. He was just about to say something when James pulled him back softly.

“He’s not worth it,” James said under his breath.

Mulciber sniggered as he ran off down the hall with the rest of the Slytherins. At that moment, the classroom door opened, and out walked Remus, his face completely neutral.

“Bloody brilliant, mate,” James said ad he elbowed Remus lightly, “The way you just went for him!”

“Mulciber was out here bragging afterward, told everyone what Snape said,” Sirius interjected, “You were right to do it- what a prat”

Remus groaned, “Told…. everyone?”

“Don’t worry, they’re all on your side. Well except the Slytherins,” James said.

Seeing Remus gulp, Sirius was eager to change the subject and said, “Yeah, and who gives a toss about the Slytherins? C’mon, it’s dinner soon- hungry?”

Remus grinned and Sirius, “Starving.”

Sirius winked at him and they all walked together to the hall. _Step one complete,_ he said to himself as they went, _Get Mystery boy to talk to me._


	6. First year- Plotting

12th September 1971

_I know a man, he’s a powerful man_

_He’s got the people in his power_

_In the palm of his hands_

_He started at the bottom and he worked his way up_

_Now he’s never going to stop_

_Until he reaches the top_

_It’s the same old story, it’s the same old dream_

_It’s power mean, power men, and all that it can bring_

On Sunday morning as soon as Sirius woke up, he grabbed his quill and some parchment and ran all the way up to the owlery. He hadn’t been there before but as soon as he got there, he nearly there up from the awful smell. Holding his nose, he walked over to one of the ledges and stared out at the landscape. It was beautiful. Even the forbidden forest looked harmless from all the way up there. He had tried many, many times to write to Reggie but he never seemed to have time with all the homework and dun he was having with James. He felt hugely guilty for having fun knowing (or even more worrying- not knowing) what was happening to his brother. Once he got to there, he went to find his owl, but he was nowhere to be found. However, Sirius did find his mother’s owl sitting on the ledge on the opposite side of the owlery; still as a statue. As soon as Sirius had taken the letter of his leg, the owl flew away.

‘Sirius,  
Due to the horrifying results of the sorting, you are no longer entitled to the use of your owl. Your owl hereby answers only to me or your Father.  
Mother’

Sirius sank to the floor, back against the stone-cold wall. He dropped the letter and covered his face with his hands. His mother had taken away everything. He had no means of contacting his brother. Not only did that mean that he couldn’t take to Regulus about how he would love it there next year, but it also meant that Sirius had no way of knowing if Reggie was okay, and that made Sirius sick.

Once he had sat there for a while, Sirius tried to clear his mind in the only way he knew how- writing. He picked up the parchment which was meant for Regulus and started to write. He had spent hours on end writing as a little boy. He wrote anything and everything: stories, diaries, and even poems.

The boys made fun of him for his fancy writing but maybe if they knew how it had helped him escape his mother’s legilimancy. Sirius would write out his thoughts, this way his mind was clear for when she tried to read it and wouldn’t be able to get as much information out of him. Sirius would then write down the lies that he wanted her to see, which had them easier for Sirius to imagine so they looked real to her. James had stopped asking Sirius to expand on his home experiences a few days before, with the promise that Sirius would tell him when he felt he could without breaking down into tears. But he wasn’t even close to that yet. As he thought about his and Reggie running down the hallway chased by their mother, his eyes stung.

On the parchment, he wrote-

‘Write to Reggie,

Ask James for his owl,

Look in books for the tree.’

With his hand trembling and the uneven shore, his handwriting was shabby and untidy. Sirius cringed as he held it up before writing again in the bottom-  
‘Rewrite this note, neater than before.’

……….

In the common room on that night, all four boys were sitting in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room. Lucky for them, it was completely empty and so Sirius was playing his records all the way up their room on full volume so they could hear the songs downstairs. Sirius had opted to read Hogwarts a history. He assumed James thought it was for their history homework because he didn’t ask any questions. But it wouldn’t have mattered if he did because Sirius would just tell James that night anyway. He was on the last chapter and still hadn’t found one thing about any enormous anywhere in Hogwarts. He slammed the book shut in frustration, ignoring when all James and Remus looked up at him.

“I’ve lost my parchment!” Peter moaned from the table.

Within a moment, Sirius was under the table looking for a bit of parchment that Pete had dropped for his transfiguration homework. Sirius had done his the night before just before he went to sleep. It was simple stuff; he didn’t need a table or much concentration to do it.

“So how are we going to get them back?” Sirius heard James ask as he spotted the parchment under the table.

“Get who back?” Pete asked searching just as thoroughly on top of the table.  
Sirius thought it was highly amusing seeing Pete stress over something as stupid as parchment, and so sat back leaning on the table get. Let him worry a bit more, Sirius chuckled to himself.

James was still trying to explain to Pete why then needed revenge on all of the Slytherins not just Snape when Sirius decided to give Pete what he was looking for (mind you, only because his neck was hurting from having to bow it so it didn’t hit the table). Pete grabbed the parchment and thanked Sirius as he went over to sit next to James on the sofa. Remus was sat opposite them on an armchair. He hadn’t so much as touched his homework all week.

“Have you done it?” Sirius asked slowly. Remus’ answered with a flash of panic in his eyes, but in an instant, it was gone.

“Nah, can’t be bothered.”

Sirius fought the urge to say something sarcastic. This was obviously a subject that Remus was very sensitive about.

“Let us know if you need any help,” Sirius said.

“You can copy mine if you want,” James said helpfully as he pushed his essay towards Remus.

Remus gritted his teeth and said, “I’m fine. I’m not stupid.”

Sirius kept staring at him as James replied, “No one said you were.”

Sirius glared at James before turning his gaze back to Sirius. Remus’ stare was piercing. Those deep brown eyes looked as if they were searching their soul, yet portrayed no emotion.

Very suddenly, Remus dropped his gaze and said, “We could put itching powder in their bed,” Very casually as though he had done this sort of thing many times before, “Or on their clothes….. if we could figure out who does the laundry anyway.”

Sirius frowned, had Remus not read Hogwarts a history for his homework. It said very clearly in there who did the laundry, the cooking, and the cleaning.

“I like it,” James said, “Anyone got any itching powder?”

Sirius shook his head along with Peter and Remus.

Sirius went on to say that they could just order some from Zonko’s but in the end, after a lot of discussions, the boys decided they would use rose hips from the greenhouses, assured by Remus they would work just as well.

Once all the boys were in bed, Sirius got up and tiptoed over to James’ bed. Once he was within the curtains, he cast a spell over them so that no one could hear them.

“James, I need a favour”

“Yeah, mate? What's up?”

“Um.. I got a letter from my mother today and….” Sirius paused waiting to see if James would say anything but he didn’t do so much as raise an eyebrow. Clearing his throat, he continued, “And she’s confiscated my owl and I need to write to my brother and please can I use your?”

He spoke so quickly that Sirius wasn’t sure that James had heard him, but the smile on James' face told him otherwise.

“Mate, you don’t need to ask me that,” He said with a laugh, “You can use anything of mine you want.”

“Oi, you soppy git stop smiling,” Sirius looked down embarrassed.

He hadn’t grown up around any children except for his brother and wasn’t sure how to act in situations like these. Part of him was so grateful for James and everything he did for him, but part of him felt constantly uncomfortable because he was so used to being alone. Of course, he hid his emotions so well that he just came off as cocky most of the time, but Sirius thought it was probably better that way after all.

James jumped on top of him wresting him off the bed and onto the floor.

“At least I’m not the one who’s such a dolt I have to ask to borrow a bloody owl. Like, seriously, come on rich boy!”

“Hey! I’m just as much pureblood as you are! At least my family aren't blood traitors!”

By this point both boys were howling with laughter, hoping that the spell was still working, as they pulled themselves back onto the bed.

“So, what are you going to write to Regulus about?” James asked, suddenly serious again.

“Oh, you know, just stuff,” Sirius replied with a shrug.

“Oh right,” James replied, frowning.

Sirius knew he was upsetting James by not telling him exactly what had happened with his mother all those years ago but Sirius didn’t care. He couldn’t make himself vulnerable like that, not yet.

“I’m sorry!” Sirius burst out, surprising himself just as much as James, “I want to tell you I do, but I can’t. Not yet.”

“Hey, it’s alright, I get it,” James hugged him and patted his back.

Sirius nodded, “I will tell you though, eventually, I swear.”

James only smiled.

“I know mate,” He said, “I know.”

Sirius lifted the silencing spell and crept back to his bed. He glanced over at Remus as he got into the covers. Secretly, Sirius wished Remus has asked him about his family. He would have told Remus. He felt as though Remus could relate to him more, maybe even understand him, growing up without parents and parents that hated you couldn’t be that different. But unfortunately, Remus wasn’t that kind of person. Sirius saw how red he went whenever the boys spoke about their families or anything to do with feelings for that matter. Sirius also didn’t speak about his feelings, but that was because he had lost the ability to over the years rather than not wanting to. He loved talking about everyone else’s though, it made him feel for real, more human. His mother had always told him that feelings were what made you weak and humane. At first, Sirius hadn’t understood what she meant, but the more she stared invading his mind and thought, the more he realised that she would exploit any feeling of happiness and turn them against him. So that’s when he stopped feeling, and he wasn’t sure how to start again. All he knew is that he had to try.

He picked up the piece of parchment and his quill from beside his bed and said “Lumos” under his breath.

He wrote-  
‘Tell James’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter is 'Powerman' by the Kinks.


	7. First year- The first mission

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sirius mentions Ch!ld @buse and bad home life.

13th September 1971

Sirius hardly slept that night and as a result (much to his disappointment) was up at the crack of dawn. He hadn’t expected anyone else to be awake at that time, but Remus was sitting up in bed looking out of the window next to his bed. He wasn’t moving a muscle. Sirius thought he looked as perfectly still as a statue, no flaws at all. It was as if he had been calved from the most expensive marble. Sirius watched him thoughtfully: not staring, just observing. A moment later Remus moved his eyes away from the window and turned to face Sirius. In return, Sirius raised an eyebrow a tug playing on his lips. To this, Remus did not react. He held Sirius’ gaze a moment longer, his expression unchanged. Then, all of a sudden, Remus looked away, but not before Sirius caught the corner of his lip turned up slightly.

“How come you're up so early?” Sirius questioned.

“I could ask you the same thing?” Remus replied coolly.

“Well yes...but you didn’t, did you?”

To this, Remus stuck his tongue out him as he replied, “If you must know, I always wake up this early.”

Sirius let out a sarcastic, exasperated gasp as he raised the back of his hand o his forehead and fell back onto the bed as if he fainted. Remus burst out laughing. Sirius felt his cheeks flush; he couldn’t remember ever hearing Remus laugh before.

“How could anyone want to be up so early?!” Sirius said as he sat back up again, smirking.

Remus shrugged, “Never said I enjoyed it.”

Sirius’ brows creased. _This boy is never straightforward, is he? It's always riddles with him,_ he thought to himself.

“Why do you do it then?”

“Hm?”

Sirius was embarrassed, he hadn’t realised how much time had passed before he had spoken again. He hadn’t been staring had he?!

“Um I mean if you don’t want to be up so early, then why do you get up so early?” He said this swiftly to hide his awkwardness.

“I can’t exactly help when I wake up Sirius,” Remus said smoothly

“No, I guess not,” Sirius’ pride and confidence returning to him as if it had never left at all, “Maybe you should go to sleep later.”

“For someone who gets such good grades, you’re a right dolt.”

“Oh yeah, Lupin? And how’d you come to that conclusion?”

“Because if I go to bed later, and wake up later, I’m still getting the exact same amount of sleep as I am if I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier.”

“Yes, I know that! But we can have more fun at night than we can early in the morning.”

There was a moment pause and Remus’ looked as though he was contemplating how to reply.

“I’ve always been a morning person,” Remus said finally, “much prefer the sun to the moon.”

“I’ve always preferred the stars,” Sirius grinned.

“Of course, you have, you conceited git,” Remus said with an eye roll.

“Black being a conceited git? Never!” James said sleepily as he sat up in bed; his dark hair messed in every single direction possible.

Remus snorted as Sirius threw his middle finger up at James, “Up yours Potter! I’d rather worship myself than have some other pathetic guy follow me around kissing my feet.”

Sirius nodded towards Peter who was still asleep. Remus’ nostrils flared.

“Leave him alone Sirius,” Remus snarled.

“Yeah Black, lay off him. He means well,” James said much more kindly than Remus had.

Sirius was no longer looking at Remus but was looking at the corner of his sheet. He was fiddling with it so no one would see how red his cheeks were. He wasn’t bothered that James had a go at him, but Remus?

James evidently recognised the tension in the room and broke the awkward silence by saying, “Why don’t you put on one of your records? Bavid Dowie or the kicks, or even the bugs maybe?”

Sirius and Remus locked eyes before they both were doubled over with laughter. After five minutes, they finally pulled themselves together and looked over at James who was staring at them confused. This only caused the two boys to laugh even harder.

“What?” James persisted, “What did I say?!”

“It’s David Bowie, The Kinks, and The Beatles!” Sirius managed to get out through the laughter.

“Oh well, I do apologise that I don’t remember the name of a band that I’ve only heard once!”

“We’ve been talking about them constantly for two weeks!” Remus exclaimed.

By this point, Peter had woken up and was looking at all the boys with anger in his eyes for waking him up.

“Wotcher Pete,” James smiled at him.

All James got in return was a groan and Peter laid back down and put a pillow over his ears. Sirius took this as an opportunity to annoy Pete a bit more. He walked over to his record player and chose Peter’s least favourite record and put it on.

_Sailors fighting in the dance hall_

_Oh man, look at those cavemen go_

_It’s the freakiest show_

……….

That night, after all the boys were in bed and the lights were out, Sirius sat wide awake staring at the note in his hand.

‘Tell James’

He had tried going through in his head what he was going to say but each time he hit a blind spot right before he got to _that_ part. He sighed; he couldn’t put it off forever. And besides, he couldn’t think of a reason as to why now was a worse time than any other night.

Slowly but surely, Sirius got out of bed and tiptoed over to where James was sleep.

“Psst, James?”

“Come in, mate,” James said, clearly not asleep and most definitely waiting for him.

With an eye roll, Sirius climbed in and said, “Sonoro quiesces” as to not disturb Remus and Peter.

“Alright?” James asked.

“Yeah mate, I was just….well, I was thinking maybe…..I wanted to tell you,” Sirius put his head in his hands in frustration

“You wanted to talk about your Mother?” James offered helpfully.

 _Bloody potter, always knowing what to say,_ Sirius smiled to himself.

“Yeah, if that’s okay?”

“Course, mate, take your time.”

Sirius went on to tell James about the night he and Regulus were caught out of bed past curfew, as they were coming out of the library.

“… and then she found our hiding place. Reggie and I were hiding in a wardrobe in one of the spare rooms. I swear I thought it was safe. I’d never seen anyone go in there the whole time I’d been alive, I thought she wouldn’t find us. I thought I could protect him. I didn’t mean for him to get hurt I swear.”

By this point, Sirius had tears rolling down his cheeks and his hands were trembling. He looked to James for reassurance that it was okay to go on but his face had so much anger on it that it didn’t seem possible for him to smile. Sirius gulped and carried on.

“She grabbed Reggie’s hair and yanked him out whilst she shot her wand at me. I don’t know the spell, it was wordless, but it was some invisible force dragging me out. She dropped us to the floor and some sort of magic kept us from looking away from her or blinking. I told her it was my fault I said it had nothing to do with Regulus but it was no use. I don’t remember much of what happened next. One moment I saw her the next moment I was in agony and looking at memories from when I was a baby, then I saw things from when I was a kid, then things that had happened only a year ago. Then I saw me and Reggie in the Library. She was reading my mind. I can’t really describe what it was like. It was excruciating physically but it also shattered your heart. It felt like someone had taken part of my soul away from me like I wasn’t who I remembered myself as. I don’t know what she did to Regulus, I was in too much pain for my eyes to work, I just heard him scream. It was horrifying. Painful actually. I tried to yell at her to stop I tried to reach her but I couldn’t something was stopping me, I……”

Sirius trailed off, sobbing now.

“It’s not your fault. If she was using magic then you couldn’t have-“

“She wasn’t,” Sirius voice a whisper now, “It wasn’t that I couldn’t yell because of magic, I was just scared. I was a coward and Regulus paid for it.”

“Sirius I-“

“Don’t try and make me feel better that’s not what I came here for. I don’t want your sympathy,” Sirius growled fiercely.

“No, maybe you don’t. But you really goddam need it.”

……….

14th September 1971

On Tuesday evening, the four boys were ready to go. They all stood in the middle of the dorm room, smiled plastered on every single one of their faces. They ate dinner as quickly before hurrying off to the girl’s toilets on the second floor. Remus had assured them that it was a direct entrance to the dungeons. At first, Sirius was inclined to think Remus was joking but he had a look of such seriousness on his face that Sirius’ suspicion turned to curiosity. How on earth had Remus known that? Sirius, James, and Peter had thrown away their maps they had been given after the first week so he couldn’t be sure, but he couldn’t remember seeing it on there.

“Lead the way then Lupin,” James said opening the door with one hand and ushering the boys inside with the other.

James had been telling them all week that he had a brilliant plan for getting them inside the Slytherin common room, but whenever one of the other boys bought it up, he would just shrug, laugh, and tell them they would just have to wait and see.

“Wait, show us what you’re planning first,” Sirius said, fed up with all the mystery now.

James grinned as he handed over the jar of rosehip seeds to Sirius. He took them, excited now to see what James had been hiding from. The seeds had been easy enough to get. Peter (who was the only one who hadn’t got himself the title of ‘troublemaker’ yet), sneaked into the greenhouse one break and filled a jar full.

James grasped the side of his robe and pulled it back, revealing a glistening piece of silver fabric. _No bloody way,_ was Sirius’ first thought.

“No! You haven’t Potter. You bloody haven’t,” Sirius trailed off, partly in awe but partly because he saw Remus’ frowning; clearly confused.

By now James’ cheeks were hurting from smiling so much, still, his grin only broadened. With a wink, he swept the cloak over his shoulders and vanished. Well, his body vanished at least. His head was still bobbing in mid-air.

“You jammy bastard!” Sirius yelled, “How come you never told me?”

Sirius wanted to feel annoyed that James hadn’t even told him something like this when he had practically spilled his biggest secret the night before, but he decided he had plenty of time to be moody about it later once all the fun was over.

Once they were all underneath the clock, they were quite squished. It wasn’t uncomfortable but Sirius could clearly see Remus’ look of embarrassment every time his leg touched someone else’s.

James said what was also on Sirius’ mind as he asked, “How’d you find this Remus? It’s genius?”

“You come out behind one of them rugs they hang on the walls in the dungeons...”

Sirius tried not to correct him as he thought, _They not them._

“I just looked behind it,” Remus said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Do you mean a tapestry?” Peter asked frowning.

“Um…s’pose so?” Remus said.

Sirius looked up at Remus, but it was dark, and he couldn’t see his face. Despite this, Sirius knew from the heat coming off Remus’ body, that his face was red as a tomato.

“Shut up Pettigrew,” Sirius snapped as he kicked him.

“Oi!” Remus barked and kicked him back, “Bugger off.”

“Sorry,” Sirius winced, “Meant to kick Pete not you.”

After that, James told them all to shut it and they all stood in silence, ears pressed against the tapestry listening.

“Okay,” James said signaling with two fingers that it was safe to move now.

As soon as they stepped out from behind the tapestry, Sirius felt a shiver go up his spine. He didn’t know if it was from the abnormally cold air or just the fact that the place was very ‘Slytherin’. They all looked around for an entrance until Remus pointed towards a brick wall, telling them it was behind there. Once again, Sirius’ eyes widened in surprise. _What is mystery boy up to,_ Sirius pondered, _How does he know so much about the castle if he hasn’t so much picked up a book since he’s gotten here?_ Remus claimed he had seen people go in and out before, but Sirius wasn’t buying it for a second.

None of the boys knew the password so they decided they would just have to wait for a Slytherin to come by and it was just Sirius’ luck when the first two that came, were his cousins. After the sorting, Sirius has made it his mission to avoid them at all costs. He didn’t want to risk infuriating them any more than he needed to. Sirius shuddered at the sight of them, and James gripped his shoulder firmly as if to reassure himself more than Sirius that they would be fine. Sirius went rigid and backed up against the wall.

“Let’s see the ring again, Bella!” Narcissa begged.

As soon as the word ‘ring’ left her mouth, Sirius zoned out. He’s trained his ears to do this at any mention of anything remotely related to marriage or weddings.

Bella was to marry Rodolphus Lestrange as soon as her exams were over and she talking constantly for over a year now. Sirius, of course, had to attend the said wedding- though he wasn’t so sure after more recent events at the sorting.

Sirius instead focused more on the reactions of the other boys. As with everyone related to the Blacks, Bella and Narcissa looked as though they had been carved from a template. Both girls had a small waist, with stick-like arms and legs which somehow they managed to hold with honourable grace. Their eyes were crystal blue (like Sirius’) and were shaded with the fullest darkest lashes you would ever see. They had hair black as night which curved round their faces, hiding the cheekbones that were so sharp they could cut paper with one slice. There was no other way to say it: the girls were exquisite. And Sirius could see that the other boys knew it as well. They all had the same longing look in their eyes, mouths slightly open but not enough that anyone who wasn’t standing right next to them would notice. All of them except for Remus. Remus looked at them, not with longing or awe, but with jealousy almost.

Before Sirius had more time to contemplate Remus’ bizarre look, he was being dragged through the hole in the wall after his cousins.

Once he was inside, Sirius felt sick. It was too familiar; too much like home. If it wasn’t for James prodding him, Sirius thought he probably would have stayed frozen there forever.

Once they were upstairs and had established which bed was Snape's (“This one might be, sheets look greasy enough,” Sirius had decided), the boys put on their gloves and scooped handfuls of the rosehip seeds onto the beds. The problem came when they stood back to look at their handiwork and say bright red spots all over the white sheets. James was the first to point out that the Slytherins would be able to see them. Sirius tried to counter that even if they tried to brush them off, the Slytherins would still get it on their hands, though secretly he was completely miffed. He had been looking forward to getting the Slytherins back since the day in potions when Snape went at Remus (or rather Remus went at Snape, but he deserved it).

“Hang on…” Remus said out of the blue, “Obfuscate”

He was holding his wand over the bed, and in an instant, the red dots vanished.

Sirius was absolutely dumbfounded. This boy had rocked up to Hogwarts not even knowing what the houses were, let alone any magic, hadn’t so much as touched a book, got at least 10 detentions in two weeks, and was now pulling of advanced magic. Sirius found it hard not to gape at him in wonder as he explained he had simply copied of some sixth years.

Sirius went over to a bed and pulled out his wand, “Obfuscate.”

Nothing happened.

“Obfuscate,” Said James.

Nothing happened.

After three more tries most of James had vanished, but still five tries later, Sirius gave up. He wasn’t sure whether he was jealous of the fact that Remus could do a spell that he could, or more just in shock that he could. That was the moment that Sirius learned never to underestimate his Mystery boy. With the secret corridor, the positioning of the Slytherin common room, and now spells from the sixth year, Sirius felt as though there was nothing Remus couldn’t do. Strangely, Sirius felt a rush of pride for his friend. _I’m going to be just like him one day,_ Sirius dreamed to himself as he watched Remus finish vanishing all of the rosehip seeds.

After putting the seeds of every single one of the boy’s dormitories (in spite of Peter's protests), they made their way back to their common room underneath James’ cloak.

“That’ll teach them to mess with you Remus Lupin,” Sirius said triumphantly as they made their way slowly along the corridor.

“But they’re not going to know it was us, right?” Peter whimpered.

“No, of course not mate,” Remus glared at Sirius.

Sirius stuck his tongue out at him and Remus rolled his eyes, muttering, “Pathetic prat,” under his breath.

“Up yours Lupin, we were trying to get back at Snape for you! Wouldn’t hurt to be grateful!” Sirius countered.

“Don’t you dare pretend you did this for me! You only do it because of your stupid-“ Remus stopped abruptly, realising his mistake.

“My stupid what?!” Sirius snarled, daring him to say it.

Remus’ eyes fell to the ground, “I’m sorry I-“

“Right!” James interjected extremely loudly, “I think it’s safe now to get out from under here, I think we are all getting a bit snappy. Wouldn’t want to ruin such a great night, would we?”

James eyed Remus and Sirius almost squinting. Both boys were just as terrified as each other of James Potters squint and immediately smiled at each other, forgetting their argument in an instant.

Once they were in the common room, they were greeted by Frank Longbottom who asked them where they had been.

“Library obviously,” James said with a flick of his hand.

Frank laughed, “Well, I’m sure I’ll hear about it soon enough.”

After a lot of talk, fantasizing about how funny it would be to watch the Slytherin boys first get the rosehips on them (“Snape might actually slide out of his bed because of all of the grease” Remus had joked, though Sirius could tell he wished that would actually happen), Sirius said, “I wish even more we could have got my Cousins.”

“It’s just the beginning Sirius mate,” James assured him, “Between the four of us, I reckon we could go even bigger next time. Excellent first mission men!”

Sirius grinned. Hogwarts just went from being ten times better than home to being ten thousand times better than home. Sirius stole a glance in Remus’ direction. Remus had his hand around something in his pocket, it looked like parchment but Sirius couldn’t tell. He didn’t dwell long on this though because he was too busy staring at the Smile on Remus' face, and how it lit up the room. It wasn’t a sly grin like Sirius, it wasn’t a sarcastic smirk like James, it was a smile, filled only with pure joy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Life on mars' by David Bowie.


	8. First year- The marauders beginning

15th September 1971

The next morning, Sirius jumped out of bed hurriedly. He had expected to be the first out of bed, but when he looked around the other three boys were all sitting up in bed watching him expectedly.

“What are you all doing up so early then?” Sirius frowned, slightly confused.

“Early?!” James snorted, “It's 6 o’clock.”

“And your point is?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“His point is Sirius, 6 o’clock is not early,” Remus interjected, “You’re just too lazy to get out of bed any earlier than midday.”

“Hey! That’s not fair!” Sirius smirked, “On weekdays I get up at eight.”

“Yes, and today is a weekday which means everyone else gets up at half six, which means if we want to see the Slytherins, we need to get down to breakfast as soon as possible.”

“Sorry guys but I’m with Sirius on this one,” Peter yawned, struggling to keep his eyes open, “It’s much too early.”

“Nah Pete, it’s not too early today,” Sirius replied, “Any other day and I probably would have cursed you all for being up at this hour, but today we need to be at breakfast before everyone else.”

Sirius flashed a smile at Peter then resumed to scowl at James and Remus (still annoyed at being insulted about sleeping in all the time), as he got up and started to get dressed. Peter and James looked at him, pleading with their eyes for him to hurry up, but Remus looked away suddenly, red-faced. Sirius pulled on his shirt and trousers and flung his tie around his neck, not bothering to tie it. He had much more important things to do than fiddle with a tie.

All four boys marched their way down the hallways and moving staircases until they got to the main hall as if they owned the place, smirking the whole way. They got some funny looks from a few of the older boys but not many people were up yet.

They sat down and started to eat. Peter poured himself some coffee, eager to get some caffeine in him, but was stopped by James.

“You’ll get jittery,” he warned, “just eat lots of food and you’ll have more energy in no time.”

Peter didn’t look happy, but there was no way he was going to disobey the boy he worshiped, so he reached for the tea instead. James eyed him but seemed to think tea was a safe substitute. Peter slurped his tea, making the most horrific gurgling noise Sirius had ever heard. That was one thing Sirius had decided was different about the feasts at Hogwarts to the feasts back home. Hardly anyone had table manners here. James was polite enough, but it was nothing like how he had been disciplined as a child. He had flashbacks to how he was taught how to attend a meal in his household. He shuddered thinking about it and could have sworn he felt the scars on the back of his legs sting with pain, just for a brief moment. He could see Remus rolling his eyes at the way Sirius was glaring at peter, still gurgling his tea. Peter was still wining about the time of day, so Sirius pushed a plate of toast towards him and ordered him to eat it. He wanted to say something witty back to Remus’ eye roll but stopped when he saw Remus also reach for the toast. Remus cut the toast into four slices and put a different topping on each of the corners. Sirius was watching him, eyes wide, lip trembling as he tried to stop himself laughing. Remus looked up at him and did not break his gaze as he bit into the first slice. Sirius dropped the eye contact as he heard a noise coming from the doors to the great hall: the Slytherins had started to arrive.

The boys, all watched the first group closely, waiting for a sign their prank had worked. The Slytherins, however, was quite oblivious to the four pairs of eyes on them and sat down at their table as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Sirius’ heart sank. After all that trouble and nothing to show for it. He racked his brain for answers as to why it had no effect. Maybe Remus’ spell had done something to the seeds? Sirius looked at him, he was just as disheartened as Sirius, so if it was his spell, at least it hadn’t been meant as sabotage. He was about to ask Peter (Because he was the best at herbology) when one of the boys started wriggling in his seat. Sirius’ ginned. It had worked.

The boys watched in excitement as more Slytherin boys came in, each boy was twitchier than the one before. Sirius nearly fell off the bench in fits of laughter when Severus entered the room. He hung his head low so that his hair fell over his mistakenly red face.

“Oh, Merlin!” Sirius laughed, unable to control his laughter at this point, “Tell me we got his face!”

“Oi Snivellous!” James called out across the hall, wanted to get a proper look at Snape’s face.

This only caused Sirius to laugh harder. Snape's face what bright red all the way from his left temple down to who knew where (the rash disappeared under his robes).

“Looking good!” Sirius wheezed, sending even Peter now into hysteria.

Sirius didn’t eat any breakfast that morning because he was too busy enjoying all the comments he could hear, trying to figure out what had come over the Slytherin boys. Sirius didn’t think he had ever felt so elated in his entire life.

“James, Remus, young sirs,” Sirius started, smirking at peter as he did so, “We did good.”

Peter scoffed, “Up yours Black, I got the bloody seeds in the first place, didn’t I? Not to mention that I kept watch the whole time. You couldn’t have done it without me!”

Sirius chose to ignore the- in his opinion- unnecessarily harsh look he was getting from Remus and said, “It was all lupins idea though! What shall we do to celebrate, eh? Exploding snap? Raid the kitchen?”

He patted Remus on the back in congratulation. Remus shrugged his off quickly but flashed him a smile which Sirius returned without hesitation.

“Well, whatever you do, you’re doing it without me. I’ve got double detention.”

Sirius was concerned about Remus. Not just about the fact that he had detention every single night, but the fact that it didn’t seem to bother him in the slightest. Sirius had had plenty of detentions since he had been here, but all of them had been for what the professors liked to call ‘disruptive behavior’. None of them had been for not doing homework, which was all Remus’ ever seemed to be for. Remus was completely silent in class and made a few notes if he thought the professor had mentioned something of high Importance, but he never ever ever did any of the homework. At first, Sirius tried to let Remus get on with it, but he didn’t like that Remus was missing out on all the fun whilst he was in detention. James, Sirius, and peter copied all of their homework off of each other and continuously asked Remus if wanted to copy as well, but each time he just scowled and told them he was fine. Sirius understood pride, but this wasn’t that. if it was, he would have just done the homework himself in the first place. No; this was something else entirely.

……….

_Take a bright star and place it on your forehead_

_Say a few spells and baby there you go_

_Take a black cat and sit it on your shoulder_

_And in the morning you’ll know all you know_

It suddenly hit Sirius that night in the common room, why Remus had not been doing his homework, and why he wouldn’t just copy off one of the others.

Peter and James were facing off in a game of chess and so Sirius had resulted to listening to one of his records.

“For Merlin's sake Black! Will you turn off that rubbish?!” James said exasperated.

“Yeah,” Peter added, “We’re trying to ply here mate.”

“Rubbish?! I’m sorry I'm not sure I heard you right. Did you just call T-Rex Rubbish?! Sorry boys but you are no longer my friends.”

“No offence, but you only have us as your friends,” James smirked.

“Oi you tosser, just 'cause you are privileged to have my time, doesn’t mean I couldn’t quite easily give it to someone else. Remus and I will be quite fine on our own thank you very much. At least he appreciates the music”

“Ahh yes,” Peter said, also grinning now, “The one who copies their homework of James, and the one who doesn’t even do his in the first place.”

“Yes, what a great team,” James said with a wink.

“I could beat both of you in any subject without doing any of the work and you know it,” Sirius stuck his tongue out at them.

“Hmm, that’s naïve Black.”

“Oh bugger off Potter, like I said Remus as I will be fine without you,” Sirius countered, “So don’t push it.”

James grinned, “You and I both know if Remus had a say whether to go with the sarcastic guy who keeps trying to get him to do his homework and the other two who stay out of his business or ask him politely, he would choose the latter option.”

That hit a nerve.

“What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“I mean that if you did decide to break away from our little group, then you would be on your own, Remus wouldn’t go with you.”

“And how’d you figure that out,” Sirius growled.

“All you two do is snap at each other. In fact, come to think of it, I don’t think you two have had a conversation the didn’t end in one of you getting annoyed with the other.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. Surely that couldn’t be true. He and Remus spoke all the time tight? Sirius didn’t want to think about it. He went back upstairs to fetch his headphone and some parchment so that James and Peter wouldn’t annoy him. He still hadn’t had time to write to Regulus and was starting to worry now.

When he was in the dorm, something interesting caught Sirius’ eye on Remus’ bed. His potions book, sitting next to a scroll of parchment. It looked as though it was the start of an essay but there was only a couple of lines on it, and Sirius couldn’t read Remus’ handwriting. He did make out the title, ‘Charms’. They didn’t have charms of potions homework. Sirius shook his head and remembered it was none of his business what Remus did, and persuaded himself it was probably nothing. He grabbed his headphones and walked back to the common room.

No more than a minute after he put his headphones on and started his letter to his brother, Remus came in and sat right down next to Sirius.

Sirius grinned as he saw the look on James' face. _See,_ Sirius wanted to say, _I am his favorite._ Sirius pulled off his headphones in one swift movement, eager to prove to James that he and Remus could have a conversation perfectly fine.

“That was quick!” Sirius said, surprised to see him back do early.

Remus told the boys the story of how he only ended up doing one of his detention because Slughorn had let him off as a result of Snape being in the hospital wing. Sirius burst into fits of laughter at this and was met with a look from Remus. Sirius pretended he couldn’t see, and Remus looked at him all the time until he stopped laughing. Sirius couldn’t tell what the look was for but, as per usual with Mystery boy’s soul gazing stare, he gave nothing away.

When Remus mentioned a Ginger girl in his story, James’ head snapped up suddenly. Sirius nearly choked on his own breath when he saw the look on James’ face when Remus called her annoying. Sirius was only slightly annoyed that somehow the conversations about girls had already started only a couple of weeks into the year. He was more concerned with trying not o laugh at the fact that James quite utterly head over heels for a girl he hadn’t even spoken to yet.

“Let’s not talk about girls,” Sirius said before James had the chance to make a fool of himself, “This might be the most important day of our lives! This is the day we became legends; the day our friendship was forged in the fire of itching powder!”

Remus looked at him as if he was a lunatic.

“They don’t know it was us, do they?” Peter asked, looking nervous.

“Slughorn reckons it was a Slytherin girl. Or a gang of marauders.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. That was it: that was perfect.

“Marauders! That’s it! Raise your glasses, boys!”

“We don’t have any glasses,” James countered, eyes sparkling too.

“Well then just pretend. From this day forward, we are the Marauders.”

There was a moment of silence in which James just sat grinning, Pete looked concerned, and Remus looked like Sirius had just been released from a mental hospital. Then he burst out laughing; that Mystery boy laugh that always got everyone going.

“What sort of poncey gang name is that?!”

“Poncey?!” Sirius replied, faking his hurt, “We are the most manly men to ever walk the halls of this school!”

“Well… we might be but you….” Remus said, dark eyes glinting.

“Oh up yours Lupin. Go do play chess or do your homework.”

He had meant it as a joke but as soon as he said it, he had realised his mistake. Sirius could have sworn that Remus’ eyes, which always hid his emotions so well flashed with hurt. But only for a second before he recovered admirably.

“Pfft, me? Do my homework? As if?”

Remus tried to laugh but Sirius heard the tiny quiver in his voice. Luckily the other two burs hadn’t and we laughing along with him.

Sirius sighed as it dawned on him. He remembered the perfectly placed (but completely wrong) book and parchment on Remus’ bed. They had been there to make it look as though he was doing his work. He wanted to apologise but he knew that would only make things worse. He couldn’t bring himself to meet Remus’ eye. Remus wasn’t avoiding the homework because he couldn’t be bothered, or because he didn’t want to do it. Remus had been avoiding his homework because he _couldn’t_ do it. Mystery boy couldn’t read.

Once they were back upstairs, Sirius found his list. He had added to it since the day he was in the Owlery. It now also said-

‘Ask James about the tree’

‘Find out Mystery boy’s secret’

Sirius sat with his hand around his quill. He wanted to cross of the note about Remus’ secret, for he knew that. But something was stopping him- something told him not to. He peered through that gap in his curtains, over to Remus. Remus was staring out of the window, as Sirius saw him do every night. When he finally turned back around, Sirius saw his eyes were not as wide as they had been downstairs. They did not have that inquisitive look they always did. He looked sad. So sad that it took all of Sirius’ will to stop himself from going over and hugging him. For a moment, Sirius thought it was because of the comment he had made downstairs, but he quickly realised this was something else entirely. Sirius put down his list and lay on his side. Mystery boy had another secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Ride a white swan' by T. Rex.


	9. First year- Sirius makes his plan

Sirius awoke the next day with a plan. Remus had been watching him nonstop since he got here, the same empty expression on his face, and now, Sirius would watch Remus. He had decided he would take a slightly different approach to Remus though. Whilst Remus had taken to either looking away as soon as Sirius noticed or holding his gaze so long that it was intimidating, Sirius thought he should take the much more friendly path, for he didn’t want to upset or anger Remus any more than he already had. He started very subtly at first, just stealing glances at him at mealtimes, or across the classroom, but when Remus made a mysterious disappearance again, he decided to up his game.

………

4th October 1971

_Dizzy in the head and I’m feeling blue_

_The things you’ve said well maybe they’re true_

_I’m getting funny dreams again and again_

_I know what it means_

“Black!” James yelled from his bed, “Catch!”

James through his glasses at Sirius. Sirius frowned.

“What in Merlin’s name are these for?” Sirius replied.

“Um, they’re glasses mate. They’re for helping me see.” James replied.

“Well yes I know that but I mean why have you given them to me. Out with it Potter. What’s the funny punch line you would like to bless our ears with today?” Sirius said as he rolled his eyes. James was always coming up with the most pointless jokes which hardly even made sense half of the time. Peter laughed along half-heartedly whilst Sirius took up the role of telling him how crap his jokes are. (“It’s constructive criticism!” he had protested when Remus told him to stop being such a prick).

“Glasses because you obviously can’t see the book that been open on your lap for an hour which you have not looked at once!”

Sirius just stared at him, blinking fast.

“Oh come on! That was a good one!”

“Here have them back. You can use them to see how ridiculous you make yourself look every time you come out with rubbish like that.”

“I bloody hate you Black”

Sirius just winked at him, grinning.

“What are you _reading_ anyway?” James said, making air quotations around ‘reading’.

“Hogwarts a history,” Sirius replied with a dramatic flick of his hair.

James and Peter burst out laughing.

“You read that book twice a week!” Peter breathed.

“You’re such a rich boy Black!” James added, still chuckling.

“It’s alright boys, I’ve come to accept that not all of us have my diligent flare,” Sirius replies with a wink, “Try not to get too disheartened yeah?”

Peter threw a pillow at him which was kindly thrown back at ten times the speed right at Peter's face. And that was the start of the pillow fight that lasted them two hours.

At one point Sirius could have sworn he heard a loud screaming noise coming from down the path in the grounds, but he was so engrossed in the pillow fight, that he could have easily been mistaken, and so did not dwell on it.

Once they had all calmed down and cleaned up the mess, the boys got into bed, looking expectantly at the door to wait for their other friend to return from wherever he had been since dinner. Dinner was served 5-7 and the marauders always made sure they were in the great hall as early as possible, so they could have more time mucking around before bed. It was seven o’clock now; the time that all the boys were always in the dorm room together every night telling stories, jokes, and laughing. When he did not come, Sirius started to panic.

“This is just like last time!” Sirius said as he paced, his heart beating loudly through his chest.

“Yeah exactly, and he came back to use the next morning all in one piece,” James offered, trying to calm him down.

“He might have been in one piece but that didn’t stop his yelling at us and slamming the door in our face.”

“We’re better friends now though, maybe he will tell us this time,” Peter tried.

“Doubt it he keeps way too many secrets that one.”

“What do you mean? Just because he disappeared last month and has done it again this month means absolutely nothing. He could be one of his other friends, maybe he’s in the library and fell asleep, or maybe he’s visiting family? But either way, there isn’t anything we can do for him now mate, we just need to sleep.”

“He hasn’t got any other friends, he wouldn’t be in the library because he doesn’t do any of his work, and he lived in a children’s home; he hasn’t got any family,” Sirius was at the point of yelling now. He hated being powerless, what if Remus was hurt?

“Okay Sirius I hear you I do, but panicking isn’t going to help him is it?” James said getting up and putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder to push him down to the bed. James sat beside him and looked into his eyes, not blinking once.

Sirius stared back, James would not win this one.

“Is it?” James pressed.

Still, Sirius said nothing.

James leaned closer until their faces almost touched.

“Admit it, I’m right.”

Sirius' lip twitched.

James wiggled his eyebrows.

Sirius was defeated.

“I hate you, Potter,” He said as he turned away laughing.

“That’s all part of my master plan,” James said with a wink, “Get the Black heir to hate me, start a war, kill all of the purebloods.”

“Um I think you’re forgetting that you’re a pureblood mate,” Sirius said, raising an eyebrow.

“And me!” Peter interrupted.

“Well I would spare mine and Pete’s family obviously,” James said with an eye roll.

Sirius laughed and lay back in his bed. Trust James to make him smile when his other best friend was missing! After a moment of silence, Sirius began to get worked up again and needed a distraction.

“Wanna play a game?” Sirius blurted, sitting bolt upright.

“Like what?” Peter asked.

“It’s called confessions. We can each ask each other one question and one question only, and we must answer in complete honestly. But what is confessed in this room, stays in this room.”

Peter looked like he might be sick, but James was grinning ear to ear.

“Alright then, Black. Your question from me is, what do you wash your hair with?”

Peter doubled over in laughter. Sirius opened his mouth and gasped sarcastically.

“James Fleamont Potter, how dare you? I took an oath to never share that secret with anyone! I said we must tell the complete truth and nothing but the truth, but alas it cannot be. I am sorry.”

“But Sirius, I just I’m so, so, so jealous of those luscious locks, if my hair was half as pretty as-“

“My hair is not pretty! My hair is devilishly handsome!”

All three boys were heaps on the floor at this point, all shaking with laughter. Once they had finally composed themselves, it was Peter who spoke.

“Why don’t we play this game when Remus is here. It doesn’t feel right that he doesn’t get to know Sirius’ hair care routine and we do.”

James sniggered, but Sirius was no longer laughing. He thought about the look on Remus’ face if he announced they were going to share secrets. He imagined the flash that would run across his eyes for a millisecond before he blinked and recovered. He imagined the fake smile Remus would plaster on his face so that the other boys did not suspect anything. He imagined the guilt he would feel, knowing he was responsible for making his friend feel uncomfortable. He had to fix it.

“Well since you both are not taking this game seriously enough, we should probably just stop playing,” Sirius huffed.

“And why is that? Scared we are going to expose all of your deepest darkest secrets” James smirked.

“Nope, it is a well-known fact that I am an empty book.”

James and Peter looked at each other, both clearly trying not to snigger.

“Do you mean you’re an open book mate?” Peter asked, lip quivering as he tried to keep a straight face.

“No,” Sirius snapped at the thought of them thinking he was being stupid. _Do these people not understand metaphors,_ he thought before he replied, “If you say you are a closed book, it means people will not find out your secrets. If you say you are an open book, it means everyone knows your secrets. But I am an empty book because I have none.”

 _Well, I have just one,_ he nearly said but stopped himself. He ignored the raised eyebrow James was giving him; refusing to give him the satisfaction of him knowing one of Sirius’ secrets.

“Well then, we will have to keep playing until we find can prove you are as you like to say an empty book,” Shrugged Peter.

Sirius scowled. They weren’t going to drop it. He had to play the ‘family business’ card.

Once all the lights were out, Sirius tip-toed over to James’ bed and cast a silencing spell.

“We can’t play that game with Remus, James. Swear to me we won’t play that game with Remus.”

James frowned at the worry in Sirius’ voice, “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, but my biggest secret is about my parents, but Remus hasn’t got his around, and I don’t want him to hear me complain about mine because it will come across as selfish.”

“I don’t think-“

“Can you promise me we won’t play it again or not?” Sirius scowled.

“Yeah, yeah alright mate don’t worry. We won’t play again.”

Sirius nodded curtly and left. He wasn’t in the mood to talk about his old family when a member of his new one was missing. He thought back to Remus as he lay down. He felt extremely guilty for lying to James after everything James had done for him regarding talking about his family, but the feeling was quickly forgotten when he thought about how relieved Remus would be knowing his secret was safe with Sirius. _But he won’t know, I won’t tell him I know, at least not yet,_ he said to himself as he drifted off to sleep, dreaming of the full moon.

……….

The next morning, the three boys rushed down to breakfast at seven o’clock to make sure they were there when Remus arrived. But he never came.

“This is getting Ridiculous! Where the hell is he?!” Sirius hissed as they walked the corridors to transfiguration.

“I wish I knew mate I really do,” James replied, looking almost as anxious as Sirius now.

The three boys sat down together at the back of the classroom watching the door. Five minutes later, Remus entered. Sirius let out a sigh of relief as he saw him, and tried to motion him to sit with them. Remus sat down but looked straight ahead. James looked as though he was about to say something when professor McGonagall entered.

“Settle down class, and silence please,” She said firmly as she walked to the from of the classroom.

Sirius saw her give a quick nod as she walked past him. He looked to Remus but he didn’t seem to notice the look she had given him. Sirius frowned, what did she know?

James, Sirius, and Peter spent the whole lesson trying desperately to get Remus’ attention.

Sirius tried falling off his chair (to a look of great concern rather than annoyance from Professor McGonagall), and when that didn’t work, he resulted to pushing Peter off his chair, which resulted in detention. _Blood Lupin,_ Sirius thought, _If he would just look up from his parchment which he hasn’t even written anything on, I wouldn’t have to throw Pete off his chair and I wouldn’t have detention._

James, who was sitting right next to Remus, snatched away his Parchment hand his book, but Remus only raised his gaze to look at the front rather than down. James rolled his eyes and Returned his things, but Remus kept his eyes fixed on McGonagall.

Peter made paper aeroplanes and threw them at Remus, but he just caught them, scrunched them up, and threw them back straight at Peter's face, without so much as raising an eyebrow.

Just as Sirius was about to give up and yell his name Remus’ name at the top of his voice, McGonagall said, “If I catch one of you four do so much as look at each other one more time, I will separate you for the rest of your 7 years here at Hogwarts.”

Sirius gulped; she definitely knew something. Something the Sirius really really wanted to know. Luckily, five minutes later they were dismissed. Remus left the classroom quickly in a rush, but Sirius was just as fast and chased after him. once they were in the hallway, and James and Peter had caught up, he confronted Remus.

“So? Where were you?” He blurted, sounding much angrier than he wanted to let on.

“Nowhere,” Remus replied bluntly, quickening his pace.

“Oh go on,” James replied, matching Remus’ speed, “Tell us! Was it the same place you went last month?”

“Maybe.”

“Were you in detention again?” Peter asked, out of breath from the speed they were walking at.

Sirius saw Remus’ eyes widen slightly; obviously annoyed he hadn’t thought of that as an excuse. Sirius smirked but hoped Remus wouldn’t see.

“Nope,” Remus said through gritted teeth.

“Then where-“

“Watch it half-blood!”

The boys had been so focused on bombarding Remus with questions, they hadn’t noticed Snape coming round the corner, and Remus had walked straight into him. Sirius saw Remus roll his shoulder back and stand up straighter.

“Watch yourself, Snivellus,” Remus hissed as he tried to push past.

But Snape wasn’t going anywhere, not until he had accused the boys of putting itching powder in the Slytherin boy’s beds. But of course, Snape had no proof, which James was quick to remind him of. Snape was just as quick to assume that it was Sirius’ or James' idea, pointing out the fact that Remus didn’t have the brains to come up with something so clever. Sirius wasn’t going to give Snape the satisfaction of a reaction but out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see Remus clenching his fists. Thankfully, right at the perfect moment, Professor Flitwick came and broke up the groups before Snape could curse Remus, or Remus could punch Snape. The boys walked into the classroom, without a second look behind them at Snape's bright red face. As they sat down in charms, Sirius kept his eyes on Remus for almost the whole lesson. His more serious observations had begun, and he didn’t care if Remus knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'I can't explain' by the Who.


	10. First year- Sirius' secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sc@rs

Sirius spent the next lessons with his eyes fixated on Remus. In charms, Sirius watched Remus sitting back in his chair, looking as bored as ever whilst most of the class still after weeks hadn’t been able to levitate anything. In potions, Sirius watched Remus purposely take to chopping and stirring to avoid reading the ingredients. In defence against the dark arts, Sirius watched Remus not write any notes and still perform the spell as if he had been doing magic since the day he was born. In transfiguration, Sirius watched the glances Remus got thrown at him from Professor McGonagall when he stared out of the window all lesson. In history, Sirius watched Remus nod at least three times each lesson. At meal times, Sirius watched Remus have four servings of everything and still complain he was hungry. In the common room, Sirius watched Remus stare into space as he and the other boys did their homework. And finally, in their dorm, Sirius watched Remus stare at the moon for hours on end before he finally slept. Remus noticed of course, sometimes. He would look up at Sirius, and Sirius would get lost in his eyes for a second before smiling at Remus as if he hadn’t been staring at him all lesson.

It was in the common two days later, that Remus found out one of the reasons Sirius had been watching him.

………

7th October 1971

_I won’t take all that they hand me down_

_And make out a smile, though I wear a frown_

_And I’m not take it all lying down_

_Because once I get started I go to town_

“Hey, Lupin?” James said as he finished his essay. They were writing essays on transfiguration draughts, “Want me to do yours now?”

“James you know I don’t,” Remus said coolly, though he sounded agitated.

“Okay but this time it won’t be for nothing. You taught me the ‘obfuscate’ spell, so I’ll do your homework. That’s fair, no?”

Remus passed as though contemplating what excuse he could give this time. After a moment he seemed to realise he didn’t have one.

“Fine, but just this once Potter okay,” Remus sighed.

James smirked and got to work. Sirius looked up from his own essay. He had already done way more than what was asked of them, but when he started writing he normally found it so therapeutic that it was hard to stop. He saw that Peter had completely given up on his essay and was now trying (quite pathetically in Sirius’ opinion), to levitate an apple. Remus was trying to help him by telling him his wand movement was off. Sitting back in his chair, Sirius watched in amusement and every time Peter got it up, it fell instantly back down again. After a bit more guidance from Remus though, Peter managed to get a bit of scrunched up paper safely to the bin.

“You should be a teacher,” James said off handily, after congratulating Peter on his accomplishment.

Remus snorted, but Sirius could tell he was so happy to be complimented on something to do with his academics. Sirius knew that Remus really wished he could do the work, and he wanted to help, but he couldn’t without Remus’ knowing that Sirius was aware he couldn’t read- and Sirius didn’t know if Remus would be annoyed with him if he brought it up. So, he hadn’t.

“I’m nearly done with this, just need to check something- can you pass me Magical theory? The Waffling book?” Jams asked, his head still down in deep concentration.

Sirius snapped to attention. He watched Remus’ sharp intake of breath. Biting his lip, Remus made his way over to where Sirius had about 10 books scattered in front of him. Eyes darting, Remus ran his fingers through his hair as he looked back at James (still reading over the essay), and Peter (still levitating balls of scrunched-up paper). Sirius could practically feel the panic Remus was giving off. He cleared his throat softly. Once he was sure Remus was looking, he leaned across the table and tapped a book, without looking at Remus to save him any embarrassment. Remus snatched it quickly and practically flung it at James. Sirius could feel Remus’ eyes burning through him as he sat down opposite Sirius. Still, Sirius kept his head down.

……….

8th October 1971

The next morning, Sirius awoke to Remus’ bed empty. He looked around hastily, but Remus wasn’t anywhere in the dorm room. He got dressed, not bothering to wait for the other two boys, and ran down to breakfast. He saw Remus sitting alone at the end of the table. Instantly, Sirius knew something was up because Remus’ plate was empty. Sirius sat down next to Remus very slowly as not to frighten him. This didn’t work. Remus looked up in horror and walked swiftly out of the hall, not giving Sirius even a chance to follow him before he disappeared into the crowd. Sirius sighed. He had spent his first month at Hogwarts trying to get his Mystery boy to talk to him, and now he had gone and messed it up again.

They had transfiguration first thing, and Remus sat with them as if nothing was wrong, but when Sirius tried to ask him if he was okay, Remus just turned to Peter and started a conversation with him instead.

The whole of the week, Remus avoided Sirius like the plague. As he went to bed on the 7th day of being ignored, he decided he would make it impossible for Remus to ignore him anymore.

……….

15th October 1971

“Yes, Black! Get in! Flying today!”

Sirius grinned, he looked forward to flying lesson all week. He grinned until he saw the weather.

“My hair is going to be ruined!” He groaned, looking at the rain and muddy ground.

“Oh stop moaning, would you rather be doing History?!”

“You know how much I love my Hogwarts a History,” Sirius said back with a wink.

James rolled his eyes, “Let's sneak off at the end of the lesson today and see where they keep all the brooms, then next lesson, let's take my invisibility cloak and take them all and hide them somewhere.”

“Alright, I’m down.”

Sirius and James looked at Remus for confirmation, as he had been the Marauder responsible for all of their pranks so far. He just shrugged.

In the flying lesson, James and Sirius were having a race. They were neck and neck at the front of the group.

“Come on Potter! That the best you can do?” Sirius yelled over the strong and noisy wind.

James leaned forward as he said, “You prick, I’m in front of you!”

“In your dreams!” Sirius laughed, leaning forwards again.

This went on for four laps before Sirius decided he couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. There was no way he was ever going to beat James Potter in a race.

“All right Potter, I wouldn’t want to bruise your astonishingly delicate ego, so I’ll let you have this one.”

Sirius swerved off to the left and circled round to the back of the group where Remus was, very close to the ground and going very slow. He looked as though he was gripping onto his broom for dear life. Sirius couldn’t help but smile. Sirius tried to talk to him, but everything he said was returned with a ‘piss off Black’ or a ‘you’re so annoying Black’. They were getting close to the ground again and Sirius could see Remus wobbling. Sirius tried to explain the best way to land, scared that Remus might fall off, but Remus had other ideas. Sirius jerked backwards. His eyes widened as he saw Remus laughing, hand on the back of his broom. Sirius turned and gave Remus a shove back. Remus’ breathing quickened but he managed to stay upright. He pushed Sirius back as he claimed it was Sirius’ turn to be last down this time. Sirius grabbed Remus’ broom and pulled him back. Remus grabbed Sirius, and both boys lost control, falling to the ground in a heap right into a huge puddle of mud.

“Black! Lupin!” Madam Hooch looked ready to expel them both at that very moment.

Sirius grinned and stood up rather gracefully for someone caked head to toe in mud. Extending a hand down to Remus, who still sat on the floor scowling, Sirius helped Remus to his feet. Much to the other Gryffindor’s amusement (most of who were laughing hysterically), both boys were sent in early to shower.

Sirius grinned all the way back to the castle. His plan had worked; Mystery boy was talking again.

Once he had finished in the shower, he pulled his clothes on and shook his hair, before combing it through with his hands. He didn’t bother looking in the mirror- he knew he looked good. Stepping out of the cubical, Sirius smirked at Remus who was re-doing his shirt after missing a button. Sirius looked up from Remus’ hands to his chest. He nearly gasped when he a long silver stripe stretching from Remus collar bone across his body.

Before he could think to stop himself, Sirius blurted out, “What’s that?!”

“A scar,” Remus muttered quickly.

Sirius scowled himself. He knew full well what it was. He had them too. His were different though. His were in perfect rows down the back of his calf. Each line, a perfect reminder not to anger his mother.

Sirius watched as Remus turned away and hurriedly did up his shirt. Sirius felt sick. He had never met anyone else with scars, he felt….. normal. No longer ashamed. Sirius felt a sudden urge to share his secret with Remus. He didn’t know why, but he knew it was the right thing to do.

“It’s… did it happen to you at the home? Where you grew up?”

Remus was frozen. He just nodded. It wasn’t a lie, but Sirius knew it wasn’t the whole story. However Remus had gotten that scar, was the secret Sirius had been trying do hard to find out.

“I’ve got scars,” Sirius said this so quietly, he wasn’t sure if Remus would hear him. He couldn’t say it any louder, because then it would make it more real. He didn’t want them to be real.

When Remus finally turned back to face him. Sirius bent down and lifted up his trouser leg, turning as he did so. Remus looked at them, eyes unmoving. Sirius suddenly felt very uncomfortable and dropped his trousers back down. Straightening up again, Sirius composed himself as he had been taught by his father, and washed any emotion from his face. Of course, he was just as good at this as Remus was.

Their eyes met. Both boys stared at each other for what felt like an eternity. All Sirius could see were waves of black and brown, finding himself feel as though he could look into Remus’ eyes forever and never get bored of the picture they were painting. All of a sudden, Sirius felt very hot. He broke the eye contact in order to stop himself from blushing. Remus, as per usual, stood still face unreadable.

“Shall we go and watch James making a prat of himself?” Sirius asked after a breath, already feeling much cooler now they weren’t staring at each other.

Remus just nodded again. Both boys were glad once they were back in the open air, and Sirius could see Remus relax and the wind blew his blonde curls out of his face. Since the start of the year, Remus’ hair had grown at a remarkable rate. Where there was once a buzz cut, there were now heaps of dark blonde curls. Sirius loved it.

Once they were seated, Sirius took to analysing his fellow classmate's technique.

There was James, who was by far the most agile in the air, though the ginger girl was beating him when it came to speed. Peter wasn’t bad but wasn’t anything special, neither was the girl with black curly hair. Then there was the blonde girl. She had so much power in everything she did, Sirius knew she would make a great Beater.

Sirius was so lost in the flowing of red robes, and zooms of broomsticks against the harsh winter air, he completely forgot he was alone with Remus for the first time since he helped Remus find the book he was after. Sirius gulped: after seeing Remus’ scar and showing Remus the secret he hadn’t even shared with James, he was even more determined to help him.

“Remus?” Sirius asked, much too suddenly for his liking.

Sirius was worried he was too sharp, but Remus said, “Yeah?”

“You can’t read, can you?”

He heard Remus sigh; he was too scared to meet his eyes again.

“Nah.”

Sirius felt his heart start to beat faster.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Sirius said, unable to stop the grin forming on his lips.

“Cheers.”

Sirius turned to face Remus. Remus smiled back, running a hand through his hair bashfully, only for it to fall straight back down in front of his eyes. Sirius could do nothing but stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'I'm not like everybody else' by the Who.


	11. First year- The girls

15th October 1971

“Black! Lupin!” James called to them as they made their way back to the common room after the flying lesson was over.

Sirius frowned remembering their plan to go and find where the brooms were stored. Sirius had messed up that one. They would have to wait till the next lesson. Maybe by then Remus would be back to his mischievous self and would help them with the complex spell they hadn’t mastered yet.

Sirius turned and waited as James ran up to him, black hair even more misplaced than usual. Not far behind was Peter, though he wasn’t running.

“Alright?” Remus said one James and Peter had caught up.

“You two are right tossers, you know that right?” James laughed, “What in Godrick’s name were you thinking?”

“I didn’t want Lupin here to feel bad about finishing last for the one-millionth time,” Sirius smirked, turning to face Remus.

Remus raised his eyebrows at him as he said, “And I didn’t want Black to have to finish without an applause, not sure his ego would be able to cope if he didn’t get one.”

“You both could have gotten detention for a week!” Peter frowned, “If you’re both in detention, I'm stuck with Potter and all his talking about that ginger girl.”

“That ginger girl has a name, Pete,” James scowled.

“Oh no boys! We’ve lost him already! To a girl!” Sirius sobbed into Peter’s shoulder who tried to shake him off, “I always knew the best-looking boy would leave first.”

Sirius saw Remus frown at this as if he had said something utterly absurd.

“What?” Sirius questioned.

“What, what?” Remus replied, frown gone.

“What was the frown for?”

“I didn’t frown.”

“Yes you did.”

“When did I frown?”

“Just then when I said-“

“Boys! Enough! Whilst I’m glad we are off of the topic of Lily, I do not want to hear whatever completely irrational idea you have decided to make an argument out of today. I must say though boys well done- you’ve set a new record. Your most pointless argument is no longer whether your robes should be two cm or three cm off the floor,” James said exasperated.

“Ah, Potter my boy, we are one hundred percent most definitely not off of the topic of the girl who has stolen our heart. I haven’t had the chance to make fun of the fact that she’s ginger, she’s friends with Snape, she actually does the potions work, or that she most definitely hates you,” Sirius said, met with laughter from Peter and Remus.

“She does not hate me!”

When this was met with smirks and raised eyebrows, James quickly corrected himself.

“Besides,” He said, slightly flustered, “I don’t even like her so it wouldn’t matter even if she did hate me.”

Sirius turned to Remus.

“Remus my boy, do you believe the lies pouring out of our friend’s mouth?” Sirius asked, eyebrow quirked.

“No Sirius, I certainly do not believe the lies pouring out of our friend’s mouth,” Remus replied with a nod.

“And Pete, do you agree with the statement James has offered us?”

Peter shook his head violently as he replied, “No, I one hundred percent do not agree with the statement James has offered us.”

“Well, that settles it then…. EVANS!”

At this point the boys had arrived back at the dormitory and were looking at the three girls sitting on the sofa across the room, all huddled together talking quietly. All three girls looked up, but only Lily replied.

“What?” She said, rather pointedly.

“Sirius Black,” Sirius said pointing to himself, “And this is Peter, Remus….”

Sirius looked behind him to where he thought Remus had been standing but saw only the back of the portrait entrance to the common room. Sirius frowned. _How does that boy do it?_

“Right, um anyway,” He continued, unfazed, “And this one is James.”

Standing with his mouth ever so slightly open, James blinked. Sirius sniggered.

“Okay that’s great, did you actually need something or can I go?” Lily replied, looking bored.

“Alright mate, my deepest apologies just wanted to introduce ourselves. I guess we’ll go see where our friend Mr Lupin has got to this time,” Sirius replied with a shrug.

Whilst he was dragging James out of the room by his cloak, he caught the eye of the girl with curly hair.

“Mary,” She mouthed to him as he turned the corner on the stairs.

Once they were back in the dorm room, Peter and James were in hysterics. Remus, who was sitting on his bed staring at the ceiling, looked up as they entered.

“Go well then?” Remus asked, sounding dull.

 _What’s wrong with him now?_ Sirius wondered.

“Well, if you think being told to go away and having to drag James out before he made an even bigger fool out of himself is well, then yes it went very well indeed,” Sirius laughed.

Peter patted the still baffled James on the back,

“Don’t worry James, it could have been way worse,” He offered earnestly.

This only made Sirius laugh more.

It took a while to pull James back from whatever mystery world he was living in at the time, but eventually, they were all in bed with the lights out.

Sirius turned to the parchment and pen that he always kept by his bed. It had been there since he had first asked James if he could borrow his owl to write to Regulus. Each night, without exception, Sirius started at it; mind entirely conflicted.

There were a few reasons he hadn’t written to his brother: he was scared his mother would find it and punish Regulus, he had been very busy with school and most importantly, he had no idea what to write. He couldn’t very write a letter to a boy, who hates where Sirius left him, about how amazing the place he left him to go to is.

But there were many more reasons why he knew eventually he would have to: he needed to make sure his brother was okay (or as okay as he could be in that house), he wanted to give Regulus something to look forward to, it would annoy his mother to see Sirius had decided to write to Regulus and not her, but mainly because he missed his brother like crazy. They hadn’t been apart in ten years until this September, and as much as he loved Hogwarts and hated his mother, he couldn’t wait to be back with Reggie for Christmas.

He looked over to James’ bed. He knew exactly what James would say if he were to wake him up now, so he swallowed his fears and began to write.

‘Dear Reggie,

How are you? I’m sure mother is reading this right now so I have to be careful what I say otherwise she won’t let you read it. But I just wanted to check in on you. I’m not going to say much in this letter because I want to make sure mother (I swear to Merlin you better Mother), actually gives this to you, but if I get a reply then I will tell you everything about this place. You’re going to love it here mate I promise.

I’ve got three roommates and as of the first week, we were all best friends. I can’t mention their surnames for obvious reasons (yes Mother, I said what I said, can’t have you taking my friends away from me can I) but there’s James, Peter, and Remus. I can’t wait for you to meet them next year.

I’ve learned lots of new spells in defence against the dark arts witch will be very useful in our case eh? We can use them for you know what (Mother, don’t ask him, he won’t tell u).

The only thing I can say about his place that is a negative is the meal times. The food is so much nicer than at home (Mother, step up your game), but everyone here is so unsophisticated. It makes me shiver just thinking about their table manners. I’ll bring them home over summer (with our without your permission, Mother) and you can help me teach them the difference between a fish knife and a dinner knife. Can you believe we were taught that before we could even talk, and nearly everyone else here didn’t even know you had more than one knife?

Oh, and mother you will be glad to know I’m the smarted person in our year, and most probably the second and third year as well.

It's already late here, I’m having to use my wand for light and my arm is getting tired of holding it up so I’m going to end it here.

Please reply so I know you’re okay, and I’ll write much more next time

Your brother,

Sirius Black’

He thought he had better at least sign it in the formal way he had been taught since the rest of the letter didn’t exactly match the standards his parents expected of him.

He picked up his list and crossed off

‘Write to Reggie’

All that was left now was

‘Look in book about tree

Find our Mystery boy’s secret’

Sirius had looked over Hogwarts a History, and plenty of other books from the Library, hundreds of times, and was still to find anything mentioning the mysterious. And now that he thought about it, in all of his parent’s stories, it hadn’t remembered the thing being mentioned once. Sirius decided that it must be a new addition to the school this year, but couldn’t for the life of him come up with a reason for the school to have such a thing in their ground. Not unless they were using it to hide something. Something that no one else could find out about. Sirius almost laughed at the thought about it; he was being ridiculous. It was probably just a storage unit of some sort. Sirius crossed it off of his list. If it really was something so important, even though it was new to the school, someone would have used a spell to put it into every copy of Hogwarts a history in Britain.

In its place, Sirius wrote two new lines on his list.

‘Ask Remus about his reading

Help Remus to read.’

Sirius didn’t have the slightest clue how he was going to do either of those things. Remus was about as easy to talk to as a door and was far too proud to ever accept any help from anyone- much less a ‘toff’ like Sirius. Laying back and closing his eyes, Sirius decided the best course of action was to give Remus time to recover from finding out that Sirius knew, and then confront him when they were alone so Remus couldn’t pretend, he hadn’t heard Sirius.

As he was thinking about Remus’ secret, his mind fluttered back to his own. He had shown Remus his scars. What had he been thinking, sharing a weakness like that? He could hear his mother’s word in his head, ‘Toujours pur Sirius’. A shiver ran down his spine. Sirius trusted Remus, he would tell anyone, that he was sure of, but it didn’t stop Sirius feeling way too exposed for his liking. Taking a deep breath, he relaxed a bit. He couldn’t help feeling that despite the look of his mother that crept into his mind, he was glad he showed Remus his scars. Well, actually no; he was glad someone else had scars as well. But Remus’ scar was different. Sirius found it fascinating that someone could make a scar look so cool. Sirius had never envied anyone in his life, but after meeting Remus, all Sirius could do was think about how he wanted to be just like him. Lifting up his trouser leg, and sharing a permanent picture of torture from his past, Sirius felt some of the pain disappear- he was no longer carrying the torment of the lines all by himself. Both the boy’s pain was relieved slightly that day in the showers, Remus carried Sirius’ horrors and Sirius carried Remus’. They were entwined in a way neither boy would think is possible, or even realise for many years, but they were, and they would be until the many ends that were to come.


	12. First year- Slytherin's Revenge

23rd October 1971

_Here come old flat top, he come groovin’ up slowly_

_He got ju-ju eyeballs, he’s one holy roller_

_He got hair down to his knees_

_He’s got to be a joker, he just do what he please_

A whole week went by before Sirius got his reply from his brother. Each night since he had sent the letter, he would stay up l later and later silently praying an owl would land oh the window ledge. Finally, one night, it came. The boys were sitting in their dorm room, replaying the disastrous events of the day in their minds. Receiving letter cheered Sirius up somewhat, but he was in no mood to open it. Not after what the Slytherins had done to them that day. He wasn’t really bothered about the prank, in fact (though he would never admit it), Sirius thought it was actually very clever. It was what had happened on the way back to dorm after the prank that had upset him. He was too annoyed at his family, and so didn’t want the feeling of getting the letter to be ruined by his anger.

Sirius felt Remus’ hollow eyes on him as he got up and untied the letter from the owl’s leg.

“Who’s that from?” Peter asked, not looking up from the essay he was writing.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business Pettigrew,” Sirius snapped.

Peter, not noticing the harshness in Sirius’ voice simply shrugged. As Sirius sat back on his bed, he tucked the letter under the pillow, telling himself he would read it the next day. He scowled ad James and Remus, who hadn’t relieved their stares, and flicked his wand at the curtains around his bed, drawing them to a close.

“What’s up with him?” He heard James ask.

“Probably just annoyed with the Slytherins,” Came Remus’ reply.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

They were right. _Bloody Slytherins._

……….

It had all started that morning. Sirius woke up late, and had missed breakfast. James and Peter went without him and so were busy eating in the hall, but Remus had decided to stay and keep him company once he had finally woken up.

Sirius watched Remus with a quizzical look on his face. Remus was reading. Sirius gave his eyes a moment to adjust (he was still half asleep), and noticed it was just one of James’ quidditch magazines. Remus had never expressed any interest in the sport before, and judging from his flying ability, wasn’t interested in being on the team either, so Sirius grinned at the sight. How he loved trying to figure that boy out.

Sirius gulped, burying his fear deep down and said, “Enjoying reading that?”

Remus looked hurt.

“Are you mocking me?” He asked coldly, no emotion that showed in his eyes was reflected in his voice.

“What? No of course no i-“

“You know I can’t read.”

“Well I know that’s why I asked. If you can’t read then why-“

“You know Sirius, I don’t really need reminding that I can’t read. I’m perfectly aware of my lack of academic ability. Some of us actually didn’t grow up in mansions, with money from private tutors from the age of two.”

Now it was Sirius’ turn to look hurt. Remus’ knew he hated any mention of his family, and yet he brought it up anyway. _Well, two can play that game._

“Did you just never get taught?” He asked, sounding curious, but deeply offended and somewhat angry still.

“I got taught.”

Sirius kept his eyes on him, unmoving.

Remus sighed and then, rather reluctantly, continued, “I got taught, just didn’t learn properly.”

Sirius listened intently, any trace of anger gone, as Remus explained how whenever he looked at a page, all the words and letters just jumbled together. Sirius was completely consumed by learning new things about his friends.

“Bur how have you been doing it?” He asked.

“Doing what?!” Remus almost yelled.

“Well….everything! All your work here at Hogwarts?”

Remus looked at him; eyebrows furrowed and eyes wide. Sirius shrunk back slightly embarrassed.

“Sirius,” He said, an edge in his voice as he tried to be polite, “I haven’t been doing it. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m in detention every night.”

Sirius waved his hand and explained how he the other day in potions, Remus hadn’t taken any noted but made his potion perfectly. Sirius saw Remus blush as he mentioned this, but quickly shook his head.

“Sluggy told us how to di it in the lesson before, I just remembered it”

Sirius’ eyes widened in shock and amazement, “Bloody hell, you must have a brilliant memory then”

Sirius stared at the wall just to the left of Remus’ bed. He tongue played the corner of his mouth, as it always did when he was deep on thought. The other boys made fun of him for it all the time, but he was too invested in Remus’ problem to really care that Remus was trying hard not to laugh at him.

Sirius was thinking to every single book he had ever read. He kept a log in the back of his head, for times he might need them for healing Reggie and himself after his mother had cursed him, or for coming up with spells to cheer his little brother up. He couldn’t remember reading anything about spells for eyesight, but he hadn’t read every book yet.

“If you could read, you’d be as good as me and James. Better, probably,” He said slowly, mind still whirring.

Remus chuckled as he said, “So modest, Black.”

Suddenly, Sirius snapped back to the present. He explained his thought process to Remus. Remus wasn’t convinced that there was a spell to help him (“why else does James wear glasses?” he had countered). Sirius told him it was probably because the spells were too complex that glasses were just easier, but again Remus argued saying that it was also his writing.

“There are definitely spells for that!” Sirius told him how his father enchanted his quill for official documents at work, because his writing was terrible. Sometimes, Sirius thought that was the only reason he had spent so long writing when he was younger. He so desperately wanted to prove himself, to be better than his father at something.

Remus looked slightly confused but also nervous. Sirius hoped he hadn’t stepped over a line. All he wanted was to help his friend.

“Why are you so interested anyway?” Remus ventured, biting his lip ad fiddling with the corners of James’ magazine.

Sirius wondered why Remus would even ask that.

“You’re my fellow marauder! We can’t have you in detention every day. What if the Slytherins strike back? We’ll need your evil mind for the pranks.”

Remus was eyeing Sirius suspiciously. It made Sirius nervous.

“Speaking of, I’m assuming you haven’t done your history homework yet?” Sirius asked bravely.

“Nope,” Remus replied, still watching Sirius’ face and every movement.

“Ok then, let’s get started.”

Sirius stood up excitedly and starting rummaging in his trunk for his book.

“No,” Remus said firmly, “You’re not doing my homework for me.”

Sirius laughed.

“Too bloody right I’m not. I just fancied refreshing my memory, that’s all. So, I’m going to sit here and read it aloud- because that helps me study- an if you happen to retain some of it in that enormous brain of yours, then there’s not much I can do about it.”

Sirius watched Remus over the top of his book. He was trying to hide his excitement, but for once, Remus wasn’t doing a very good job at it. He murmured something about Sirius having better things to do, and about James, but Sirius just said that he was out watching the Quidditch practice, and began to read. Well not read, more like recite; he had read it so many times.

Sirius was fully aware that Remus hadn’t moved from his standing position for the whole first chapter. At first Sirius was worried Remus would just walk out on him, but he didn’t. He sat down, eyes still fixated on Sirius, but Sirius had relaxed once he had decided to stay. Sirius didn’t know what Remus was thinking, but he wasn’t embarrassed. He could read this book in Latin or Greek in his sleep. So, eyes open and in English, he wasn’t going to make any mistakes. Once Sirius got to the fourth chapter, he heard Remus lie back in his bed. He beamed with pride. Another chapter later, Sirius felt a tug at his throat, and heard his words start to come out raspy.

“I don’t think I can study anymore today,” He coughed.

Remus sat up suddenly, and Sirius found himself hoping he hadn’t put Remus to sleep. Luckily, the smile plastered across Remus’ face told him he hadn’t.

Both boys then made their way down to dinner, where they found James and Peter waiting for them at the table. They talked a fair bit about their day, but Sirius was more focused on eating and drinking away the pain in his throat to really be paying attention. He only really looked up when Peter offered them some sweets he had been given by his mother. They all ate until they felt like they might be sick, and quite itchy.

In fact, after a few minutes, all four boys couldn’t stop scratching. Sirius looked at James, the and Remus who looked like he was about to faint. Remus stood up quickly, looking like he had seen a ghost. Sirius saw Remus’ hands. They were covered in dark hair. Sirius quickly averted his eyes down to his hands, and sure enough, they were also covered with thick hair.

“Peter,” Sirius growled, ignoring questions from James, “Are you sure your mum sent those sweets?”

By this point, Sirius could feel the hair on his neck and his face. He wanted to launch himself at Peter. People had started staring and laughing by now, and Sirius had never been so embarrassed or amazed at the same time before. At least he would be the talk of the school for a while; he would never turn down a bit of attention, even if it was at the hands of a prank pulled by the Slytherins.

Sirius straightened, and rolled his shoulders back, blocking out the hollering from his cousins.

“Come on, let’s get to the hospital wing. We can plot our revenge later,” He said with what little dignity he had left.

Sirius and James couldn’t help laughing as the turned the corner from the great hall, out of sight from the audience, but Peter and Remus were covering their faces in embarrassment.

“Told you they’d strike back,” Sirius muttered.

“Well that’s fine,” Remus said, his eyes glittering with mystery, “It’s just an invitation to get them back even harder.”

Luckily, Madam Pomfrey was able to fix them easily, and let them off with just a telling off about using dangerous magic when you’re not experienced enough, and they had managed to make it halfway back to the common room with only a few sniggers from passing students. But then, just as Sirius had laughed off the horror of turning in ‘bigfoot’ (as James had said), he heard someone behind them.

“Sirius.”

All four boys whipped their heads around, but Sirius knew who it was before he turned. He would know that cold, but no less calming voice anywhere. Bellatrix.

He tried to act calm, but he could hear his voice tremble as he said, “Whaddyou want?”

He rubbed his foot along the floor, hunching so his hair fell into his eyes, hiding his expression. Sirius nearly sighed with relief when he felt James step up beside him. Sirius heard his cousin say something but he couldn’t make it out over his heavy breathing and beating chest. But then, Bellatrix drew out his wand. No way could he put his friends in danger, and stepped forward, shaking his head at James who tried to follow him. He still couldn’t hear anything she was saying, but from the twisted smile on her face, Sirius knew it wasn’t anything good.

Finally, once Sirius was away from, he other boys, he started to relax. He realised it wasn’t his cousin’s presence that unnerved him; it was the other boys thinking that he was not different then she was.

“Hello little Cousin, how are you finding your time in that little hell hole of mud-bloods?”

Sirius didn’t answer.

“Ah, to horrible to put into words. Never mind boy, your favourite Cousin is here to make it all better. You are invited to have tea with us in our common room on your birthday.”

Sirius nearly laughed.

“I don’t-“

“Let me rephrase,” Bellatrix growled, peering down at him as if he was dirt on her shoe, “You _will_ have tea with us on your birthday. Is that clear? Because if you don’t, I will make sure you regret it. And you know I hate to hurt you, but I’ve done it before and I will do it again”

Sirius sighed. There was no point arguing; even he wasn’t that reckless.

“Don’t you dare sigh at me boy,” She sneered, raking a step closer to him.

Sirius froze.

“I said, Is that clear?”

“Yes,” He grumbled, eyes still fixated on his shoes.

“Yes what?”

“Yes Cousin.”

“Much better.”

She patted him on the head, turned on her heal and walked off in the opposite direction, back straight and strides long.

Sirius tried to smile as he walked back to his friends who were unsurprisingly waiting, holding their breath. Sirius walked past them to the portrait hole and they sat on their usual sofa by the fire.

Sirius told them what happened, his hands still shaking uncontrollably. James tried to cheer him up by saying they would do something better afterwards, but Sirius didn’t think he would be in the mood after a dinner with his cousins.

As the boys walked upstairs, Sirius noticed Remus biting his lip looking very guilty about something, but Sirius was too tired to think much into it, besides, at that moment, the owl came with his brother’s letter, which despite everything did make him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Come together' by the Beatles.


	13. First year- Sirius' birthday part 1

2nd November 1971

“Right Lads,” James exclaimed as they all sat down for dinner, “Light night of Mr Black over here being eleven. Let’s make the most of it!”

All three of the other boys just blinked.

“Um, not really sure what you have in mind but like, nearly all the teachers are here and can’t get any detentions because then we will miss the night of his birthday,” Remus said, going back to stuffing his face. He was having one of those days where he would eat anything and everything in sight.

James looked crestfallen, but Sirius was sniggering.

“Sorry mate but he’s right, if you wanted to do something you should have done it earlier,” Sirius replied dryly, but with a smirk.

“But I.. Sirius I’m so sorry i-“

“James! Stop being such a dolt. I’m kidding! You’re trying way too hard. Besides, it’s not even my birthday,” Sirius laughed.

“Black, don’t lie! You’re so stuck up, you want all the attention you can get!”

“The lies! The accusations! How dare you Potter, I thought we were friends!” Sirius huffed sarcastically, turning to Remus, “Lupin, I can’t even look at that traitor anymore. It’s me and you for life now.”

“What about me?” Peter asked, finally looking up from his food.

“Don’t worry Pete, Sirius wouldn’t last ten minutes without talking to James. It won’t last long,” Remus scoffed with a wink.

“Ugh, why do all my friends hate me!” Sirius wailed.

They all burst out laughing.

Once they had finished dinner, they all got up and started to walk back to the common room. Once they were all in their dorm room, Sirius looked to Remus to ask him what record he wanted on.

“Lupin, do you… where’s Lupin?”

“what do you mean he’s right…” James trailed off as he looked behind him, to an empty staircase.

“I’ll go see if he’s still in the common room,” Peter said and scurried off.

“You don’t think this is going to be one of those times that he disappears and doesn’t come back till morning, do you?” Sirius asked, hoping he didn’t sound too stressed.

“Nah, course not mate. He wouldn’t miss your birthday don’t be ridiculous,” James said with a half-hearted laugh, though Sirius could tell he wasn’t convinced.

Peter came back into the room and gulped, “He’s not there.”

“What a fucking tosser,” Sirius said under his breath.

He hated not knowing where Remus went to when he didn’t come back to the dorm room. It didn’t happen often, maybe once a month, but it really got to him. He couldn’t decide if he was annoyed or hurt. He had spent his whole life keeping secrets from his family, and not trusting anything they did or said, and he had come to Hogwarts hoping that he would make friends who he would be able to share everything with, and in return would share everything with him. But Remus sneaking off made him feel exactly as he had at home. He didn’t understand what he could possibly doing, or what he could be doing that was so awful he couldn’t even tell his best friends. Sirius understood being secretive more than anyone else, so he respected Remus’ decision if he didn’t want to talk about where he was going, but Sirius would have at least ben respectful enough to mention to his friends that he had to go somewhere or had something to do.

“Come on Sirius, don’t be too hard on him yeah? He doesn’t push you to talk about your family, does he?” James tried to reason with him.

“I’ve made it very clear that my family is an off bounds conversation topic, so of course he doesn’t bring it up. He somehow slips off without us knowing and doesn’t mention a word of it, and when we ask him, he comes up with the worst excuse anyone has ever heard. It’s completely different,” Sirius growled in response.

“Sirius mate, look at me,” James was using the voice that none of the boys dared to disobey, “We have to respect Remus’ privacy, and have faith that he will tell us when he’s ready; when he trusts us more.”

“How can he not trust us?! We’ve spent every minute of every day together for the past eight weeks!” Sirius yelled, feeling the heat rise up his neck.

“Yes Sirius, and I’m sure he is as aware of that as you are, but some people have a harder time trusting people then some others do.”

Sirius grumbled a response and went into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind him. Staring in the mirror, Sirius could see a single tear roll down his cheek. He couldn’t quite figure out what he was crying for. Was it the fact that Sirius would trust his Mystery boy with his life, and Remus wouldn’t even tell Sirius what he got up to once a month that resulted him in missing curfew? Was it the fact that Sirius couldn’t help feeling as though wherever his friend was, he was having an awful time and Sirius could do nothing to help? Or maybe it was the fact that the dorm room was never quite the same when Remus wasn’t there? He quickly splashed his face with water, hoping the shock of the cold would calm him down and bring him back to his senses. He had to get his min of Remus. He stormed back out of the bathroom, and threw himself at his bed, drawing the curtains close and casting a silencing spell. Luckily, the other boys took the hint and didn’t bother him again that night.

Once he was sure he wouldn’t be bothered, he picked up his letter from Regulus that had arrived the night before. He tore open the seal, and read.

‘Dear Sirius,

After mother’s thorough inspection, she decided it would be acceptable for your letter to be passed on to me. But still, be careful what you write back.

I’m glad you are having such a great time; I wish I could say the same thing. We thought it was boring here before, but now I’m alone, I’m going out of my mind. Mother and father spend nearly all day locked in their room, and leave me to fend for myself. The part about being left alone, I don’t really mind, but I have nothing to without you here.

Mother told me you would be having tea with Cissy and Bella on your birthday so I just wanted to remind you to be careful. I know what you’re like, but please do try not to provoke them too much. Bella reports everything back to Mother. Cissy says she doesn’t want to get involved, but who knows what information mother would be able to get out of her if she really tried.

I probably won’t get your reply until way after your birthday (I know how busy you are), so Happy birthday for then.

I miss you lots, Sirius, and if you have any ideas on how I can entertain myself, suggestions will be very much welcomed.

Your brother,

Regulus Black.’

Sirius couldn’t help but smile and wrote back instantly, reminding himself to go to the owlery in the morning to send it off.

‘Dear Regulus,

Have you tried using a colour changing spell to turn all the black things in the house red or yellow? That might be quite funny.

I really don’t want to go and eat with our fabulous cousins, but blimey are they scary or what? Bella pulled her wand out on me and my friends so I couldn’t exactly turn her down. I mean I’m an extremely talented wizard, but Bella would go full evil on me if I disobeyed, so thought agreeing would be for the best.

I’ll write again tomorrow and let you know my side of the story; no doubt Bella will twist it up in all different ways.

See you soon Reggie,

Sirius Black’

……….

3rd November 1971

_There are places I’ll remember_

_All my life though some have changed_

_Some forever not for better_

_Some have gone and some remain_

_All these places had their moments_

_With lover and friends I still recall_

“Happy birthday young sir!” James jumped on Sirius’ bed waking him up.

Sirius groaned, “Bloody hell potter! What time is it?”

“Six,” James replied rather proudly.

“Um yeah….no.”

Sirius pushed James out of his bed, rolled over, and went back to sleep.

An hour later, James was back.

“Wakey wakey Black! Time for breakfast!”

“Ughhh can’t my birthday present be staying in bed all day?”

“Ah shit. We were supposed to get a present. Pete, did you get anything?”

“For that lump of self-wallowing? Nope?”

“Shut up you tosser,” Sirius smirked, finally sitting up in bed.

James and Peter were both standing at the end of his bed, grinning insufferably. Sirius’ first thought went to Remus; he looked around quickly, searching for his friend, but he wasn’t there. Sirius caught James watching he, and smiled, not wanting to rain on his friend’s parade.

“Alright the, I’ll bite. What are you wankers smiling for?” Sirius said, eyebrow raised.

“Are you saying it’s uncommon for friends to smile on their friend’s birthday?” James questioned, eyes glittering.

“No, smiling is very normal. Grinning as though you’ve killed someone and are about to tell me where you’ve hidden the body is not.”

“Oh up yours Black, sorry we’re excited,” Peter said, as James threw up to fingers at Sirius.

Sirius laughed, “Alright, alright, sorry lads. Please….enlighten me.”

“We have used our handsome good looks, and charming words, to get ourselves the quidditch pitch after lunch, all to ourselves,” James blurted.

As soon as he said it, Peter looked as though the weight of the world was off his shoulders. Obviously, he had been struggling to keep the secret.

Sirius’ face lit up as he tackled the two boys into a hug.

“Guys, that’s brilliant! Thank you so much!”

“Alright you tosser, don’t get all soft on us now,” James smirked.

“As if,” Sirius replied quickly.

He played it off as if it wasn’t such a big deal, but inside Sirius felt he might burst from joy. Every year so far, his birthday had been exactly the same. Wake up, eat breakfast, do his work with his tutor, play a game of quidditch with Regulus, big family banquet, sleep. To anyone else, that might seem like the perfect birthday, but all Sirius ever wanted was friends he could spend it with. The only good thing was that he got a couple of hours of free time with Regulus. The family meal was the worst. He would spend hours being reminded by anyone and everyone how he was the Black heir, and how he had so many responsibilities within the family, how he had better not mess up, and how he should stop messing around and grow up before he embarrassed the family even more than he already had. His birthday nights always ended with him in bed, staring at the moon and writing the same words down over and over again so that his mother couldn’t see how he really felt. He would write down ‘I hate it here, I want to leave’ to get that thought out of his head, and then would proceed to writing ‘I will try harder to be the Black heir’ to plant the lies in his head.

……….

“Earth to Sirius,” James called as he flew up next to Sirius.

“Hm?” Sirius said, coming back to the present.

“Are you getting bored, we can go in now if you want. We’ve been out for an hour already.”

“Oh right, no, no I’m fine. One more game?”

James smirked and sped up on his broom, zooming towards the posts at the other end of the pitch. Peter had gotten tired and was sitting on the benches, watching intently.

“Oi, Potter! Is that Lilly Evans down there?” Sirius smirked pointing to nothing on the ground.

James followed his finger line, looking shocked, and veered off course. Sirius swerved to the left and stole to quaffle just as James loosened his grip on it to keep himself from falling off his broom. Leaning forward on his broom, Sirius went off in the other direction.

“Oh, that was low Black, that was so bloody low,” He heard James call, chasing after him.

Sirius laughed as he threw the quaffle through the tallest loop.

“Fuck you, Black, that’s practically cheating!” James huffed.

“Awh, don’t be a sore looser Potter. I don’t remember the rule book saying you can’t pretend you see the person your opponent fancies,” Sirius smirked.

“It’s called being a nice person, but you wouldn’t know what that is, would you?”

“Don’t make excuses because you’ve never met anyone that is better than you at quidditch.”

“That’s a very brave assumption to make my friend. You’ve scored one goal.”

“Well, if you stopped complaining we could carry one with the game and see who actually wins. Spoiler alert- it’s me.”

James snorted, and shot at Sirius, taking the quaffle right out of his hands and racing up to the other posts. Sirius laughed and shot after him.

……….

By the time the boys were walking down to dinner, Remus still hadn’t turned up. Even Peter looked concerned now; he hadn’t been away for this long before. The boys had tried finding Professor McGonagall, but she had waved her hand saying he was fine. _She definitely knows something,_ Sirius decided as they walked out of her office.

Sirius was jittery the whole meal. He couldn’t stop thinking about tea with his cousins. He had never been so nervous about something his whole life. He only normally got through the family meals because Regulus was there; but without him, Sirius didn’t know what he would do. James kept stealing glances at him from across the table, sensing something was up, but Sirius deliberately avoided eye contact. Thankfully, James got the message and didn’t bring up his shaking hands or bright eyes.

In James rather embarrassing attempts to cheer Sirius up, James conducted the school (well, the Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws), in a song of ‘Happy Birthday’, followed by ‘For he’s a jolly good fellow.’ Once they had sang ‘And so say all of us’ ten times through, they were threatened with detention from Professor McGonagall if they weren’t quiet. Even though Sirius was still unbelievably nervous, he had to admit that the songs did cheer him up, at least for a little while.

Back in their room, all three boys stayed silent as Sirius combed his hair for what seemed like the one-millionth time.

“Right,” Sirius announced breaking the uncomfortable quiet, “I’m off. Pray for me.”

He offered them a smile, but neither boy returned it. They looked more anxious the Sirius himself.

Setting off down the corridor, Sirius tried to calm his breathing; he didn’t want his cousins to know he was frightened of them. He stood at the end of the hall, looking at the Slytherin common room opening. He could see Bellatrix and Narcissa waiting for him at the other end. His mind went to James for some courage (“They’re Slytherins mate, we already beat them in every way possible,” he had said), let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, and walked towards his cousins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'In my life' by the Beatles.


	14. First year- Sirius' birthday part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Some pretty nasty themes, Blood.

“Ah, Sirius my boy,” Bellatrix whispered against his ear as she pulled him into a hug, “You realised it would be very wise to join us yes?”

Sirius did not hug her back but didn’t dare pull away either.

“Hello Sirius,” Narcissa said smiling fondly as she placed a hand on his shoulder pulling him into the common room, “Come in.”

Sirius kept his eyes fixed ahead, as he ascended the steps into the dungeons. In front of him was a singular black table, lit only by the light of three candles standing in the middle. The flames flickered though there was no breeze. It sent a shiver down Sirius’ spine. The common room was eerily quiet, even the portraits were silent. The only sound came from a crackling fire on the back wall. To his left, were three black leather sofas, which looked as though they were never used. Sirius had never been so glad to be in Gryffindor.

Sirius had gone over his plan hundreds of times in his head. Annoy his cousins in every way possible. James wasn’t fond of this idea, but Sirius hoped that if he could show his mother he wasn’t ‘Black material’, then he might be relieved of his position as heir.

Sirius had told himself over and over again that this was what he wanted, but he felt sick whenever he thought about it none the less. He wanted out of that house more than anything else in the world, but where would he go then? And how could he leave Regulus behind?

Despite the horrors he and his brother had faced for twelve years, he didn’t know how to let go. It was an ability he didn’t have. Not with anything. He always cared way too much. Little did he know, that in the years to come, it would be his lack of ability to do so, that would bring an end to any light he had found in the world.

“Sit,” Bellatrix instructed, gesturing to one of the wooden chairs around the empty table.

Sirius sat.

“So,” Bellatrix continued, haunted eyes piercing through him, “How are you finding your time here.”

Sirius didn’t have time to think. His mind was spinning. Go with James’ advice and still have a family that tolerated him by the morning, or go with his plan, and deal with the consequences.

“Well, I’ve only been here for a few minutes and so far, I won’t lie cousin, I’m not very impressed,” Sirius said, trying to hide his smirk.

 _Can’t be any worse than what I’ve already been through,_ he tried to reason with himself, realising he had just made a huge mistake.

“Not here you fool,” Bellatrix snarled, “At school.”

“Oh right, yes, yes of course,” Sirius replied with a shrug, trying his best to avoid the question. What was he supposed to say? He loved it until he was asked to have tea with his cousins? He was so glad to be away from his monster of a mother? Neither answers seemed like a good idea.

“Well?!” Bellatrix pressed, already starting to lose her temper.

“Well, it’s good I guess yes. What about you? Newts going okay?” Sirius asked quickly, trying to regain his composure, following James’ advice now.

“I’m not sure if you remember little boy, but we are here to talk about you. It is your birthday after all.”

“Oh, wait yes silly me, I totally forgot. It’s not like I had someone sing happy birthday to me over and over in the dining hall less than an hour ago,” He said with a toss of his hair.

_Fuck._

“I never understood why you would hang out with those filthy mud-bloods. It’s a disgrace to our name Sirius.”

“Cousin, do not despair. Potter and Pettigrew are purebloods. Don’t worry that you’re not up to date on the purebloods left in the world, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, and I won’t tell anyone,” He said with a wink.

 _Shut up Sirius,_ he scolded himself.

“I shall have you know-“

“What are your favourite subjects then Sirius?" Narcissa asked, cutting off her sister.

Unfortunately, Sirius was too much like the rest of his family then he liked to think. He found all the classes remotely boring, but only because he was far too smart to be learning stuff that he knew by the time he was five. For some reason though, he found himself unable to say this; it was exactly what his cousins wanted to hear.

“Well, I’m not really very good at potions or charms so not those. Oh, and defiantly not History because that’s too hard. I guess defence against the dark arts is okay. But flying is the only thing I’m any good at, I think. But that might just be because I sleep through most of the lessons. Well, I sleep through the ones that I actually turn up to, but most of the time I just bunk off” Sirius replied, with a sad look on his face.

_This shouldn’t be so fun._

Sirius heard Bellatrix scoff under her breath. _Perfect, she’ll report this back to mother for sure._

Narcissa looked up at him from underneath her eyelashes, and wisps of dark hair. It was a cold look, though Sirius was certain he saw a flash of what looked like sympathy in here distant eyes. it was a look which told him she saw through the lies. For some reason, this scared him more than any threat Bellatrix had ever given him.

“And Reggie and your parents?” Narcissa continued before Bellatrix had the chance to make and snide remarks, “Have you spoken to them much?”

“Of course not. Why would I ruin a perfectly good time by talking to them?” He said, purposely nit mentioning the letters he had sent to Regulus. _Oh, how he’s going to enjoy hearing about this,_ he thought.

“And those pranks of yours? All your ideas I assume?”

Sirius nearly told them it was Remus who came up with most of their pranks, but that was far too safe.

“Would you expect anything else cousin,” He said with a wink, “Just be glad you’re not a first year. Next flying lesson we’re going to-“

“I don’t want to hear about it Sirius,” Narcissa said quite forcefully, “Don’t give your mother more change to get information out of us than she already has.”

Sirius sat upright at this. Of course, it had crossed his mind that his mother would be looking into his cousin’s heads to get information, but he never really thought she would stoop that low.

“She’s been reading your minds?!” Sirius asked urgently.

Narcissa just nodded.

“No thanks to you,” Bellatrix snarled.

Sirius’ stomach knotted.

“I’m so sorry I had no idea I swear. I can show you how to resist her, I can-“

“We don’t want or need your help little cousin,” Bellatrix hissed, “We are only in this position because you can’t do as your told! It’s your fault and yet we are the ones being tortured by it. If I had it my way, I would have kicked you out of our family long, long ago. All you ever do is embarrass yourself and your name. You are no better than our other Sister. You-”

“Right,” Narcissa interjected with a clap of her hands, “Shall we have some tea then?”

Andromeda Black had been disowned from the family when she married a muggle-born wizard named Ted Tonks. She had left with no fuss and never spoke to any of her family again. Anyone apart from Sirius. She was the only one in her family, apart from Regulus of course, that he actually trusted fully.

With a click of Narcissa’s fingers, a teapot and three cups and saucers appeared out of thin air, and onto the table in front of them. Narcissa reached for the pot, but Bellatrix slapped her hand away.

“Let’s see what Sirius has been learning, shall we? Levitate the pot, and pour us some tea, will you?”

Sirius could do this in his sleep, but of course, he wasn’t going to let his cousin know he was a top student. That would be way to perfect to annoy her.

“I think it might be better if you do it cousin. Not too great at charms,” He said with a slight shrug.

“Oh, but where’s the fun in that,” She cackled.

Sirius looked at her as if to say _don’t say I didn’t warn you,_ and pulled his wand out of his robes.

He pointed it at the pot and said,”Wingardium Leviosa.”

The teapot slowly rose into the air. Sirius shook his hand ever so slightly as if to look like he was struggling with it. Slowly but surely, he poured himself a cup, and then Narcissa one as well. He pushed his want out further towards Bellatrix and began tipping the tea into her cup. Just as the tea reached the brim, Sirius jerked his want out, sending the tea flying out of the spout of the bot, onto his cousin.

“Sirius Black!” She yelled at the top of her voice.

In a moment, she had cornered him, pot smashed on the floor, wand to his neck. Sirius sucked in a breath and froze.

“I don’t know what you think you're playing at, or how in Merlin’s name you think you’re going to get away with it, but this foolishness ends now,” She snarled, one inch away from his face.

Sirius could feel her unnervingly cold breath against his skin. He wanted to scream, to fight, but somehow, his feet stayed glued to the floor.

“That’s enough Bella,” Narcissa said sternly from across the room, “Let him go now.”

Bellatrix pushed the tip of her wand further into her neck, before slowly releasing her grasp on his shirt. Sirius took a step forward, but Bellatrix hissed at him, sending him retreating back against the wall all on his own.

“I think it’s best if you leave now Sirius,” Narcissa spoke, face like ice.

“That’s the most intelligent thing either of you have said all night,” Sirius said under his breath.

_Too far._

Unfortunately, Bellatrix heard.

“Come here you-“

Narcissa stepped in front of her sister, arms somewhat shielding Sirius.

“Sister,” She said, “Don’t be stupid about this. Let him walk away if he wants to. He isn’t worth it.”

Bellatrix said nothing, only watch Sirius as he straightened his clothes and twirled his wand between his finger.

“Right, well, I’ll be off then. Nice of you to have me, look forward to seeing you next year for another splendid cup of tea. Au revoir my friends,” Sirius said with a bow before walking slowly towards to exit.

He felt his cousins’ eyes burning through the back of his head all the way to the end of the corridor. When he turned the corner, he leant his back against the wall, closed his eyes and sighed. He couldn’t think clearly. At the time everything had seemed like the perfect idea, but now… now he wanted to run back to his cousins, hug them and apologise for being like that. He didn’t know what his problem. Was. Regulus would never forgive him. If only he had listened to James. James was always right. He stayed there a few moments replaying the events in his head. He glanced up at the clock. He had only been there an hour, but the sinister feel of the common room and the malice he was getting from Bellatrix made it feel as though he had been there a lifetime. He had to get moving. It would prevent any tears that were on their way. As he walked back to the common room, he prepared himself for the angry letter from his mother (He was fairly certain that pouring hot tea on his cousin was not what she had in mind when she set this up). Just the thought of his mother’s face made his knees buckle in fear. Someone in his mind screamed, he saw blood, he saw tears, he saw flashes of light, he heard laughing. Within seconds, Sirius was on the floor, quivering with terror. Thank Godrick that he had the protection of Hogwarts.

_She can’t reach me here, she can’t reach me here, she can’t reach me here, she can’t, she can’t._

……….

_You and me_

_We live this life_

_From when we get up till we go to sleep_

_You and me we’re free_

James was on him as soon as he entered the dorm room.

“Sirius! Oh, Merlin! Are you okay?!”

“Of Course mate. When am I ever not,” He said with a soft laugh, giving James a look promising to tell him everything later.

“Right, sorry Black. Just worried,” James replied with a nod of his head, telling Sirius he got his message.

There was a cough from behind James.

“Happy birthday Sirius,” came Remus’ voice.

Sirius’ eyes widened, suddenly very angry.

“Where the fuck have you been Lupin?” He yelled.

“I’m sorry I missed your birthday i-“

“I don’t give a damn in hell if you missed my birthday! We were scared sick for you! I know you think we don’t care about you, and that we don’t notice when you disappear, but trust me we do! We stay up late every time waiting for you to come back, and when you don’t, we go down to breakfast as early as possible to wait for you there. Yet you don’t even have the respect to let us know where you are?”

Remus turned white.

“I’m sorry,” he yelled back, though Sirius could see he was close to tears, “I didn’t realise you would be particularly interested in knowing that I just needed to go to the hospital wing because I felt a bit light-headed. I also, funnily enough, wasn’t aware that Madam Pomfrey wouldn’t let me out till today because guess what, I’m not a fucking mind reader.”

Sirius sighed, there was no use arguing. Sirius knew he was lying, but there was nothing he could do about it.

“You could have just said you felt ill, we would have gladly walked you there and waited with you,” Sirius said quietly, lying down on his bed. He hadn’t realised how exhausted he was.

Remus was silent then for the rest of the night and stayed in his bed with the curtains drawn. Peter went to bed also not too long after, and Sirius wrote to Regulus explaining the dinner, not bother to leave anything out; his mother would find out either way. Then, Sirius crept over to James’ bed, cast a silencing spell, and told him everything. James listened closely, not interrupting once. After he was done explaining, James smiled his contagious smile and told Sirius to sleep in his bed tonight so he didn’t have to be alone. He didn’t tell Sirius he was stupid for spilling the tea even though he clearly thought it, he didn’t say he had told Sirius to play it safe, he didn’t ask Sirius why he felt the need to mess everything up, he didn’t tell Sirius it would be okay with his mother, and he didn’t tell Sirius it would get better, because they both knew that wasn’t true. Sirius had never been so grateful for anyone in his whole life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'I'm free' by the Who.


	15. First year- Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sirius has some pretty scary thoughts at the end of this chapter, Se!f h@rm.  
> Sorry for two miserable chapter in a row, but we are back on track now with happy chapter for a while.

4th November 1971

_I see a red door_

_And I want it painted black_

_No colours anymore_

_I want them to turn black_

The next day, the boys had a flying lesson. It had taken them weeks to remember looking where the brooms we held and coming up with a good plan, but today they had everything in place. The boys ate breakfast quicker than they ever had before, and rushed down the corridor to the pitch.

“Right,” James announced once Peter had caught his breath, “Alohamora.”

A broken wooden door swung open in front of them.

“I’m not sure it’s safe for a school to have locks that open so easily,” Remus murmured under his breath.

“Don’t complain though Lupin. Wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun if we couldn’t get into all these rooms,” Sirius said as he stepped into the broom closet in the corridor right next to the quidditch pitch.

“No, we would still be able to get in even if we couldn’t use spells like that. You can use a hairpin,” Remus shrugged as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Sirius and James frowned at each other. James shrugged.

“Um, Remus? How can a hairpin help you open a lock?” Sirius asked turning to face him.

Remus stared at him gaping, then rolled his eyes and said, “Of course you poofs wouldn’t know, right bunch of wizarding snobs.”

“Oi, watch it there, Lupin. Sirius will be going on all day now about everything he’s had to explain to you since you got here,” James snorted.

Sirius wasn’t listening though; he was too busy trying to levitate the brooms.

“Sirius mate, we’re never going to be able to levitate all these. We need a new plan,” James decided as he saw Sirius drop ten brooms all at once.

“Not if we just do one at a time,” Peter said.

“We have ten minutes Pete, it’s not enough time,” James replied, thinking hard.

“Okay wait,” Remus called out suddenly, making Peter jump, “What if, instead of hiding all the brooms, we just transfigured them into normal brooms.”

All three boys looked at him as if he had just escaped Azkaban.

“What in Merlin’s name, is a normal broom?” Sirius asked, still unblinking.

Now it was Remus’ turn to look surprised.

“Are you telling me wizards don’t have normal cleaning brooms? I mean, what do you use to sweep the floor?” Remus asked, completely amazed still by the obscurity of the wizarding world.

“We use a little thing called magic,” Peter replied, frowning.

“Oh wow, um okay, jeez guys I didn't realise wizards were so lazy. A normal broom doesn’t fly, its sweeps the floor,” Remus explained quickly, cautious of the time.

“Brilliant,” James decided, turning to the brooms.

“Genius,” Sirius replied, getting his wand out.

“Amazing,” Peter said, rolling his shoulders.

“Why thank you very much,” Remus said with a bow.

……….

That evening, the boys sat in detention.

“Alright boys,” Madam Hooch said as she entered the classroom, “Now, I won’t pretend I didn’t find your little prank highly entertaining, especially the part where you left your brooms untouched- it was a nice little flare. However, I am obliged to stick to the rules and you do have to have detention. Never the less, I don’t want to be here anymore then you do, and so I’m going to leave. You boys may talk, but please do not do anything stupid or else we will be back here tomorrow without the same privileges. It's half six now, at half seven you may leave. Understood?”

The boys nodded.

“Right, well, see you later,” and with that, she was gone.

The boys slowly turned to face each other.

“Well, my fellow marauders, what fun are we going to get up to today then?” Sirius said, quirking his eyebrow.

“Not like there’s much we can do in here mate,” James replied sighing.

“I cannot believe such rubbish is leaving your mouth, Mr Potter!” Sirius exclaimed climbing onto one of the desks and standing up, “This is a classroom of endless possibilities.”

“No Sirius, this is a charms classroom. There is nothing but desks and parchment,” Remus said solemnly, leaning back in his chair.

“You tossers are so boring!” Sirius cried as he started to get down from the desk, “Where is your sense of fun, or imagination?!”

“Back in bed where I left it at half five this morning,” Peter grumbled.

“Listen here Pete,” Sirius said, approaching him, “We all know that I hate getting out of bed early-“

“Pretty sure the whole of Gryffindor knows, the amount of moaning you do,” Remus scoffed.

Sirius ignored him.

“But,” he continued, “If it's for a prank, I will gladly wake up early in order to provide my services to the cause.”

Peter snorted, but turned away.

“Fine then, we won’t do anything, we’ll just sit here for an hour because that’s loads of fun,” Sirius rolled his eyes.

He wished he hadn’t said anything because, since that moment, the other boys worked tremendously hard ignoring everything he did or said, smirking at each other as they did so.

Finally, the hour passed.

“Right, so can you talk to me again now?” Sirius asked cheerily as they walked back to the common room.

“What do you mean? We were never not talking to you?” Peter said innocently.

The other boys sniggered.

“Ha ha ha, very funny Pete,” Sirius said, shoving his shoulder.

Once they reached their dorm room, Sirius was met with a very unpleasant surprise. Sitting on the window ledge was an owl. No, not just an owl. His mother’s owl. Sirius tried to tell himself it was just Regulus writing back, but that was just wishful thinking. Sirius wanted to run. Right then and there, he wanted to run out of the room. But Sirius had been playing the game of ‘unbothered by his mother’ since the day he got here, and couldn’t change that know. He didn’t know why he pretended it didn’t matter to him, he knew the other boys wouldn’t judge him for secretly still wishing he was loved by his family, no matter how ghastly they treated him. It was sort of a defence mechanism he had been using for as long as he could remember.

Sirius felt James’ hand on his shoulder.

“Right Pete, Remus, let’s go downstairs. Want a chess game, Pete?” James said ushering the other boys out of the room.

Once he was alone, Sirius opened the window and took the letter from the owl’s leg. As soon as he saw the crimson red envelope, he cast a silencing spell. He sighed and sat down on his bed. With shaking hands, he opened the howler.

SIRIUS ORION BLACK

I CANNOT EVEN START TO PUT INTO WORDS HOW ASHAMED I AM OF THE WAY YOU BEHAVED At TEA WITH YOUR COUSINS. WHERE IS YOUR RESPECT. I WAS GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO ALLOW YOU TO STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOUR FAMILY AFTER DISGRACING US AT THE SHORTING, AND THEN YOU GO AND PULL SOMETHING LIKE THAT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO YOU YOUNG MAN. WHAT IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR YOU TO STOP BEING SUCH AN EMBARRASSMENT TO YOUR NAME.

SINCE THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING WE CAN TO KEEP YOU IN LINE. YOU WERE NOT BROUGHT UP THIS WAY. I CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF MY FIGURE OUT HOW YOU TURNED OUT THIS WAY, BUT IT IS AN INSULT TO MY PARENTING.

AS PUNISHMENT FOR YOUR DESPICABLE BEHAVIOUR, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO CONTACT YOUR BROTHER, UNTIL YOU SEE HIM AGAIN AT CHRISTMAS.

TOUJOURS PUR SIRIUS

DO BETTER

Sirius sat, staring at the white ash on the floor in front of him. He didn’t have time for tears, he didn’t have time for worry, he didn’t have time to do anything except scoop up the ash and throw it into the bin. He didn’t want to feel anything, he didn’t want to think. He undid the spell and bounded down the stairs.

“Can I have a game?” Sirius asked Peter, sitting on the sofa next to James.

James frowned, turning to face him. Sirius met his eyes, forcing himself to smile.

“Yeah, why don’t you take my place?” James said slowly, suspicious of the boy’s grin.

“Yeah, alright thanks mate,” Sirius said cheerfully, swapping places with James.

As he played with Peter, he was fully aware of the dark brown eyes, staring at him from the sofa opposite him. He never met them though, not once. He knew that if he looked at Remus, he would feel the need to tell him everything. Remus had that effect on people. He kept all of his secrets to himself but made you want to tell him yours. Of course, Remus never actually wanted to know anyone’s secrets, in fact, he got quite uncomfortable whenever the boys talked about something remotely related to family or feeling, but that didn’t stop Sirius wanting Remus to know everything about him.

Sirius finished his game with peter (they drew), and the boys went up to bed. Sirius purposely kept his eyes off the bin, knowing that if he saw the letter, he wouldn’t be able to control himself. Sirius did, however, notice James eyeing the torn letter with an angry look on his face. James looked at him, and Sirius mouthed ‘later’ before going into the bathroom. Despite their whispering, Sirius could still hear the other boys through the door.

“Is he okay?” Remus asked.

“That’s a howler in there, don’t know how he’s keeping himself together. They are terrifying,” Came James’ reply, “Just don’t mention it to him though, yeah?”

“Of course not,” Remus said quickly.

“Never,” Peter concluded.

“Good, thanks, guys. I’ll talk to him tonight just to check he’s all okay.”

“Good idea, let’s go to bed then eh?” Peter said.

“Yep,” Remus agreed.

Once Sirius was sure the boys were all silent again, he opened the door. The lights were out already, so Sirius made straight for James’ bed.

Once the silencing spell was cast, Sirius recited the howler as if it was engraved in his brain.

“Are you upset? Angry?” James asked politely once he was finished.

“Both. But with myself rather then my mother,” Sirius admitted quietly, not making eye contact.

“What do you mean?” James ventured, careful not to push the boundaries.

“I still feel like I need validation from them, and I don’t want to. They haven’t done one nice thing for me, not ever, and yet I still want to make them proud. Is that awful of me?”

“Not in any way shape or form. They’re your family. No matter how much you dislike them,” James said, avoiding the word hate which Sirius was extremely grateful for. He didn’t hate his family, he loved them with all his heart, he just didn’t want to.

“But they’re horrible people,” Sirius countered.

“Yes, they are. But they raised you, and they are all you’ve known for twelve years of your life. I’d be more worried if you didn’t feel like this,” James said softly.

“What are we going to do about Regulus? I can’t even check in on him now?” Sirius said, sounding panicked again.

“Honestly mate, I don’t have a clue. Have they ever hurt him before, I mean, apart from that time you already told me about?” He said quietly as if he didn’t really want Sirius to hear.

“No, no after that, he never gave them a reason to come near him again. That’s what I’m worried about. He’s going to become one of them,” Sirius replied, even quieter than James.

James sighed. Sirius felt terrible. He shouldn’t be putting this all on James; it wasn’t fair. All he ever did was make thing harder for people.

“I’m going to go now,” Sirius said and left as quickly as he could, not giving James chance to argue.

Back in his own bed, Sirius cried. He cried until he couldn’t anymore. He didn’t know what else to do. He’d tried so hard, yet he couldn’t. He couldn’t make his family proud. He’d always been a trouble maker, but when he came to Hogwarts, he had decided to do everything in his power to get back at his parents. He wished he hadn’t. Maybe then, his brother would be safe. It wouldn’t have been any different though, even if he hadn’t been purposely trying to annoy her. It would have gone wrong anyway, just like everything else in his life. Sirius never wanted to fell like this again. He was done. Done running, done being scared of his own family, done trying to impress them. He had already taken it so far that he couldn’t go back, he may as well take it all the way.

He ran his fingers up his calf, feeling the bumps of his scars. Oh how he wished his mother would do it again. The pain of her slashes took away the pain trapped in his mind. The blood pouring down his legs, relieved the feeling tugging at his heart. He reached for his wand. He could take the pain away again, just as his mother did.

A hand grabbed his arm.

“Sirius,” James said, so sternly that it sent a shiver up Sirius’ spine, “Stop.”

Sirius turned to James, who’s eyes shot through him like bullets. Sirius dropped his wand and brought his hands up to cover his face. He was shaking all over, and he couldn’t stop.

“I’m sorry James,” He whispered through his sobs, “I’m so, so, so sorry.”

James took Sirius’ wand and placed it back on his own bed, out of reach from him.

“That’s it, isn’t it? You’re not going to listen to them anymore, are you? You’re going to do everything in your power to piss them off,” James said, with no emotion in his voice.

Sirius didn’t answer. James knew him too well. James knew Sirius had a breaking pint, and he had just hit it. James silently made a promise to the boy who was crying in front of him. He swore that one day, he would get Sirius out of that house for good.

James was silent as he sat opposite Sirius. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t need to. Sirius knew he was there, and he would never leave him, not ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Paint it, Black' by the Rolling Stones.


	16. First year- Sirius' idea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of this chapter is dialogue, so I'm sorry about that, but it has to be for this chapter.

5th November 1971

As the morning broke, so did all the boys except Sirius, who lay in bed until the other boys physically pulled him out, and onto the floor with a loud thud. If it was anyone else, James would have been terribly worried after the night Sirius had had, but since not wanting to get out of bed was part of Sirius’ daily routine, James didn’t fret.

Sirius got up from the floor he had been dragged onto and brushed himself off.

“Oh, what a lovely day!” He said brightly.

The other boys looked out of the window. The wind was knocking against the window, the rain was pouring, and the sky was dark grey.

“Um, right, yeah stunning,” Remus said, raising his eyebrow at Sirius.

Sirius had decided that the events of last night were to be locked away and pushed aside. It was a night he would never relive, and a secret he would never tell. Anxious for James to know this as well, Sirius beamed at him.

“It is isn’t it?” Sirius replied, forcefully ignoring all of the boy's confused glances, “Right, does anyone know the spell for burning something?”

James’ eyes widened.

“Sirius,” He said rather quickly, “I don’t think that burning anything is going to-“

“Relax Potter! I’m just going to burn the ashes mother’s letter, that all. I know there isn't much left of it, but I want it fully gone,” Sirius replied, still smiling.

“Oh, yes, yes of course. Well, in that case, um that spell would be, um…” James stuttered as he scratched his head, thinking hard.

“Incendio,” Remus said blandly, “Now could we please go for breakfast, I’m starving.”

“When are you not?” Peter laughed.

“Fair play Pete, but still,” Remus said rolling his eyes.

“Um yep, you guys go ahead, I’ll only be five minutes,” Sirius said, eyeing the pieces of the letter in the bin.

James frowned as he said, “You sure mate? We don’t mind waiting do we, Remus?”

James raised his eyebrows at Remus, who only shrugged.

“You might not, but I certainly do,” Remus replied with a smirk.

And with that, Remus picked up his wand and walked straight out the door.

“Go James, honestly I won’t be long. Promise,” Sirius said, lifting his eyes for a moment to see James’ concerned look.

“Okay then,” James replied slowly, “Come on Pete.”

Once Sirius heard the door close, he sat down on his bed and smiled. He could do this. He could move forward. He _would_ move forward. The howler was just a horrid reminder of what he had been through, and all Sirius wanted to think about was what he had to come. As he raised his wand, he thought about his mother’s words screeching at him through the paper and-

“Oh shit!” he said out loud.

That was it! That was how he could help Remus! Then Remus would finally trust him! If a letter can talk to you, why can’t a book read to you?

High on his new idea, Sirius burned what little was left of the letter, and ran all the way to breakfast.

“Woah,” James laughed as Sirius sat down, out of breath, “In a hurry?”

“Nope, just very excited,” Sirius replied as he grabbed some bacon.

“For what?” Peter asked, stuffing his face with toast.

“I’m going to the library,” Sirius answered with a shrug.

James snorted.

“You can’t seriously need another book with all of those you’ve got back in the dorm?!” he exclaimed.

Sirius only tapped his nose and smirked.

“Alright then, you prat. Keep your secrets,” James said, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, I will thank you very much,” Sirius grinned, “Lupin, come with me?”

Remus flushed red, but luckily only Sirius saw (the other boys were too busy talking about why on earth Sirius would be so excited for the library). Sirius just smiled. He knew that Remus was very nervous about the other boys finding out that he couldn’t read, and so whenever they did homework together, Sirius would just claim that reading aloud helped him to concentrate. More often than not, though, Sirius would read to Remus alone in the library. But now, he would be spending most of his time in the library, with or without Remus, researching the spell for reading.

……….

6th November 1971

“Okay,” Sirius said sitting up and closing the book, “Two weeks later and it’s finished.”

Sirius was secretly very impressed with himself. He had never been happier than he was now, knowing that he had been able to help his friend. His throat pulled slightly from all the talking, but it was all worth it when Sirius saw the look of pure joy on his friend's face when he was able to answer a question in class.

“Thanks, Sirius,” Remus said shyly.

“No problem at all mate. Which book do you want to do next?”

“You really don’t have to-“

“Nope! I don’t want to hear it! Besides, you would be honestly crap without me. If you won’t choose then I will. Okay…. hm…. Let’s do ‘A Beginner’s Guide to Transfiguration’ and also ‘Magical Drafts and Potions,” Sirius interjected with a grin.

Remus looked to shocked to say anything, and so only smiled. Smirking at the fact that for once Remus didn’t have a sarcastic comeback, Sirius got up and made his way towards the shelves of books behind them.

“Oh, don’t we already have those books? What are you looking for?” Remus asked, getting up too.

Sirius was adamant that he didn’t want Remus to know what he was doing for him. Not only did Sirius really want it to be a surprise, but he also knew that Remus would try and stop him. He admired Remus’ need t do everything himself, but this time, Remus really did need help from someone else.

“Just a book, it’s for something else, don’t worry about it,” Sirius said, picking out the book he was after and going to sit back down.

Sirius knew that Remus was eyeing him sceptically (when was he ever not) but Sirius kept quiet.

“Okay then, I’m going to go find Pete. See if he wants a game of chess,” Remus said, grabbing his things.

“Oh yeah, because you’re really good at chess,” Sirius smirked, still not looking up from his book.

“Up yours Sirius, I could beat you any day,” Remus replied coolly.

“I’d like to see you try,” Sirius said, as Remus walked past him.

Remus just laughed.

Sirius had spent every spare minute of the past two days, reading ‘Charms for Talking Objects’, and so far, hadn’t found anything useful. However, it was early days, and Sirius was determined to help his friend, no matter how long it took.

……….

12th November 1971

“…..Stir in an anticlockwise direction three and a half times, and your potion is complete. Warning, only use when the sun is up,” Sirius finished.

“Are you going to be reading out loud for the rest of the year?” James groaned, rubbing his forehead.

“Well, if it’s annoying you so much, I think I’ll have to won’t I?” Sirius smirked.

“How are any of us supposed to concentrate when you won’t stop talking?” James sighed as he closed his book and yawned.

“It’s not as if I’m talking rubbish. This stuff is helpful!” Sirius argued.

“Listening to someone read about potions when I’m trying to learn about charms, I not helpful in the slightest,” James rolled his eyes.

“Peter and Remus find it helpful, don’t you?” Sirius said, turning away from the frowning James.

“No,” Both boys said in unison.

Narrowing his eyes, Sirius glared at Remus, who only smirked back at him. Remus knew very well that Sirius wouldn’t tell anyone that Remus couldn’t read, and liked to use that information to get under his skin.

“Well then, I guess I shan’t ever read out loud ever again,” Sirius replied, trying very hard to keep a straight face.

Sirius watched Remus’ eyes widen, and heard his sharp intake of breath. At that, Sirius tilted his head towards him and lifted an eyebrow.

“Well, I mean, if it helps you Sirius then I don’t really mind,” Remus muttered, looking down.

“Oh, sorry Lupin. I didn’t quite hear that, could you please repeat yourself?” Sirius asked innocently.

Remus sighed deeply, lifting his head.

“I said,” Remus repeated, “If it helps you, then I don’t mind you reading out loud.”

“Remus! You push over!” James cried, looking up at the ceiling in despair.

Sirius laughed.

“Potter, if you have such a problem with it, go upstairs and do your homework. You won’t be missed,” Sirius said.

“Fine then, I will,” James huffed.

Scooping up his things, James marched up the stairs, followed closely behind by Peter (who would much rather be with James than Sirius).

“You know, I really hate you, Black,” Remus said once James was safely out of hearing distance.

“Maybe, but you need me so there’s not much you can do about that,” Sirius shrugged, leaning back in his chair.

“You can’t do it forever though. I won’t let you. It’s not fair.”

The look on Remus’ face broke Sirius’ heart. Remus desperately wanted Sirius to just get on with his own work, but Sirius knew that he loved being able to do the work.

“I won’t be,” Sirius finally gave in, “I’m in the process of finding you a spell. I’m not very close yet, but one day I will be. I promise.”

“Sirius-“

Sirius held up his hand, “Nothing you say is going to change my mind. Besides, I’m enjoying it. And I’m not doing to be doing any of the work for a long time because that would please my mother far too much.”

Luckily, Remus knew that there was no way he would be able to change Sirius’ mind, and so didn’t even try. Nothing he could say would convince Sirius that he needed to focus his attention on school work, and not on helping Remus.

“Okay Black,” Remus said softly, “Whatever you say.”

Finding Remus hard to read, Sirius started collecting his things, ready to make his way up to the dorm room. Sirius didn’t think (well, he hoped) that Remus wasn’t annoyed at him for getting involved, but he couldn’t tell.

Sirius caught his eye and smiled. Remus smiled right back. That was all the reassurance that Sirius’ needed.

“Let’s go you tosser, James is stuck all alone with Pete up there. He’ll never admit it, but he misses us,” Sirius said as he started the ascent up the stairs.

“You flatter yourself too much,” Remus replied, following close behind.

“Maybe,” Sirius winked, “I deserve it though.”

“Debateable,” Remus replied.

Sirius grinned.

……….

20th November 1971

“Sirius mate, I think you’re losing your touch. You only got an ‘acceptable’,” James said, shoving him playfully.

Weeks had passed, and whilst the other boys had been studying, Sirius had either been reading to Remus or looking up spells to help Remus.

“No, no,” Sirius replied with a wave of his hand, “I think you are just getting much smarter.”

James frowned at him. For a moment, Sirius was worried James suspected something.

“You’re right! I am!” James said joyously.

Sirius grinned at Remus but was only met with a look of stress.

“What’s wrong?” Sirius whispered to him, out of hearing distance from Peter and James.

“You only got an ‘acceptable’!” Remus hissed.

Sirius just shrugged.

“I don’t see why that’s upset you?”

“But you spend so much time in the library!” Remus persisted.

Sirius took one look at the concern on Remus’ face and admitted that he had been trying to find cognitive interpretation spells to help Remus with his reading.

Remus only sighed. Sirius didn’t know if it was a sigh as in, ‘That’s so nice wow!’ or a sigh as in, ‘Why on earth would you do that!’. To be honest, Sirius didn’t really want to know. He wasn’t about to throw away weeks of research because of a sigh. Sirius still hadn’t got very far with finding an actual spell, but he had found out a few that he wanted to try combining, so that was a start.

……….

23rd November 1971

_Leaves are falling all around_

_It’s time I was on my way_

_Thanks to you I’m much obliged_

_For such a pleasant day_

Sirius and Remus were both lying on their beds, listening to Sirius’ record player. As soon as Sirius had put it on, James and Peter had left to go to the common room and play chess. Neither Sirius nor Remus could understand why they wouldn’t want to listen, but James and Peter claimed they didn’t like ‘muggle music’. Sirius thought that was slightly offensive to Remus, but never mention it because Remus didn’t seem phased.

“Hey, Sirius?” Came Remus’ voice from across the room.

Sirius sat up at once, going to turn down the record player.

“Yeah mate?” Sirius asked.

“Can I see all your records? Like, see which ones you’ve got?”

“Yes! Come over here, I’ll show you,” Sirius said excitedly.

Remus got up smiling, glad that Sirius was so happy to share. Sifting through his collection, Sirius showed Remus all of his favourite ones. Sirius knew that Remus probably knew a lot more about muggle music than he did, but he told him everything anyway.

“I think you must be the only pure-blood or even half-blood here, that listens to any of these people,” Remus laughed.

“They don’t know what they're missing out on,” Sirius replies, smiling broadly.

“How did you get them all anyway? You know, with your family, I didn’t think they would let you listen to stuff like this,” Remus asked.

Sirius could hear his voice soften when he spoke about Sirius’ family. Feeling bad that Remus felt he had to be careful around him, Sirius explained how his cousin Andromeda was disowned from the family when she married a muggle, and how she sent the records to him via the post office, so that his mother didn’t find them.

“So, you only ever listen to these records? Not the radio, or anything?” Remus asked, failing to mask his surprise.

“Nope, only these, and then new ones when my cousin gets round to sending them,” Sirius replied. He had never really thought about all the music he was missing out on until Remus said that, “But you can tell me all about them though? The bands and singers? We can call it, ‘muggle insight.’”

As Sirius said ‘muggle insight’, he waved his hands in front of his face, wiggling his fingers. Remus raised an eyebrow, looking thoroughly unimpressed. At that moment, James and Peter came back into the room.

“Is that the best name you can come up with?” Remus smirked.

“It’s brilliant, you can’t pretend it isn’t!” Sirius countered, smirking right back.

“I don’t even know what the name is for,” James intervened, “But it’s awful Sirius. Honestly awful.”

“Leave off Potter. You have no right to talk to me when you refuse to listen to the most beautiful music that will ever bless your ears,” Sirius huffed, making a show of turning his back to James.

Remus rolled his eyes but said, “Well anyway, if you’ve not got anything better, what do you want to know?”

Sirius’ eyes lit up and turned back to Remus.

“Anything about anyone! What about the Beatles?” Sirius asked eagerly.

“Oh I’ve seen the Beatles-“ Remus started.

“You’ve actually seen them, though?! You’ve seen them performing?!” Sirius gasped.

Rubbing his arm, Remus replied, “Not in real life, or anything.”

Feeling as though he had made Remus uncomfortable, Sirius said, “No, I know, on the telephone.”

A smile tugged on the side of Remus’ mouth. Sirius felt embarrassed; he was always getting all this muggle stuff wrong.

“On the television,” Remus amended.

As Remus explained how a television was like the moving paintings in the halls, Sirius frowned. He couldn’t for the lift of him understand what the point of a television was. It seemed like a waste of time, sitting in front of a box with pictures on all day. Thank goodness they weren’t a wizard thing; he would never ever have to have one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Ramble on' by Led Zeppelin.


	17. First year- Home again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of @buse from Sirius' father, b!ood and Sc@rs.

22nd December 1971

“Bye mate!” James called as he ran off with Peter to join his family.

Flashing a smile, Sirius turned away and started wearily toward the Slytherin end of the platform, where the Slytherin carriage had stopped. Sirius had been having mixed feelings about going home for Christmas. Ever since receiving the letter informing him that he had, ‘been enough of a disgrace to his family to spend Christmas anywhere apart from this house,’ he was conflicted. Longing to see his brother, Sirius was glad to be returning, despite how much he would miss his friends, however, seeing his mother was never going to be an extremely pleasant experience. Secretly, he wished he could have stayed at Hogwarts with Remus, who wasn't legally allowed to leave because of something to do with the home where he had grown up. Sirius didn't really understand, but he assumed it was just a muggle thing.

“Sirius!” A small boy yelled through the sea of people.

Sirius would know that voice anywhere: Regulus.

Picking up his pace, Sirius pushed person after person out of his way, until he could see his brother. In the blink of an eye, Sirius had enveloped Regulus in his arms. Not two moments later were they pulled apart.

“Sirius,” Walburga’s grating voice hissed, “Stop making a scene.”

Sirius pulled away with a grin. Less the one minute into the holidays, and he had already managed to annoy his mother.

“Hi, Mother,” He chirped, “How lovely to see you too!”

“I don’t know, and I don’t _want_ to know, what you think you’re going to be getting away with this holiday, but let me be very clear. Your father and I will not be tolerating anything other than perfect behaviour. You are on very thin ice, young man, and one step further will result in serious actions being taken. Have I made myself clear?” Walburga rasped, leaning closer to his face with each sentence.

Sirius stepped away.

“Crystal,” He said, a smirk playing on his lips.

……….

The Black mansion was even more foreboding than Sirius had left it. Maybe it was just his imagination, or maybe it was because he had been in the Gryffindor common room for nearly four months, but his house had never looked less welcoming. Grimmauld Place was hidden from muggle sight by a Fidelius Charm, meaning Sirius and Regulus both had very lonely childhoods, with only each other around to play with. Obviously, his parent much preferred it this way, but the two boys had often spent nights fantasizing about playing the muggle game where you moved a ball only with your feet with the other children on their road.

The air shifted as the door swung open; it grew cold and harsh. He had gotten used to the icy chill when he lived here, but after being away for so long, it was an unwelcome shock. At the sight of the Black heir, all the portraits hushed their voices to whispers. Sirius looked straight ahead, ignoring the looks of disappointment being shot at him like arrows.

“Boys,” His mother said once she had closed the door behind them, “To your rooms now. I’ll see you at lunch.”

With that, Walburga pushed past the boys, walked to the end of the corridor, and slammed the door in their faces.

“Ah, just as cheerful as always I see,” Sirius smiled, turning to Regulus.

“I mean, she hasn’t tried to curse you yet, so that’s a good sign,” Regulus replied with a shrug.

“No, that’s a fair point. Only a matter of time though isn’t it,” Sirius said with a nervous laugh.

“You’ll be fine as long as you do as you're asked,” Regulus said, a slight pleading note in his voice.

“You know that’s never going to happen,” Sirius waved a hand, “Come on, I’ll race you.”

Sirius darted up the stairs as quickly as he could, though Regulus wasn’t far behind. Floorboards creaked as they went, but they didn’t stop. Soon enough, Regulus had caught up with Sirius. He shoved Sirius and tore ahead of him. Narrowing his eyes, Sirius grabbed the back of Regulus’ robe, and yanked him back, overtaking him once again. By the time they had reached Sirius’ bedroom, both boys were laughing and gasping for breath. Together, they collapsed on Sirius’ bed.

“Haven’t run in these halls in forever,” Regulus admitted, staring up at the ceiling.

“Well, when you come to Hogwarts, we can race everywhere. It’ll be ten times more fun though because the staircases move, so it’s much easier to get lost or go the wrong way,” Sirius said dreamily, wishing more then ever that Regulus was able to come to school with him.

“I don’t see how that's fair on me, seeing as you already know your way around them.”

“Well then, I guess you’ll have to learn quickly, won’t you?”

Regulus laughed, then let out a long breath. Propping himself up on his left elbow, Sirius turned to face him.

“You alright?” Sirius questioned.

“Yeah, I am actually. Don’t take this the wrong way, but everything has been fine here since you left. Mother hasn’t hurt me at all, not once.”

“Ouch. Guess we know who the favourite child is then,” Sirius laughed, trying to mask the twinge of sadness he felt pull at his stomach.

He felt guilty for feeling upset when his brother had just confirmed that he was safe all the time Sirius was away. He had spent every minute of every day at Hogwarts worried for his brother, but he didn’t need to. As long as Sirius wasn’t around, Regulus was protected.

“I wouldn’t say I’m the favourite child,” Regulus replied, sounding somewhat ashamed, “I just think I’m too scared to stand up to them. Not like you, you’re never scared.”

Sirius laughed.

“Reggie,” He began, “Not once, have I said something to our parents when I haven’t been frightened out of my mind.”

“Really?” His brother questions, shifting his position to face Sirius.

“Really,” Sirius smiled at him, “They terrify me every time I see them.”

“Me too,” Regulus sighed.

They were silent for a very long time after that. Neither boy could find the words to say what they wanted to. Sirius wanted to promise his brother that they would find a way out; that they would escape this torturous house, but how could Sirius make a promise he wasn’t sure he could keep.

Sirius broke the silence first.

“Want me to tell you all about Hogwarts?” He asked, smiling again at the thought of his friends.

Regulus’ eyes lit up as he replied, “Yes please!”

Sirius spent the rest of the day, stopping only when the boys were called for lunch and dinner, in which the family sat nearly the whole time in foreboding silence (which Sirius wasn't sure he preferred to being yelled at), giving Regulus a full account of every single day that he had spent at Hogwarts. Regulus listened intently, smiling along with Sirius as he imagined himself there alongside his brother and his brother’s friends.

……….

23rd December 1971

In the evening, Sirius went to the Library. He was very close to finding a spell for Remus and was set on getting it perfected for when he returned to Hogwarts after Christmas. He’d managed to get a book to read out loud to him, but that was no use to Remus. It was his mother in the end, who had given him the idea on how to fix the spell.

“Sirius, how is your school work going?” His mother had surprised him by asking him at the dinner table the evening of his first day back home.

“Very well thank you,” He replied, keeping his eyes down on his food, “Top of the class.”

It wasn’t a lie exactly; he had been top of the class until he had started looking for a spell for Remus, and he knew very well if he wanted to, he could be top of the class again.

“Sirius, you know I can find out if you’re lying to me,” Walburga said warningly.

“Yes, yes. I know you can read my mind with-“

Sirius dropped his knife and fork onto the table, splattering his food all over.

“Sirius!” His father roared, “What do you think you’re doing?!”

But Sirius was listening. In fact, he was halfway down the hall by this point, sprinting to the Library. His mother could get inside his head using legilimency, and so Sirius would put his book reading spell inside his head, using that exact thing.

Just as he got to the library door, he felt a hand grab his robe.

“Young man,” His father’s voice hissed, “You did not have permission to leave the table.”

“To be completely honest Father, I don’t really care. This is far more important than dinner,” Sirius said with a twinkle in his eye.

“Well, to be completely honest also, I don’t really care what you think is important, because this is my house,” Orion snarled, starting to drag him back to the dining hall.

Struggling to break free, Sirius stomped his foot down onto his fathers. Orion released his robe, and moved his hand to Sirius’ throat, pressing him up against the wall. Sirius knew better than to make a show of struggling for air. He froze, waiting for the pain of his father’s spell to come.

..........

Finally, once he had been dismissed, he went into the bathroom to try and clean the blood off his newly scarred legs. Surprisingly, Sirius found that it hadn't hurt that much; he guessed he was just used to it. As he sat on the stone-cold floor, wiping the red stains away, he thought of Remus, with his scars, sat at school all alone. Not a single tear escaped his eye as he ran his finger along the four new lines (two on each leg), fitted perfectly into the rows on his calves. 

Once he had sat for a moment, he brushed himself off and rushed back to his books, trying hard not to think about his parents or his scars. Pausing for just a moment to collect his thoughts, he picked out the book on legilimency. He had never so much as touched this book before in fear of what more he might find out about his mother’s favourite form of punishment. Biting his lip to stop himself from crying, Sirius opened the first page. Not wanting to read any more than what was absolutely necessary, he turned starlight to the back of the book, to the index. He found the chapter he was after almost immediately.

‘Occlumency.’

Sirius shuddered, remembering that fateful night years ago, and pulled a much warmer traveling robe around him. Since he had first gotten there the day before, he had kept an extra robe with him at all times. The air in the house was ominous and bone-chilling, and he often found himself shivering even when neither of his parents (or his brother for that matter) seemed bothered at all. As he read through the text, his is eyes moved back and forth along the page until he found the sentence he needed.

‘One must close of their mind, and keep their thoughts so far back, that only that particular person may be able to reach them.’

It was perfect. All he needed to do now, was incorporate occlumency into the spell he had already perfected.

It proved a much more difficult task than he had anticipated. He had realised that this type of magic was highly advanced, however he had expected to be able to get it with a couple of hours. Four hours later, and finally, he had a book reading to him inside of his head. Well, at least he thought it was; he couldn’t be certain that it wasn’t just him reading. Forcing his lips shut to stop himself gasping with elation, he closed his books and sat back in his chair. He’s done it. After weeks of staying up late in the library, he had finally done it. Smiling to himself, he imagined the look on his friend's face as Sirius presented his gift proudly.

As he moved to put his books away, he noticed the time. _Crap,_ he thought to himself. It was well past midnight. He was hours past his curfew now. He started to panic. Last time he was late to bed.... well, he didn't like to think about that. His heart beat louder and faster as he tried to conjure up a plan. He didn’t get very far, because, at that very moment, the door swung open.

“Well, well, well,” Came his father's ice-cold voice, “What do we have here? I see you have forgotten what happens to little boys who don’t go to bed when they are asked. Do you need reminding Sirius?”

Sirius could not move a muscle. He was paralysed with fear. Surely he wouldn't be tortured twice in one day?!

As if hearing Sirius' thoughts, his father laughed sinisterly.

“And what would one be doing at this time?” Orion snarled, taking a step closer to his son.

Sirius, once again, said nothing. His mind was elsewhere. Not with screams or blood, but with Regulus; Regulus saying he envied Sirius’ bravery. Sirius didn’t feel very brave at that moment, but he wouldn’t, he couldn’t, let his brother down. If they were going to escape this place together one day, Sirius had to show Regulus he could be fearless. Sirius had to be ready.

There were footsteps coming down the hallway, and Walburga entered.

"Ah," She said, snarling at the sight of Sirius, "This is not what I call following orders, is it?"

Sirius tried to steady his breathing, but he was already focusing too hard on keeping the tears in.

"You have caused enough trouble at school hanging around with those mud-bloods, I will not have you behaving this way at home too. Tomorrow, or today really since it is past midnight, the whole family will be arriving and your mother and I have already had plenty of letters addressing your situation at school, and we have assured them that you will stop being such a disgrace, and start acting like the Black family heir. Blood traitors are not accepted in this house, as you have seen well enough with your cousin. Now, what punishment seems fit for little gits like you?" His father didn't yell, just spoke with such disgust in his voice, that Sirius almost felt embarrassed.

He shook the thought away. This was exactly what he had said wouldn't phase him anymore. In a moment of either idiocy or courageousness, Sirius said a silent goodbye to Regulus, shot a spell at his parents, turned on his heel, and ran. He ran faster than he had ever run before. Fortunately, he hadn’t needed to go very far- the fireplace was only at the other end of the library. Yes, the library was extremely big, but Sirius made it before his father or mother had even gotten up off the floor.

Grabbing the powder, Sirius leaped into the fireplace, and yelled, “Hogsmeade!”


	18. First year- Christmas

24th December 1971

A jarring wind was screaming, and using all of its force to push back at Sirius, trying to keep him from his destination. The cobbled streets shone in the wet underneath the flickering streetlights. Rain thrashed down on him mercilessly, not leaving one single part of him untouched. The sky could hardly be seen through the inky pools of clouds shading it- only a few fragments of starts manage to creep through the barrier. The creaking doors and moaning wood was a remorseless reminder of all he had left. His mind imprisoned him, torturing him with thoughts of his brother left behind. Forcing the thoughts away, Sirius trekked on towards the castle.

When Sirius finally reached his dorm room, he was drenched- not to mention freezing. He looked at the moon, scarcely visible behind the clouds, and decided that Remus was most probably still asleep. Trying to hide his excitement at being back, Sirius tentatively pushed open the door. Sirius was as quiet as anyone could possibly be, but Remus was known for his unhuman-like hearing skills.

“Sirius!” The blonde boy cried as he jumped out of bed.

Sirius had never been happier to see anyone in his whole life.

“Alright, Lupin? Freezing, isn’t it?” Sirius said before casting a spell to light the fire.

“What are you doing here?!”

Not in the mood for sympathy, Sirius rushed through a brief explanation as he pulled off his muddy boots.

“Had enough. Got into an argument with Dad, then the whole family got involved,” Sirius’ mind drifted to the horrors that were written about him in the letters from his family, “All the usual stuff. Called me a blood traitor, the shame of the family, et cetera, et cetera. So, I left.

Collapsing onto his bed, Sirius let out a sigh of disbelief. Apparently, Remus couldn’t quite believe it either.

“Wow,” Remus gaped, “How did you get here?”

“Floo powder. To the pub in the village. Then just walked in,” Sirius replied curtly, patiently waiting to move away from the topic.

“Wow,” Remus said again, still sounding surprised.

Sirius took his chance to change the subject of the conversation and suggested going to get breakfast. Remus agreed, and after changing his robe into one that did not look like Sirius had been swimming in it, they made their way down.

Only half of the decorations had been put up, but by how magical the hall looked already, Sirius and Remus knew that tomorrow the finished decorations would be all they could hope for, and then some. Standing tall at the end of the great hall was the biggest Christmas tree Sirius had ever seen, the green branches were decorated with golden stars, silver baubles, and red tinsel. Cloaking the walls were floating stars, and hanging from the archways high up above, were baubles the size of quaffles. Neither boy could so much else apart from stare.

Smiling ear to ear, the boys walked swiftly (trying not to draw too much attention to themselves) to their table. Just as they were about to take their seats, a stern-looking professor appeared out of thin air.

She questioned Sirius, but he wasn’t anxious to give much away. In fact, even as his mother’s owl dropped a red envelope in front of him, he managed to obtain his careless visage. Inside, of course, Sirius was engulfed with terror. A wave of guilt rushed over him as he remembered Regulus, and how Sirius had abandoned him.

 _No, I had to, this was for him,_ Sirius cursed himself, turning to give Professor McGonagall a tiresome look. And Godrick, was he bloody tired. Not only had he not slept at all because of the work he had been doing for Remus’ spell, had a battle with the wind and rain trying to make his way back to Hogwarts, but he was also tired of having to save himself from the people who were supposed to protect him.

He assured the professor that there was no point in contacting his family, as they were clearly already aware of his whereabouts, and grabbed hold of the far too familiar letter. With his eyes staying trained on McGonagall, he tore it open. He full well what was about to happen; he had been prepared for this since the moment he had shot his spell at his parents.

All eyes fixed in on Sirius, as the echo of his mother’s voice filled the hall. The sound was so ear-piercing, even the professor flinched. But still, Sirius stared into her eyes, daring her to say something sympathetic, something that implied she knew what he was going through. She didn’t take the bait. As the sinister silence settles in the hall, Sirius finally broke eye contact and started piling his plate high with food, indifferently. He ignored the stares from the other students, and the worried brown eyes of the boy sat next to him. He didn’t want their pity, he didn’t want their apologies, he didn’t want anything from anyone at that moment in time.

“You can send my mother an owl if you like, Professor, but I doubt she’ll read it,” Sirius said imperturbably.

Sirius felt her stiffen beside him. Sirius could feel the unsettle in her posture, but he was glad she didn’t show it as she spoke.

“Very well, Sirius,” She said with a curt nod, “Just…try to keep out of trouble, will you?

Once she had returned to the other end of the hall, Sirius continued eating his breakfast as if nothing was out of the ordinary. The soundless hall slowly started to come back to life, but still, Sirius remained mute. The churning in his stomach had stopped, but the tugging on his heart stayed as prominent as ever. All he could think about was Reggie, all alone, until he remembered- Reggie was safe, as long as Sirius wasn’t around. With Sirius gone, his brother would be out of harm’s way. Sirius couldn’t save regulus from his house, because the moment Sirius walked out with Regulus, would be the moment Regulus was put in unavoidable danger.

Sirius blinked, just once, trapping that thought in the very depth of his mind. It was Christmas eve, he wasn’t going to ruin it for Remus, or himself. He shyly glanced up at his friend for less than a second, expecting him also to be engulfing plate after plate of food. However, to Sirius' surprise, he found a pair of chocolate eyes, shining like the moon, peering at him. This time, it wasn’t a look of condolence that twinkled in them, but a look of admiration. Sirius had never felt braver in his entire life; he was on top of the world.

……….

Sirius didn’t have one happy memory of Christmas at all. Every year, it ended in Sirius hating himself and all of his family. Actually, he might go so far as to say Christmas day was his least favourite day of the year, and so when Sirius woke up to the sound of wrapping paper, and a curly-haired boy sat opposite him, Sirius was elated. This was going to be the best Christmas he had ever had.

“Merry Christmas,” Sirius said to Remus, yawning slightly as he sat up in bed.

Sirius could see a present from James and another one from Peter. As much as he had secretly longed for one from his brother, he had accepted that there wouldn’t. If his parents hadn’t gotten him anything, then there was no way they were going to let Regulus get him a gift either.

“Merry Christmas,” Remus replied with a grin.

On his bed sat a packet of nuts, and orange, a tin of biscuits, a set of gob stones, and a box of chocolate frogs. Sirius wondered where the bits of food had come from but didn’t question him in fear of starting an unnecessary argument. Following suit, Sirius also tore open his gifts. He had also received some chocolate frogs from Peter, along with an annual to his favourite quidditch team, the South End Scorchers.

“I didn’t get anyone presents,” Remus confessed, sounding ashamed, “I didn’t know they would…“

Getting the feeling Remus was starting to become uncomfortable, Sirius said, “Don’t worry about it, no one expected you to.”

Then, Sirius made his way to the bathroom, needing to clear his head. Free from his friend’s watchful eye for just a moment, Sirius leaned back against the wall. In a moment of weakness, Sirius imagined Regulus waking up to a deathly silent room. Sirius had always snook into his brother's room at the crack of dawn so that they were together to go downstairs to greet their whole family. Regulus wouldn’t have anyone that year.

The hoot of an owl woke Sirius up from his trance, and he rushed to open the bathroom door. At the sight of the flat package that had been dropped on his bed, Sirius’ eyes widened. He knew exactly who it was from, and what it was.

Ripping it open, Sirius flipped the record in his hand, trying to read the tracklist on the back. The record was ‘Electric Warrior’ by a band called T-Rex. Remus had heard of them, but Sirius was completely in the blue.

More fixated on the cover and the music itself, Remus impatiently urger Sirius to play it. Sirius carefully slide the polished record from its pitch-black sleeve and placed it onto the turntable. In an instant, the music filled the room. They were simultaneously transfixed by the sound. Neither boy spoke a word until they had listened to both sides of the record, and then started again. They were utterly consumed with awe.

……….

_The throne of time_

_Is a kingly thing_

_From whence you know_

_We all do begin_

_And dressed as you are a girl_

_In your fashions of fate_

_Baby it’s too late_

“Okay, I give up!” Sirius exclaimed, “I’ve played you ten times, and I still haven’t won a single game! It’s not fair!”

“Oh, stop your winging Black. You’re just annoyed that the boy who can’t even read is better than you at something,” Remus said smugly, sticking his tongue out at Sirius.

Sirius was finding it hard to contain his excitement. He had been trying to keep the spell he had found a secret. He didn’t want to give it to Remus on Christmas day for two reasons; one, he still wasn’t one hundred percent sure it actually worked, and two, he didn’t want Remus to feel worse than he already did about not getting him a present.

“The fact that you can’t read has nothing to do with it,” Sirius answered smoothly, “It’s more the fact that anyone, in general, has beaten me, which I can’t seem to comprehend.”

“You are so stuck up, jeez,” Remus laughed, throwing a handful of nuts Sirius’ way.

Sirius caught a couple of them effortlessly in his mouth, grinning as Remus’ jaw dropped.

“No need for a round of applause. I am fully aware of my star quality,” Sirius played, tossing his hair back and standing up to take a bow, “Pun intended.”

Remus only groaned.

“It’s okay mate, you can laugh,” Sirius grinned, sitting down again.

“My laughter is saved for people who make actually witty jokes,” Remus drawled sarcastically.

“Harsh, Lupin, harsh indeed,” Sirius said, nodding his head solemnly.

“That’s me,” Remus replied with a smirk.

Both boys were silent for a long time then. Their record had finished a while ago, and the room was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Sirius hadn’t thought about his family since that morning; he hadn’t had to, he had everything he needed right in front of him. Even then, lost in the rush of his own thoughts, Sirius’ mind was not led astray by memories or worries of his brother. He was happy. It was his least favourite day of the year, and yet he was smiling. All it took was a brown-eyed boy and a record. Those two things were all he would ever need.

“Remus?” Sirius asked after a long while.

“Yeah?” The boy replied, also snapping back to the present and away from his daydream.

“Wanna see who can eat all of their chocolate frogs the fastest?”

There was a pause, in which Remus looked a Sirius with a look of amazement as if he couldn’t believe Sirius had ever asked that. Then, there was a grin.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Monolith' by T.Rex.


	19. First year- The Werewolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> First of all, I wanted to apologise. I've recently been reminded (thank you to whoever told me) that you can't actually see the shrieking shack from Hogwarts, and so all chapters mentioning it have now been edited to fit with that do not worry. And also, I have finally downloaded Grammarly and so there won't be any stupid spelling or grammar mistakes anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Nothing too big but please be conscious that Sirius thinks back to the negative thought he had in a previous chapter.

26th December 1971

_Is it wrong to understand_

_The fear that dwells inside a man_

_What’s it like to be a loon_

_I liken it to a balloon_

Remus had been acting strange all day, and Sirius couldn’t quite seem to put his finger on why. They had been wandering the halls all day trying to think of a way to get back at the Slytherins for the prank they had pulled before the holidays. James had left Remus with the task of researching any possible revenge strategies, but so far, he had come up with naught. Sirius then took it upon himself to help.

Unlike the other students who had not gone home for the holidays who spent Boxing day huddled in common rooms in front of fires, eating chocolate and playing games, Sirius and Remus spent it in the library. They hadn’t found anything useful to help them with their prank, but Sirius had found something even more disheartening. The spell he had planned to gift to Remus on that very day, wasn’t working. Well, actually, it was working far too well. When Sirius cast the spell, the book read to him in his head, but it would not stop. The voice rang out in his mind long after he had closed the book. He cursed himself for not realising it sooner; he had been so close.

“What’s up?” Remus asked.

Realising he was frowning, Sirius whispered ‘finite incantatem,’ to stop the voice in his head, under his breath and turned to face his friend.

“Nothing,” Sirius replied with a smile, “Just can’t find anything worth our time.”

“Neither,” Remus agreed, “This is a waste.”

“It won’t be when Snape gets what’s coming to him.”

“And the rest of the Slytherins?”

“Honestly, I don’t give one about the rest of them. All I care about is getting back at Snape.”

“I agree. We needn’t bother with everyone else.”

“Who knew having a nemesis would be so exhilarating,” Sirius smirked.

“Not sure exhilarating is the right word Sirius, but whatever you say,” Remus said with a quirked eyebrow.

“Don’t lie to me Lupin, I can see right through you. You’re just as excited as I am,” Sirius replied, narrowing his eyes.

“Not excited, just interested,” Remus shrugged.

“You’re a strange one, Lupin,” Sirius laughed.

“Yep,” Remus said shortly, “I’m going back to the common room. You coming?”

Not wanting to rise suspicion, Sirius followed Remus back along the dark corridors, making a promise to himself that he would make time to fix the spell before the new year. He couldn’t let Remus down.

……….

28th December 1971

Sirius had never been one for eating when he was excited, and so just sat next to Remus bouncing his leg in anticipation. The night before, Sirius and Remus had sat in front of the blazing fire, thinking up ideas, and then tossing them down the drain. Nothing they could think of would even begin to be enough revenge on Snape. That was, at least, until Remus had lit a spark in Sirius’ mind. (“A good wash! That’s what we’ll do!” Sirius had declared).

Remus was the exact opposite. He ate like he hadn’t in weeks, shoveling food into his mouth, forkful after forkful. The other boys had grown used to Remus’ humongous appetite by now, and so Sirius sat patiently, waiting for his friend to finish every last thing on his plate.

“So wait, explain it again. It sounds complicated,” Remus said in a hushed voice as he finished his last roast potato.

Explaining to Remus that it would be like the spell that enchanted the ceiling of the great hall, but on a much smaller scale, Sirius assured him that it would be a lot easier than it sounded.

Remus still didn’t sound convinced.

“But…couldn’t he just step away from it?” Remus asked, knitting his eyebrows together.

“Not if we combine it with a binding spell!” Insisted Sirius, wafting his hand.

“But…we can’t mix spells yet. Well, I can’t. Can you?” Remus asked, eyes glimmering with admiration.

Sirius felt his face grow warm with pride. Rushing to explain that he could in fact combine spells, he let slip that he had used it in the spell for Remus’ reading. Suddenly, Sirius didn’t feel so proud of himself anymore. He still hadn’t gotten any closer to climbing the obstacle he had encountered the day before. Consequently, he started to worry. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the look of disappointment Remus would uptake if he didn’t manage to fix it.

It wasn’t until the boys were back in their dorm room, trying to conjure a rain cloud, that Sirius had his light bulb moment.

“Wait, read it to me again,” Remus said, biting his lip in deep concentration.

“Down, anti-clockwise half a turn, clockwise flick,” Sirius recited.

Remus brought his thumb and index finger up to the bridge of his nose and exhaled deeply.

“This isn’t going to work Sirius,” He groaned, a hint of desperation and disappointment in his voice.

Jumping up from his spot on the floor, Sirius stalked over to Remus, determination written all over his face.

“Don’t say that,” He insisted sternly, “We’ve got this. Between the two of us, we can make this work. Try again.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but Sirius caught the smile that tugged on his lips. Lifting his wand, Remus rolled back his shoulder, and gracefully danced his wand in the air, speaking the incantation forcefully, but sounding as though he was very relaxed. Sirius was awestruck at the sheer elegance in which Remus performed his spells. He would never have expected this from the boy who had stuck his tongue out at him four months ago on the train station.

A trickle of a cloud escaped the tip of his wand, pouring out until it formed a pool of smoke between them. The boys locked eyes as it popped, sprinkling them both in a feeble shower of water. Slowly, Sirius’ mouth opened wide, caught somewhere between a smile and a look of astonishment. Remus mirrored his expression flawlessly. They had done it.

……….

31st December 1971

“I’m sorry Sirius but I really do have to go- I feel terrible!” Remus complained.

“We’ve basically got it now, though,” Sirius countered, indicating to the nearly flooded bathroom.

“Find something else to do then. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Remus hissed, storming out of the room.

“How’d you know she’ll keep you overni-“

The door slammed in his face. Sirius ran to the door, ready to chase after him, but something stopped him. Something told him to let Remus go where he needed to go. Sirius knew he wasn’t really ill, but if that’s what Remus wanted him to believe, then he would just have to go along with it. Forcing himself to sit down again, Sirius decided to get to work fixing Remus’ spell. It _was_ the final day of the deadline he had set himself, after all.

He’d had the idea a few days before whilst he and Remus were practicing their spell for Snape.

“And the binding spell means that it won’t stop like, ever?” Remus had questioned him as he produced his whisp of cloud.

“Not exactly, it just means that it’ll keep going until someone does something to indicate the end of the spell,” Sirius said, fabricating his own grey cloud alongside Remus’.

“So, like, the counterspell?”

“Yes, or if Snape or one of us insinuates that the spell is over. For example…Oh Merlin!”

Sirius darted for the door, his rain cloud trailing after him.

“Sirius! You’re cloud!” Remus yelled.

Knowing that the spell would die down soon anyway without his full concentration, Sirius had ignored Remus and sprinted all the way to the Library. He ignored any calls from his professors, and any questioning looks from the other students. Sure enough, once Sirius was sitting in the library, book open in front of him, the cloud had dispersed, leaving only a trail of water running down the hallway.

He’d only gotten halfway through the first page when Remus came crashing through the door.

“Black,” He panted, “You absolute tosser. What the bloody hell do you think you’re doing?! Professor McGonagall is on her way right now!”

“Crap,” Sirius cursed.

“Yes, crap! Come with me now!”

As a result, Sirius hadn’t had a chance to add the binding spell to the one he had already created. It was his hope, that in adding this spell to the inside of the book, once Remus closed it, the book would stop reading to him. He pulled out the book on binding spells and his wand and got to work.

His concentration was broken when he heard voices outside of his window. The sound was muffled, so Sirius couldn’t quite make out what they were talking about, but he thought he could hear a child? And an adult? No, two adults. Yes, a child and two adults.

Leaping up, Sirius rushed to the window, somewhat drawn to the voices outside. Sure enough, there were three figures; one much smaller than the other two, and they were walking towards the threatening tree that Sirius had been so caught up on since arriving at Hogwarts.

_So it does have a use?_

Narrowing his eyes, Sirius peered closer at the smaller of the silhouettes. There was something strangely familiar about the way they were walking- hunched and dragging their feet slightly. It reminded Sirius of-

 _No. Don’t be ridiculous,_ Sirius told himself sternly.

It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. It was stupid of him to even think that. He wouldn’t lie to Sirius about something this big.

But then-

_Stop!_

Rubbing his eyes, Sirius turned away from the window. He was just tired, just imagining things. There was no way that that figure was-

_Don’t even say it!_

Sirius slowly sat back down again, back leaning against the end of his bed. But if it was Remus, then what was he-

_It’s not Remus!_

The very moment his hands reached for his book again, he heard it.

The scream. He knew that scream. Well, not the _scream_ in particular, but he certainly knew the person it was coming from.

His lip quivered; just once.

 _Go to sleep, this is absurd,_ he scolded himself.

But he couldn’t move. The broken fragments of the full moon shone through his window. The horrible, horrible white light of the full moon. The terrifying light of the full moon that was illuminating the dreaded look upon his face.

Then, the howling started. The howling that sent shivers down his spine, and caused his bones to start rattling. He pushed his hands hard against the sides of his face, curling up as small as he possibly could. But it was no use. The gut-wrenching howls twisted their way into his ears, again, and again, and again.

_Please don’t be true, please don’t be real._

He couldn’t take it any longer. He jumped up and ran to his astronomy textbook. Forcing himself to look, he flicked to the chapter on moon phases.

He wished he hadn’t. He really, really wished he hadn’t.

His knees buckled beneath him. He couldn’t breathe. Sure enough, every full moon was around the time Remus had vanished mysteriously each month. He hugged his legs into his chest, rocking slowly back and forth.

He had known the moment he saw the figure. He had told himself it wasn’t, but he had known exactly who it was. And now he knew exactly why he was out there.

Out there all alone.

He felt a sudden rush hit him, hard in the face, as if he had run straight into a brick wall. It was a rush of anger. Anger at whoever had caused Remus all this agony. Anger at himself for sitting in his room like a coward. Anger at everyone and everything. Anger at the world.

That was his friend down there! That was his friend in pain! That was his friend being tormented, and he was entirely powerless to do anything to help him.

For a moment, Sirius considered locking himself in the bathroom, and crying until his friend returned to him, safe and sound; but what use was that.

_Do something, you idiot!_

Sirius didn’t know what to do.

_Move and go help!_

Sirius couldn’t move.

More howling.

He slammed his fist into the ground in frustration. With every ounce of his being, Sirius finally understood- he understood why Remus couldn’t tell them where he was every time he disappeared, why Remus was so secretive all the time, why Remus had so many scars.

_Oh Shit! The scars! Those goddam awful scars!_

How could he have not realised! How had he been so stupid!

Lifting his hands to his mouth, Sirius tried to calm his breathing. Siting and waiting wasn’t going to help anyone.

_In, out, in, out._

He focused his attention on the steady rise and fall of his chest.

But his mind was a scrambled mess of uncurled reels of thoughts. The world was spinning out from beneath him. Everything was knotted together, and Sirius had no way of untangling any of it.

For a split second, his eyes flickered to his wand.

_No, think about what James would say? How can you think of yourself at a time like this?_

He twitched his head to the side, scrunching his face to rid himself of such excruciating thoughts. Unfortunately, this only brought his mind back to his friend's harrowing howls.

He shivered; the air suddenly very tight around his chest. He had to think.

 _Remus is fine, he’s done it before. Remus is fine, he’s done it before,_ Sirius chanted to himself over and over until finally (after what had felt like a lifetime) he stopped shaking so fiercely.

He blew out a long breath and rested his head back against the frame of his bed. He stayed very still for a moment, letting the thunderous silence still all around him.

Then, he clicked his knuckles, rolled his shoulders back, glanced at Remus’ empty bed, and picked up his book. There was no way in hell Remus was waking up without his present after what Sirius had just learned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Cosmic Dancer' by T.Rex.


	20. First year- Lectiuncula Magna

1st January 1972

_Little darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter_

_Little darling, it feels like years since it’s been here_

_Here comes the sun_

_Here comes the sun and I say_

_It’s all right_

Sirius was up as soon as the first inkling of sunlight broke through his window. As soon as he opened his eyes, he wanted desperately to close them again, lie back down, and sleep for eternity; but he had something to do. Glancing in the mirror, Sirius became aware of the dark circles hugging his crystal eyes, but still, his smile did not falter. He wasn’t sure what time it was in the early morning that he had eventually fallen asleep, but it didn’t matter; he had finished the spell.

Rushing for time, Sirius pulled on his robes, sending his mop of black hair into a mess on top of his head. For the first time in his life, Sirius didn’t lift a finger to try and fix it. Instead, he rushed to grab Remus’ book from underneath his friend’s bed. Much to Sirius’ surprise, the books were not cloaked in dust but rather stacked neatly in piles. He assumed that this was because Remus had his books out just as much as the other boys, even if he _was_ just pretending to read them. At the thought, Sirius felt a tug at his heart.

 _It doesn’t matter anymore,_ he reassured himself, _he’ll be able to read soon._

Sirius grabbed ‘A History of Magic’ and shot back across the room to his own bed. Grabbing his quill, he wrote the words,

‘Happy Christmas,

Now you can do your own bloody homework.

From your fellow marauder and friend,

Sirius Black.’

As he went to grab his wand, his hand brushed a piece of old, crinkled parchment. He frowned for a moment before the realisation hit. He had been so busy, that he had forgotten all about his list.

He curled his finger around it opened it in front of him. Letting out a sigh of relief, he crossed off the last thing on his list, ripped it up, and tossed it in the bin. Finally, he had completed the task he had set out to do the moment he set eyes on Remus months before; he knew Remus’ secret. And it was a bloody big secret. A bloody big secret that Sirius had every intention of keeping.

Sirius understood more than anyone what it was like to have a secret that you couldn’t bear the thought of anyone knowing. Remus’ secret came with more weight than the whole word itself, and Sirius wanted to help him carry it, not add the weight of the sky as well. To do this, Sirius had to keep his mouth shut. Despite desperately wanting to bombard Remus with questions about it- after all, it only made him even more mysterious and stimulating than before- Sirius knew he couldn’t. Remus would never forgive him if he did.

Sirius was fascinated by the whole situation. He wasn’t sure why, but every time he thought of Remus as a werewolf, his stomach fluttered. He felt as though Remus was the most captivating person he had ever come across. Sirius couldn’t stop thinking about him; about the wolf. But, in spite of these feeling, he was also deeply concerned for his friend. He’d tried to force the feelings away, but he still heard the ghosts of the wolf’s howls, echoing in his mind. He wasn’t sure they would ever leave. He thought he would probably always be haunted by them in one way or another. Yet for some reason, that idea didn’t scare Sirius at all. Truth be told, he felt utterly consumed by the concept in the best way possible.

And so, it was decided: he had to make things as easy as possible for Remus. He had to put his own infatuation aside. That much he could do. For Remus, he would do anything. Pushing his curiosity down, he ran to the hospital wing, wearing a smile wide with blithe.

When he arrived, he was stopped abruptly by Madam Pomfrey.

“Hold on young man,” She said with a slight chuckle, “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I need to see Remus,” Sirius said, trying to move around her.

She stepped in front of him again.

“I’m afraid I can’t let you, he’s rather ill,” She peered down at him.

“Please, I’m his best friend and I’m worried. I swear I won’t be long I just really need to give him this,” He pleased, showing her the book in his hand.

“Remus is in no position to be reading right now.. um…”

“Sirius, Sirius Black,” He informed her, “He won’t be reading it I promise, just let me have five minutes. After the night he’s had it’ll be a wonderful surprise, I swear.”

Madame Pomfrey narrowed her eyes, trying to decide what Sirius meant by that. After a moment, she raised her eyebrows and stepped aside, signaling to the bed on the far side of the room.

“Five minutes only,” She said firmly before walking back into her office.

Sirius grinned and ran over to the bed.

Remus lay still, eyes closed, breathing softly. Sirius stood, motionless, eyes fixed on him. He looked so peaceful that Sirius considered turning right back around and leaving him asleep. Before he had the chance to act, Remus stirred.

Rubbing his palm against his forehead, Remus pushed his curls out of his face and blinked a few times, adjusting his eyes to the light. Eyes still half-closed, Remus tried to reach for his glass of water. Sirius reached forward to pass it to him, not wanting Remus to knock it over. Remus took it gratefully and downed it all in two deep chugs as Sirius sat down on a wooden stool beside the bed. Then, Remus looked up.

“Sirius!” He almost yelled, clearly hurting his throat in the process.

“Happy new year. Thought I’d come looking when you weren’t at breakfast,” Sirius lied, “You all right?”

“Fine. I um…I get migraines sometimes. I’m feeling better,” Remus answered, struggling to sit up.

It was clearly as much as a lie as Sirius’ excuse; Remus looked awful. Still, he wasn’t about to call Remus out on it.

“Good, because I’ve got your Christmas present ready,” Sirius said grinning.

Remus frowned at him profoundly.

“My…what?”

“Sorry it’s late,” Sirius said hurriedly, starting to worry that Remus wouldn’t be as thrilled as he had hoped, “I had a few last-minute tweaks to make. Here.”

Sirius thrust the book out in front of him, and Remus took it, though still look at Sirius suspiciously. Excitement pulsing through his veins, Sirius couldn’t wait any longer and force Remus to open the book. Remus looked hurt as he reminded Sirius that he couldn’t actually read, but Sirius interrupted him, not wanting Remus to feel anything other than pure joy. Sirius told him where to place his hand on the page and lifted his wand to Remus’ temple, slowly as not to startle him. Sirius’ attempt to keep him calm didn’t work. He jerked his head back away from the tip of Sirius’ wand.

“Trust me!” Sirius urged him, staring deep into Remus’ eyes.

Sirius licked his lips and furrowed his brows, concentrating hard. He’d only managed to get the spell to work once before he fell asleep last night. Sirius inhaled deeply focusing his mind on the task at hand. He saw Remus squeeze his eyes shut in fear, which only made Sirius more determined.

“Lectiuncula Magna!” He pronounced perfectly.

Remus flinched slightly and Sirius was suddenly worried he had hurt him, but then Remus opened his eyes, locking them with Sirius’.

_Fuck yes!_

Sirius jiggled his legs on the spot, refraining himself from jumping up and down with joy. It was hard, but he managed to keep his feet firmly in touch with the ground.

“What was that?” Remus questioned, looking more curious than anxious now.

“Look at the book! Tell me what it says!” Sirius incited, impatient to see if it had worked.

Remus looked sad as he averted his eyes to the book on his lap. Sirius knew it must be hard, but he really needed Remus to see that he could do it, even if Remus didn’t believe it himself.

“Read it!” Sirius encouraged, trying to dial down on the enthusiasm.

“I…”

Remus stopped short.

Sirius’ eyes widened, glistening with anticipation.

All Sirius’ doubts washed away at the sound of Remus’ laugh. Sirius had to lean against the bed to stop himself from collapsing with the assuagement. It had worked.

Still turning page after page of his book, Remus chanted “Oh my God,” over and over, still paralysed with disbelief.

“It worked, then?” Sirius checked just to make sure.

Remus was lost for words, which only made Sirius smile wider.

“Sirius! This is…you!...I can’t…How?!”

“Oh no. Don’t tell me I’ve messed up your brain so much that you can’t even form a coherent sentence?” Sirius teased, laughing.

“Thank you,” Remus whispered.

Sirius could see his eyes starting to glisten in the light. He’s never seen Remus cry before and was sure that Remus wouldn’t want today to be the first. He looked away, letting Remus rub his eyes quickly. Once the rustling of Remus’ shifting awkwardly in his bed had stopped, Sirius faced him again.

“S’ok,” Sirius said gently, “Now you can help me research our next big prank.”

“We haven’t even got the first one off the ground yet,” Remus protested, running his hand across his nose trying to hide his sniffles.

Sirius was trying to keep his composure for the both of them, although he really wanted to just leap forward and throw his arms around his friend’s neck.

“You have to show me how you did this…it’s…I mean, it must be really advanced magic,” Remus interrupted his thoughts.

“Sort of. I got the idea after Mother’s howler, actually. I thought if you can get a letter to scream at someone, then you can get a book to read to someone. Keeping the voice in your head was the hardest part- I couldn’t tell if it was working on me or if I was just reading normally,” Sirius said, “Works on any book, though. I think. Not sure about other stuff yet, like potion labels or signs, but we can keep working on it…”

Realising that Remus was no longer listening, he trailed off. Remus smiled at the book for at least another quarter of an hour, leaving Sirius just sitting and watching him, mirroring his grin. Sirius wasn’t sure who was more elated; Remus or himself. The delight shining through Remus’ eyes told Sirius that he had just given him the best present he could ever be given. He could tell Remus didn’t think he deserved it, and that tore away at Sirius’ heart. Sirius thought Remus deserved the world, and then some. But it was worth every late night in the library, every tease from James about his slowly lowering grades and even the disapproval of his mother’s snarl. Sirius didn’t want the moment to end, he had never been prouder of himself.

“Ready?” Sirius asked as Remus looked up, his own eyes glistening with tears no as well.

Remus beamed at him.

“Ready,” He replied surely.

Remus slid off the bed, and they walked out of the hospital wing (not before Remus had a full inspection from Madame Pomfrey though) grinning without a care in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Here comes the sun' by the Beatles.


	21. First year- The Marauders return

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,  
> Sorry there was not a chapter released yesterday, but I was busy writing the final chapter. I don't really know why but I just had this sudden idea of how I wanted it to end and so I had to write it.  
> Also, I originally planned on writing a chapter a day, but because of going back to college and with my sports training starting again, I'm not going to able to spend ad much time on this as I would like. Obviously, I'll try and get a chapter a day out still, but it's most probably going to be 4 or 5 chapters a week rather than 7 from now on.

2nd January 1972

_I’m stepping through the door_

_And I’m floating in a most peculiar way_

_And the stars look very different today_

_For here_

_Am I sitting in a tin can_

_Far above the world_

_Planet earth is blue_

_And there’s nothing I can do_

“It’s quite simple actually don’t worry,” Sirius explained reassuringly as he sat crossed leg on the edge of Remus’ bed, “You’ll get it in no time.”

“I don’t want to get it in no time!” Remus moaned, “I want to get it now!”

“Well, there’s not much I can do about that Remus, is there. Why don’t you just let me do it for you?” Sirius pleaded.

He could tell Remus was getting annoyed with himself. He had been trying to teach Remus the spell all afternoon, and they weren’t any closer. Sirius didn’t blame him; it had taken him weeks to get it right.

“Because that’s exactly the same as you reading to me, and I hate that!” Remus cried, falling back on the bed.

“It’s not the same thing and you know it! There’s a bit of a difference between me spending hours reading to you, and me uttering one word to you,” Sirius said, crossing his arms.

“But I-“

“If you don’t want me to then fine, but, either you suck it up and let me, or you don’t read. It’s completely up to you, mate,” Sirius said standing up and walking back over to his own bed.

He smirked as he heard Remus groan.

“I bloody hate you, Black,” Remus sighed, sitting up again.

“Because I’m right?” Sirius said, turning back to face him, eyebrow quirked.

“Because you’re a tosser,” Remus replied simply.

“A tosser who fixed your brain.”

“A tosser who got involved in my problems for no reason whatsoever.”

“A tosser who stopped you getting expelled for too many detentions.”

“A tosser who I want to punch in the face right now.”

“A tosser who knows you wouldn’t, because, underneath that façade, you’re very grateful.”

With that, Remus flicked his wand at the curtains around his bed, forcing them to draw shut quickly.

“Love you too, mate,” Sirius laughed.

“Fuck off,” Came the reply.

……….

“Damnit, you two still here then?” James announced scrunching up his nose as he burst through the door of the dorm room, Peter nowhere to be seen.

Grinning, Sirius pushed himself up from his spot on the floor next to Remus and sauntered over to James.

“Now that you’ve decided to return, I don’t think we will be much longer,” Sirius smirked looking up at his best friend.

James raised his eyebrows for a moment before laughing and pulling Sirius into a hug, clapping his back. Sirius hugged him back. He hadn’t realised how much he had missed James. Sure, he had had Remus to himself for nearly two weeks, but Remus wasn’t like James. Sirius couldn’t talk to him about the things he could talk to James about because he would either snap at him or just start to feel uncomfortable and Sirius certainly, most definitely, couldn’t hug Remus - not if he wanted his face to stay unbruised.

“Hey, guys!” Pete called as he finally lugged his trunk through the doorway.

“Hey, Pete!” Remus called from the floor, twisting his body now to face the rest of the boys.

“Alright, mate?” Sirius said, smiling at Peter.

Whilst Sirius hadn’t been the biggest fan of the scrawny little boy he had met on the train, Pete was slowly growing on him; he had come out of his shell. Sirius was finding that Peter would do almost anything he asked him if it meant being included in their fun. Sirius knew he was cruel for taking advantage of it, but he couldn’t help himself; Peter was by far the most loyal of the marauders.

“Yeah, good thanks. You?” Pete asked collapsing on his bed utterly exhausted.

“Never better,” Sirius winked at Remus, sharing a knowing look.

The two boys had decided that as soon as dinner was over, they would give Peter and James a proper showing of their raincloud prank. Sirius had been keen on casting it as soon as James walked through the door and soaking him right then and there. Unfortunately, Remus shut his idea down: fortunately, it was only an hour until dinner.

……….

“Aren’t you going to eat anything, Black?” Remus said, his mouth full of mashed potato and gravy.

“Don’t talk with food in your mouth, Lupin. It makes me sick,” Sirius replied disgustedly.

“Stop being such an oik. Not all of us were brought up where you were,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Maybe not, but anyone can learn,” Sirius replied, “Besides, I’m too excited to eat.”

“Excited?” Peter asked, food still in his mouth also.

Sirius shot a glance at James, who looked just as revolted as him.

“Remus and I have a little surprise for you and James,” Sirius explained, eyes lit with mystery, “Take it was a welcome home gift if you will.”

James turned to him, eyes wide.

“And what would this little gift be then, Black?” He urged, eyebrows raised.

“Ah but my boy, if I told you then it wouldn’t be a surprise would it,” Sirius replied with a slight shrug.

“Don’t worry, James,” Remus laughed, “You’ll find out soon, promise.”

Narrowing his eyes at the two boys, James put two fingers to his eyes, the pointed them at Sirius and Remus.

“I’ve got my eye on you,” He whispered.

Remus and Sirius only stood up, flicked their wrists out in front of them, and bowed to him. James remained unimpressed.

Later, once Remus had finished his fourth plate (Remus had insisted on finishing despite Sirius’ annoyed glances), the boys rushed as quickly as possible back to the dorm room.

“Oi, Pete,” Sirius called from the bathroom, “Pass me that umbrella on my bed, will you?”

“Um, okay?” Peter said slowly, entering the crowded space as well.

“Cheers, mate,” Sirius replied, leaning over Remus to grab it.

The bathroom was quite small, but against all odds, they had all managed to squeeze in- though the door did have to be left open. Sirius was standing in the bath, Remus was sitting on the edge of the tub, James was sitting on the closed toilet seat, and Peter was leaning against the sink. Neither boy was particularly comfortable, but their minds were too preoccupied to care.

Swiftly, Sirius opened the umbrella.

“Ow!” Remus growled, turning to face Sirius, “Watch it, Black.”

“Calm yourself, Lupin. It hardly even touched you,” Sirius smirked, rolling his eyes.

“Right,” James exclaimed, “Enough arguing-“

“We weren’t arguing!” Remus and Sirius but insisted in unison.

“Show us already!” James continued, ignoring the other boys completely.

Remus locked eyes with Sirius for a moment as he stood up. Sirius grinned. He was proud of the work he and Remus had done, but mainly he was proud of Remus. After learning Remus’ secret, Sirius had a newfound respect for his friend. Remus had gone through hell and back and was still smiling the next morning. Sirius was beyond envious, if only he was that brave.

 _Reggie would love him,_ Sirius found himself thinking.

“Ready when you are,” Sirius announced, clearing his mind.

Within moments, there was a swirling storm brewing above Sirius’ head. Rain thrashed down on him, following him as he shuffled up and down in the bathtub.

“Brilliant!” James cried as he slammed his fist onto the cabinet in astoundment.

“You’re so clever!” Burst Peter, gaping at them slightly.

Beaming at Remus, Sirius explained how Remus had given him the idea, and how he had found the charms in all different kinds of books. He nearly let slip about knowing how to combine spells for Remus’ reading but caught himself just in time.

And so, it was decided: the best time to do perform the spell would be at dinner when there would be more of an audience. Everything was set.

……….

3rd January 1972

“Five points to Slytherin for Mr Snape. Highest marks, well done! And also, one point to Gryffindor for the second-highest marks. Good job Miss Evans!” Professor Slughorn beamed down at them.

Sirius frowned at his paper.

_Two points! Two bloody points!_

That was all there was in it. Sirius wasn’t even expecting full marks on this assignment (he had been helping Remus with his and so hadn’t really been fully concentrating on it) but for some reason, today, not even getting second, it really hit a nerve.

“Wonder if it’s worth cosying up to Snivellus just for one measly house point,” He mumbled under his breath, but just loud enough for it to reach Lily and Snape’s ears.

Lilly blushed but snapped back at him, “Shut up, Black. No one likes a sore loser.”

“Hardly losing when your boyfriend lets you copy his work,” Sirius hissed back, voice brimming with jealousy.

“I do _not_ copy off him, and Severus is _not_ my boyfriend!”

“You’re blushing, Evans,” Sirius pushed, elbowing James, “Isn’t that sweet?”

James sniggered.

“Ignore them, Lily,” Snape murmured, trying to turn away from them, “They’re just jealous.”

“Jealous of what, Snivellus,” James bit, “Jealous of a slimy greasy git like you? Keep dreaming.”

Sirius and Peter laughed, glad for a bit of excitement in the most boring lesson. Snape, checking to make sure Slughorn was focused on something else, turned back to Sirius, malice blearing on his face.

“I hear you had a very quiet Christmas, Black,” Snape hissed, “Your family couldn’t stand to have you around for more than a few days before packing you off back to school, is that right? All of the pureblood families are talking about it- the Black’s black sheep.”

At the curl of Snape’s lip, Sirius felt his nostrils flare. He hadn’t lent a single thought to his family since the howler his mother had sent him on Christmas eve, and he wasn’t exactly thrilled to be thinking about them now.

In an instant, all the events of that night came flashing back into his memory, released from their cage in the back of his mind. The ache of his calves, the stains on the floor, the malevolence of his father’s grin, the oblivious eyes of his brother as he came back to the dinner table.

 _Oh Reggie, please be safe!_ He pleaded.

 _But You don’t care anymore, remember?_ He reminded himself.

But it wasn’t true. He wished it was, but he knew it wasn’t. You can’t just stop caring about your family.

“Shut. Your. Face,” Sirius snarled, baring his teeth.

“Yeah, watch it, Snape,” James hissed, “You’d better be careful what you say. Never know what might happen.”

“Is that a threat, Potter,” Snape answered, nearly laughing, “Forgive me if I’m not quaking in my boots. Going to set Loony Lupin on me again?”

At this, Sirius unclenched his fists that he wasn’t even aware he was making; his anger was no longer for himself, but Remus. Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius saw Remus reach for his wand.

“Oh my, have you actually learnt some _magic_ , Lupin?” Snape jeered, “I’m impressed. Mind you, I’ve heard they can train some monkeys to perform basic tricks, so I suppose it’s no real achievement.”

Something was stirring in Sirius’ chest. Something not pleasant, but not entirely unwelcome either. An unfamiliar feeling that he couldn’t quite name. Anger, fear? He wasn’t. All he knew was that he had to protect Remus.

Remus thrust his wand toward Snape, but Sirius reached out just in time.

Grabbing Remus’ wrist, he whispered, “Not yet.”

Remus looked as though he were about to hex Sirius now rather than Snape, but he only bit down on his jaw and turned his attention back to the front.

“We’ll show him later, Lupin. I swear. We’ll get him back,” Sirius promised him, though he was saying it more for his own sake.

He was still seething with vexation, and wasn’t sure how he was supposed to get through the rest of the day without cursing the clammy git every time he laid eyes on him. He only had to get to dinner, only a few more hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Space Oddity' by David Bowie.


	22. First year- Raincloud

“Ligare Pulviam!”

Remus was standing, wand raised. The cloud flew across the room, setting over its target’s head. It rumbled, then released its rain.

Sirius felt a rush of admiration towards his friend as he grinned. Snape was leaning side to side, trying to rid himself of the cloud. It wasn’t working.

As Remus sat back down again, Sirius whispered in his ear, “Yes! Bloody yes, Lupin, you beauty!”

Nearly everyone in the Great Hall was snickering and whispering now, glad to see the nastiest boy in school get what he deserved. Of course, though, no one was laughing as hard as Sirius and James. The whole thing was positively perfect.

That was, until, Sirius glanced up at Remus. Remus wasn’t laughing anymore, but sneering at the boy, dark eyes misting with venom. The rain cloud was growing, darkening and raining harder. No one except Sirius seemed to notice.

Sirius could hear Lily yell something, but his mind was elsewhere. What was happening? In all their practices, Remus had never gotten his cloud this big.

Snape’s hair was dripping, his robes were sticking to his skin, and his eyes were blood red. Raising his hands above his head, unsuccessfully trying to shield himself, he tried to dash. The pool of water at his feet splashed as he kicked it up running. Seconds later, he was on the floor, engulfed in grey clouds, and lightning flashes.

Sirius looked desperately up at Remus, but his eyebrows only furrowed and his mind was lost deeper into concentration.

Sirius gulped. He wasn’t worried for Snape (he had gotten what was coming for him), he was worried for Remus. He was utterly consumed by the power of revenge and rage. Sirius was scared; of Remus or for Remus, he couldn’t decide.

Sirius didn’t know what happened next, he was enthralled by the resentment pulsing through his friend’s shallow eyes. All he knew was that at one particular moment, the thing that had taken over Remus, completely vanished. Life and beauty poured back into his soul, leaving him trembling in his seat.

……….

The room was silent. Neither of the four boys dared to speak. Neither of the four boys even knew what to say. Remus’ face totally blank, James was thinking hard, Peter looked like he was about to be sick, and Sirius was watching Remus.

Though his face showed no emotion, Sirius had begun to see that Remus’ eyes often gave himself away. He looked tired, ashamed, and frightened all at once. Through all the negative emotions though, Sirius could see a glimmer of pride. After all, the plan had worked; if a little too well for the boys’ likings.

Whilst Remus was sitting frozen, James and Peter were much easier to read; both of them blamed Remus.

“What happened?” James asked, trying to mask the fear in his voice, “Did you lose control of it? That was really strong magic.”

“It was amazing!” Sirius cried, seeing the look of guilt on Remus’ face, “He’ll think twice about crossing us again!”

“But…I mean, we didn’t hurt him, did we?” James said, sounding worried.

“He’s fine, he was just pretending, to get us in trouble,” Sirius insisted, eyes trained on Remus still.

He still hadn’t moved an inch.

“Will we get in trouble? We didn’t _all_ do it, did we? It was only-“

Sirius whacked the back of his head.

_How dare he?_

“You rat!” Sirius spat, “We’re marauders. All for one and one for all.”

Peter went to sit on his own bed after that, not wanting to risk getting slapped again.

“Whatever that means,” Peter grumbled.

“I did it, you lot shouldn’t get in trouble,” Remus said finally.

He looked utterly distraught. Sirius couldn’t bear it.

“It was half my idea! I did the research! Don’t worry, Lupin, I bet you anything he’s fine!”

Remus sighed deeply as if someone had pulled the plug on him, draining him down to his last breath. Sirius felt his heartache.

“If he is, then it’s no thanks to me,” He said, tiredly, “I did mean to hurt him.”

A heavy silence enclosed in on the room, as Remus locked eyes with James. James could do nothing but nod; just once. There was nothing else to say. They had taken it too far, and they all knew it.

Sirius was finding it hard to tear his eyes off James’, whose were normally flecked with sparkles of life and joy. Now they were just a void of regret. Regret and disappointment. In fact, Sirius only managed to look away when Frank knocked on their door looking solemn.

Sirius watched Remus lower his head to his hands as Frank told them they were expected at McGonagall’s office.

……….

“We’re going back for him, right?” Sirius asked hurriedly once McGonagall had left them outside the common room.

“Obviously,” James replied, “Relax mate. Come on.”

The boys had managed to lose themselves twenty house points, and earn themselves a whole months’ worth of detention, which to be completely honest, Sirius thought was more then fair after what they had done. To no one’s surprise, Remus had tried to take all the blame, but Sirius had stepped in, letting him off the hook slightly. They had thought they were done, but right at the last moment, Dumbledore had asked to speak to Remus alone, sending him, James, and Peter off with McGonagall. But Sirius had the feeling that even their professor hadn’t expected them to stay put whilst their friend was still in the headmaster’s office.

“What do you think this about then?” Pete asked, frowning, once they were back along the corridor and standing outside the office again.

Sirius twitched his neck slightly, loosening his tie. The air suddenly felt very warm around him thinking about Remus all alone in there- especially since he learned that Remus was a…a…a werewolf. He couldn’t even bring himself to think the word. At least not without seeing visions- spiraling snakes of ominous silver light. Or hearing the menacing cries of his best friend in agony. Every single time the word slithered its way back inside his mind, he relived the pain all over again, and again, and again, until he saw the walls tip and the portraits blur.

“Sirius?” Peter asked, “Sirius, what’s wrong?”

Rubbing his eyes with his fists, and the world slowly found its axis again.

“Oh, um, nothing, I just,” Sirius stuttered, running a hand quickly through his hair, “Yeah, no, I’m all good. Nothings wrong. Just wondering what’s going on in there.”

“Me too, mate,” James said, frowning at the door, “You don’t think he’s going to get a worse punishment than us, do you?”

“I mean, I can’t think of any other reason why he would be in there, can you?” Peter answered, scratching the back on his head.

“No!” Sirius burst out a little too forcefully.

James and Peter shared a quizzical look, both looking slightly suspicious of Sirius’ unexpected outburst. Thankfully, before either of them had the chance to question Sirius, the door creaked open, and out walked Remus. Sirius was next to him in less than a second.

“Everything okay?!” He asked, eyes wide.

Remus laughed softly, “Everything’s fine, Black. You worry too much.”

……….

_We come from the land of ice and snow_

_From the midnight sun where the hot springs flow_

_The hammer of the gods_

_Will drive our ships to new lands_

Each boy was tasked with a different detention job, all of which forbode using magic (except James who had to use magic to transfigure telescopes), much to everyone’s dismay. Sirius was stuck with scrubbing cauldrons which in his opinion was the worst task. All three of the other boys, though, were inclined to disagree and insisted that their detentions were much more horrible.

Without spending all of his time in the library researching spell for Remus, Sirius’ grades started to improve once more. He still didn’t try his best, but he didn’t need to- he knew he was smart enough without doing any of the extra work. Plus, he couldn’t be too good, or else his parents might actually be happy.

Remus had managed to finally learn to perform his reading spell on himself, and most nights would draw the curtains around his bed much earlier than the other boys and read late into the night. Sirius would stay up with until Remus’ light went out, just to make sure he was okay. Sirius was thrilled that he had been able to give that to his friend, but he was starting to worry; the books he was reading were slightly disturbing. They were all about Werewolves. Or more specifically, the monster that is a werewolf. On many occasions, Sirius noticed Remus drifting off in class, suddenly turning pale or his hands starting to tremble. The books Remus were reading were starting to get to him. Sirius couldn’t blame him. He had read books just like them and they were horrifying: sadistic actually. But what could he do? Remus didn’t know that Sirius was aware of his situation? Sirius just had to let him be.

On top of this, Remus had started avoiding the other Marauders where it was possible. Sirius, James, and Peter all talked about it regularly, but none of them thought it best to bring it up to their friend. They had decided he would come back to them when he was ready, just as he always did.

Every night, Sirius would clamber into James’ bed, and they would plan all sorts of different pranks they would pull. They had fashioned a whole list, but the boys thought it wouldn’t be the same without their number one prankster with them. Despite this, every now and again, James and Sirius would wake Pete up, and go and wreak some havoc- never before trying to wake up Remus though. After the incident with Snape, the boys stuck to petty little pranks, like making the floors extra slippery or freezing all of the portraits so they didn’t move anymore. They all missed Remus horrendously, but no matter what they tried, he was always too far out of reach from them.

Apart from Remus’ gradual drifting, January managed to pass without too much inference. That was until Sirius remembered the full moon.

Walking back from dinner, Sirius noticed Remus slip away before they reached the common room. He opened his mouth to call him back when he remembered: tonight was a full moon. Remus had been disappearing so regularly lately, that Sirius knew the boys wouldn’t even notice until it got much, much later into the night.

The fire was blazing in the dimly lit common room and the boys dumped themselves onto the sofa right in front of it; their usual space. Consciously, Sirius sat with his back to the windows, he didn’t want to have to see the moon.

Luckily, half an hour later, James decided they should go upstairs into their room. It was getting late, but the moon still wasn’t up. James was the first to notice that Remus still hadn’t returned.

“Bloody hell!” James gasped, “He’s only gone and done it again! How does he always manage to get away from us? I know he’s been doing it a lot lately, but he should be here by now! This is one of those times when he leaves and doesn’t come back all night, isn’t it?”

“Merlin knows, mate,” Sirius sighed.

He had to play it cool.

“Are we going looking for him this time?” Peter chirped.

“No,” Sirius replied smoothly, “He’ll be back tomorrow, just like he is every other time.”

“That’s most unlike you, Sirius,” James frowned, “Normally it’s me trying to convince _you_ of that.”

“Well, what can I say. Worrying did nothing, did it? I’m not nervous for him anymore, he clearly knows what he’s doing, doesn’t he?” Sirius replied with a shrug.

Thank Godrick, Sirius was a good liar. His insides were bubbling, knotting, churning over and over.

“You’re right,” James decided, “I just hope this doesn’t go on forever. It’s not the same without him.”

Sirius and Pete nodded their heads in agreement.

 _You have no idea,_ Sirius thought to himself. He had taken Remus’ distance a lot harder than he would like to admit. He felt weird with Remus by his side, like someone had pushed him out to sea without a rope, or any means of getting back to land. He didn’t like the feeling.

Peter suggested tyring to see who could levitate the most objects at one time, but Sirius wanted to be alone when the howling started. He told the boys he was too tired and, without waiting for a response, drew his curtains and cast a silencing spell.

He waited. The clock ticked. Slower and slower and louder and louder. Cold pulsed through his veins. The other boys were laughing, but Sirius couldn’t hear. His mind was not on this planet anymore. Sirius couldn’t see the window, he couldn’t see the moon, but he knew when it rose. He felt it deep in his gut like some had turned his insides upside down. He choked a little, but squeezed his eyes shut, preparing himself for the worst.

He didn’t hear the howls at first. They were too quiet: unnervingly quiet. Sirius didn’t understand. Last time they were so loud, so cruel, so merciless. Why? His brain had magnified the torture. His brain had increased the pain, as it always had. His brain was his worst enemy. Last time it was an illusion. It wasn't real. Now, the howls were hushed, secret almost. As if they were just for him, and him only. 

Sirius found he was no longer quivering, or breathing quickly. His heartbeat had slowed, and his eyes weren’t shut anymore. He was at peace. He was torn apart with despair, but he was still.

What was the moon anyway? It didn’t hold its own power. It stole the sun’s light and still didn’t shine as vividly. The moon was a coward. The moon was a deep silver, but the sun was an even deeper gold. The moon only reflected someone else’s light, just as a mirror only shows you the outside. It can never see inside. The moon was nothing. And it had nothing on him or Remus. His Mystery boy was brave. His Mystery boy was going to be okay. He always was. And Sirius wouldn't be scared of the ghost of the sun ever again. No matter how much it haunted him. Or at least, that’s what he told himself. He had to.

Without giving himself time to think about Remus, and the wolf, Sirius did the only thing he knew how to do. He picked up his quill and a spare bit of parchment, and he wrote. He didn’t sleep, he just wrote, until the moon was gone, and the sun was up. He wrote until he knew Remus was safe. Because when Remus was safe, he was safe also,

He wrote a story, about a brave little boy, whose biggest fear was himself; the monster that buried itself inside of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Immigrant song' by Led Zeppelin.  
> 


	23. First year- Mystery boy comes back

10th February

_Eight miles high when you touch down_

_You’ll find that it’s stranger than known_

_Signs in the street that say where you’re going_

_Are somewhere just being on their own_

“Pete, move!”

“Piss off, Black, I’m behind you! Yell at James!”

“James, move!”

“Would you both shut up please?!”

“Would you both maybe consider telling me what you’ve dragged me out of bed for this time? Please tell me it’s better than locking all the classroom doors,” Peter whispered, “That was pointless.”

“Stop moaning, Pettigrew,” Sirius hissed, “It was your choice to be here.”

“It most certainly was not my choice,” Peter exclaimed, “You said that either I come, or I sleep in the bathtub for a week.”

“Yes exactly,” James said, “You had options.”

“Well, are you going to tell me or not?”

“We’re going to change all the teachers in pots to invisible ink so that when they write, they can’t see anything,” Sirius explained.

“Guys, that’s rubbish! What’s happened to you two? You used to come up with the best pranks!”

“Up yours, Pettigrew!” Sirius shot back, “Don’t see you coming up with anything?”

“Ever considered that that’s because I don’t want to be here?”

“Both of you shut your pie holes,” James snapped, “Once Lupin’s back, our pranks will be top-notch again.”

“Oh, so you admit that Remus is the one who comes up with the best pranks then?” Pete smirked.

“I swear to Godrick, Pete, I will curse you into tomorrow if you don’t stop insulting us,” Sirius said fiercely.

“All right, calm yourself, Black,” Peter rolled his eyes, “I was only joking.”

“ _I_ wasn’t,” Sirius muttered.

……….

11th February 1972

After dinner the next day, Remus ran off to the library, Peter went straight to the common room to have a game of chess with some second years, and Sirius and James made their way upstairs.

“Oi, Potter,” Sirius said, “Guess what?”

“That’s a very vague statement, Black.”

“Alright then, be like that,” Sirius scoffed, “I’ve been doing some research, and I’ve found the best thing to help us with our pranks.”

“Is it another Remus, because I think that’s probably the only thing that will help us right now.”

“Nope. It’s secret doorways.”

“And where, may I ask, did you learn this?”

“I read it in my history book a while ago, but I didn’t think anything of it until I heard some of the Ravenclaws talking about it. And then I remembered the one that Remus found a while ago, and I thought, there’s bound to be more.”

“Please tell me you don’t want to go looking for these secret doors?”

“Oh, you know me too well, Potter. So, tonight?”

“Tonight,” James said grinning wildly.

The invisible ink prank had been a complete failure in every class except for history. All the teachers apart from Professor Binns were able to turn the ink back in less than three seconds, and so the boys were pretty down. They hadn’t thought it would be anything special, but they had expected at least a five-minute distraction.

Back in the dorm room, Sirius was greeted by a dark brown owl on their windowsill; it was his brother’s owl.

“No bloody way!” He exclaimed, his mood instantly rising.

“Is that…” James looked just as amazed as Sirius.

“How the hell did he manage to pull that off then?” Sirius laughed as he untied the letter from the owl’s leg.

“No clue,” James replied, shaking his head in disbelief.

Sirius hadn’t told James the full story of what had happened at Christmas last December- he didn’t want to worry him, and also, only Remus knew about his scars. All James knew was that he had run away and gone back to Hogwarts; he had told James that much in a letter consisting of one line that he sent to the Potter’s house as soon as he arrived back.

“Um…do you want me to leave?” James asked, awkwardly shuffling on the spot.

“Don’t be stupid, mate,” Sirius smiled, “Can’t have you downstairs alone with Pete and a chessboard, can we?”

In reality, Sirius didn’t trust himself to hold the tears in if James wasn’t there. Sirius had strained himself not to think about Regulus at all since he got back, but it was so much harder than he could ever have imagined. In one way or another, everything somehow circled back to his brother. Missing his brother, worried for his brother, feeling guilty for leaving his brother: it was just one huge orbit around Regulus, and Sirius couldn’t stop it spinning.

“Black! Hello? Sirius!”

Sirius blinked a few times, trying to focus on his surroundings.

“Merlin! Gone deaf?”

“Hm?” He asked, “What do you mean?”

“You’ve been standing there with that letter in you’re hand for the last ten minutes, mate. Are you gonna open it, or not?” James tried to laugh, but Sirius heard the unease in his voice.

“Oh right, um, yeah sorry, was just thinking about something,” Sirius replied, wiping the sweat off his forehead with the back of his hand.

“That’s alright, mate, take your time,” James said with a smile of encouragement.

Biting his lip, Sirius turned the letter over and over in his hand, dragging his finger across the edges., across the seal, across the cursive letter- doing anything and everything but opening it. He knew the writing, it was most definitely Regulus’, but what if it was a trick? What if the inside was his mother’s writing?

Carefully, James walked towards Sirius and put his hand on Sirius’ shoulder. James took the letter from his trembling hands. Sirius didn’t resist, he only kept his eyes focused on the letter as James opened it slowly.

“Dear Sirius,” James read aloud, “Whatever you do, don’t reply to this. Mother doesn’t know that I’ve sent it, and I don’t want you to get into any more trouble than you are already in. Sorry this letter is late, but I had to find the right time to send it, I’m sure you understand. I know that you are sitting at Hogwarts feeling guilty about leaving at Christmas, so I want you to know that I know why you did it, and I’m fine. Mother and Father questioned me intensely, but they seemed to believe that I had no idea you were going to leave. In fact, I’m actually glad that you left. You wouldn’t have wanted to hear the things the rest of the family were saying about you. I tried to stand up for you I promise, but I was so scared that I didn’t do very much to help. I tried to be brave like you said, but it turns out I’m not good at it. Not like you are. I don’t think I’ll be able to write to you again so I’ll see you over the summer, okay? Please don’t feel guilty Sirius, and I’ll try and get Mother and Father to come around as well, though I’m sure you know that that is probably just wishful thinking. Miss you Sirius, Regulus Black.”

James folded the letter back up, and put it back in its envelope, before putting it on the bed next to Sirius.

“He’s safe,” Sirius choked, feeling as though the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulder, “James, he’s okay!”

“I know, mate,” James smiled, sitting down next to him, “Everything is good.”

……….

20th February 1972

“But he might!”

“He won’t, Black.”

“You don’t know that!”

“Yes, I’m pretty sure I do.”

“Can’t we just ask him?”

“Don’t you think he’s getting slightly annoyed?”

“One hundred percent.”

“Then why would you want to annoy him even more?”

“Because it’s not fair that he’s missing out James!”

“But that’s his choice.”

“But please let me just ask him. He might have changed his mind.”

“Sirius, I know you miss him, we all do, but he’s not coming. He’s found a new love now, and I hate to break it to you, but it's not you. It’s his books.”

“Oh no, what a disaster. But I’m so much more exciting than his bloody books,” Sirius drawled sarcastically.

“Well…”

“Do one, Potter. We need to come up with a plan to get Remus back.”

“That’s easier said than done.”

“Well, he can’t be gone forever. Any ideas?”

“I have an idea,” A quiet voice came from behind them.

Sirius had to refrain from the sudden urge he got to throw his arm around his friend’s neck.

“Mr Lupin,” James said, grinning slyly, “And what might this idea be, then?”

“You could tell him all about this prank you’ve come up with?” Remus grinned right back, leaning against the bedpost.

Locking eyes with James, Sirius wiggled his eyebrows, eyes mirroring his with excitement. His Mystery boy had returned.

……….

21st February 1972

“Ready?” Sirius asked, facing the boys.

“One hundred percent,” James smirked.

“So ready,” Remus grinned.

“Um…” Pete quivered.

“That’s the spirit, Pete!” Sirius cried, slapping his friend on the back.

Under the invisibility cloak, the Marauders crept as quietly as they could (which was still very loud) out of the common room. They made their way down the corridor until they reach the stairs.

“This I never going to work, guys,” Peter sighed, looking down at the moving staircases.

“Of course it is, Petey boy! Where is your faith?” Sirius said.

“Back in my bed, where I’d rather be asleep,” Peter mumbled under his breath.

“Oh, stop complaining,” Sirius rolled his eyes.

“I think he’s got a point, Sirius. We’re all just going to trip over ourselves,” Remus said.

“James, the only faithful one left, what has happened to our friends?”

“No clue, mate,” James replied, “Pull yourselves together men, we are doing this one way or another.”

“One foot at a time, boys.”

It was a struggle, but after a lot of angry whispers, shoving in the ribs, stumbling over each other, and stepping on each other’s toes, they made it to the bottom.

“See,” Sirius said proudly, “Wasn’t too hard was it?”

“Sirius, I’m pretty sure I have three broken ribs, a sprained ankle, and a lock of hair missing. But no, not too hard,” Remus said, looking at Sirius agape, “Alohamora.”

Remus unlocked the door to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom.

“Great to have you back, Lupin,” Sirius smiled at him as he pulled off the cloak.

Rushing in quickly, James started to climb the ladder in the corner of the room, followed closely by Peter who was holding the ladder steady.

“What d’you mean? I haven’t been anywhere,” Remus frowned, but not making eye contact with Sirius.

“Come on, mate. It hasn’t escaped our notice that you’ve been avoiding us like the plague,” Pete said, looking up at James still.

Remus stiffened slightly.

“I haven’t,” Remus said curtly, “Just been busy. You know, studying and stuff.”

Sirius couldn’t care less what Remus’ excuse was; the Marauders were ready to pull another big prank again finally, and that was all that mattered.

22nd February 1972

“James, mate,” Sirius said, stifling a laugh, “You’re going to have to stop grinning like that. You’re going to give us away.”

“You try hiding a million pixies underneath the table in a hall with the whole bloody school!” James shot back.

“There’s only fifty, James,” Remus sighed, rolling his eyes, “Honestly, mate, you’re starting to become just as dramatic as Black.”

“Oh shit. Please say you’re joking!” James said with fake exasperation.

“Not even a little bit,” Remus smirked.

“That’s the most terrible news I’ve heard in my whole life,” James turned to Remus, putting his hands together as if he were pleading, “Lupin, I beg, you’ve got to help me.”

“Up yours, Potter,” Sirius huffed.

James and Remus only sniggered.

“Honestly,” Peter moaned, clearly not listening to the arguing of the other boys, “You’d think you’d get your own bloody star right.”

“What can I say, I’m hopeless.”

“You have your own star?” Remus asked, looking at him with either admiration or disgust, he couldn’t tell.

“Sirius. Come on, Lupin, we’ve done this. It’s the brightest star in the sky? The dog star? Yep, you’ve missed it too,” Pete shook his head.

“I thought it was just a name,” Remus replied shortly.

Seeing the look of disbelief on Remus’ face, Sirius went on to explain the name of nearly every one of his close family, watching in amusement as Remus’ eyes widened and his eyebrows rose up.

“Wizards are so weird,” Remus decided.

“Remus, you do know that ‘Lupis’ is a constellation too, don’t you?” James laughed.

Sirius’ heart started to beat quicker in his chest: he knew what was coming.

“The wolf,” Finished James.

“The what?!” Remus tried to shout, his voice catching as he choked on his water.

Sirius slapped him on the back, hoping to stop his coughing, and artfully changed the subject, suggesting that they release the pixies that had fallen asleep under the table.

With a sharp kick from James, flashes of blue erupted from underneath the Gryffindor table. They went everywhere. There were pixies in all four corners of the hall, in every single plate of food, pulling at clothes and hair, stealing books, and causing pure chaos. Screams and shouts exploded from all around them as students ran from the cackling pixies, or hid under tables shielding themselves with plates or books. Sirius was already smiling with glee, but when he saw a dart of blue head for his cousin, he was in fits of laughter. He winked at James as the boys fled the hall under the invisibility cloak.

……….

25th February 1972

In the silence of the dark, Sirius tiptoed over to James’ bed and cast a silencing spell.

“James, it’s Remus’ birthday soon, we need to start planning.”

“Don’t you think we ought to ask Remus first considering it’s _his_ birthday?” James laughed.

“You’re saying he won’t want a party?” Sirius asked frowning.

All Sirius had ever wanted growing up was friends and a party for his birthday. He couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want that.

“Does he strike you as the kind of person who wants lots of attention?” James asked.

Sirius thought for a moment. He thought about how Remus hadn’t spoken a word to any of them without shouting in the first week of school, he thought about how he never mentioned anything about reading even when he was clearly struggling, he thought about how upset he had looked when Sirius had seen his scars, and he thought about how he disappeared without a word on the full moons.

“No,” Sirius said at last, “No, I guess he doesn’t. I just… I’ve never planned a party before, and I really want to, you know?”

“I get it, mate. But there’s no point planning a party when he’s not going to enjoy it, is there?”

“Well then,” Sirius said with a smirk, “We’re just going to have to convince him, aren’t we?”

“We?”

“Yes, we! Not going to help me, Potter?”

“I’d love to, but I know how this is going to end,” James with a look of accusation.

“Oh please,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Enlighten me.”

“You’ll ask him, he’ll say no. You’ll keep asking him over and over and over again until he snaps. He’ll yell at you, you’ll yell at him and then not only will there be no party, but there will also be no Remus Lupin, once again.”

“Ouch. Bit harsh.”

“The truth,” James said casually.

“Right well, if that’s how you feel, then I guess I’m just going to have to prove you wrong, won’t I?” Sirius smirked, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“You know, I really do wish you wouldn’t,” James sighed.

Sirius wriggled his eyebrows, and walked back to his own bed, thinking of how he could convince the person least likely in the whole school to want a birthday party, to actually want a birthday party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Eight miles high' by the Byrds.


	24. First year- Remus' birthday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long chapter here guys. Don't know why I always have so much to write for birthdays.

9th March

“But it’s quidditch!” James protested, a hurt look on his face.

“It’s your best friend’s birthday!” Pete shot back.

“James, mate, you’re not even on the team,” Sirius said, “One missed practice isn’t going to do anything.”

It had taken Sirius and Remus arguing along three different corridors before Remus had agreed to do something for his birthday. It wasn’t allowed to be anything big, just the marauders, but it was a start.

“I guess just one wouldn’t harm anyone,” James sighed,

“That’s the spirit!” Sirius exclaimed, patting James on the back, as they walked upstairs to their room.

Once they got there, Remus was already sitting on his bed with his curtains drawn, unsurprisingly, reading his book.

“There’s our birthday boy!” Sirius grinned, throwing back the curtains in a flourish.

Remus groaned, “Piss off, Black,” as he squinted in the light.

“Alright, you moody vampire,” Sirius rolled his eyes, “Just wanted to say happy birthday.”

“It’s not my birthday, Sirius,” Remus sighed closing his book but holding the page with his finger.

“It will be in precisely….” Sirius looked at the clock on the wall, “Two hours and fifty-two minutes.”

Remus raised his eyebrows, looking somewhat amused.

“Thank you for that analysis, but if you don’t mind, I would like to get back to my book,” Remus said pointedly.

“You’re no fun,” Sirius frowned at him, “But since it’s your birthday, I will ever so kindly oblige. Good reading, young sir.”

With a bow of his head and a charming smile, Sirius closed the curtains, just in time to catch Remus grinning into his book.

Once Remus’ curtains had been drawn, Sirius signaled Pete and James over to his bed. After a quick glance at each other (that said something along the lines of, “What the bloody hell is he going to say now?”) they went and sat down in front of him. Sirius cast a quick silencing spell before talking.

“Okay lads,” He began, “With my charming smile, I’ve managed to secure us this lovely piece of equipment.”

James and Peter stared at the silver circle in Sirius’ hand, both stifling a laugh.

“Don’t think I can’t see you smirking,” Sirius hissed, “Do you know what this is?”

“Yes, but why the hell do you have it,” Peter sniggered as Sirius held it out in front of him, acting as though it was his most prized possession.

“Well, we need to make sure our singing is on point for Remus’ performance of ‘Happy Birthday. No offense to you two, but you really need to up your game. What you sung at my birthday was so tremendously out of key that I actually felt my ear crying,” He said, “With blood.”

“Thanks, Black. How awfully kind of you,” James shoved him.

“Your so welcome, Potter,” Sirius flashed him a delightful smile, “Now, shall we begin practice?”

……….

10th March 1072

_My, my, the clock in the sky_

_Is pounding away_

_And there’s so much to say_

_A face, a voice_

_An overdub has no choice_

_An image cannot rejoice_

At the crack of dawn, Sirius leaped out of bed, stumbling slightly as he made his way over to Peter’s bed, and shook his friend awake. His latest mission was to make Remus’ birthday as amazing as he possibly could. He’s never celebrated his friend’s birthday properly before. There had been Peter’s birthday of course, but that was at a time when they were all still settling into school and Remus wasn’t talking to the other boys, and so they hadn’t really done anything major.

“Oi, Pete,” He hissed, “Get your arse out of bed!”

Sirius took the muffled grown as an ‘I’m awake’ and rushed over to James’ bed.

“Potter, get up!”

Silence.

“Black, it’s five in the bloody morning!”

Sirius rolled his eyes; he was far too excited to care that he was annoying his friends by waking them up early. He had planned the best day for Remus and wanted the boys to have as much time to spend together as possible. After finding out about Remus’ secret, Sirius knew he had to make this day perfect. Remus had missed his last birthday because he was busy getting torn apart by a monster, and that thought shook Sirius to the bone.

“Ready?” Sirius smirked, raising his eyebrows to James and Peter.

“Mate,” Peter said sleepily, “I really don’t think he’s gonna appreciate this.”

“Yeah, I’m with Pete on this one,” James agreed, though not looking anywhere near as tired.

“The things you love most, are the things you started off hating,” Sirius said, tapping his finger to his nose.

James and Peter both stared at his agape.

“When did you get so philosophical, Black?” James sniggered.

“Trust me, there are many things you are yet to learn about the Black Heir, boys,” Sirius said cryptically.

“I hope no more of those things feel the need to reveal themselves this early in the morning,” Pete snorted.

“Oh boys, how monotonous you are both being, some might go as far as to say lackluster,” Sirius said, trying hard not to grin.

“Are you using those words because you know we don’t know what they mean?” Peter said, highly unamused.

“Quite possibly yes, Pete,” Sirius replied collectedly, “Now if you don’t mind, we need to get on with it before he wakes up to the sound of you two being completely vapid and bovine.”

“I’m not even going to ask what that means, mate, I’m going to let that one slide for Lupin’s sake,” James said, narrowing his eyes.

Sirius winked, and all three boys launched themselves at the peacefully sleeping Remus.

“Happy birthday, Lupin!” They yelled at the top of their voices, most probably waking up everyone else in Gryffindor.

Instantly, Remus' eye’s shot open, as if waking up from a horrendous dream. It took him a few blinks and eye rubs to come to his senses but when he did, though he was scowling at them, the look in his eyes told Sirius he wasn’t as annoyed as he let on.

“Alright, alright!” He yawned, “Get off. Don’t I get a lie-in on my birthday?”

“Of course not!” Sirius grinned, “Where’s the fun in that?”

“So, if any of us wake you up before eight on a weekday, or midday on a weekend, then we get pillows thrown at us, but if you decide to wake someone else up at...” Remus paused to look at the clock, “Nearly half five, then that’s just fine?”

“That’s correct yes, well done, Remus,” Sirius replied with a nod.

“Okay, and so might I ask why I’m being woken up so early?”

“Because it’s your birthday,” Peter said simply.

“Oh really? Hadn’t noticed,” Remus droned, “Maybe if three boys had jumped on my bed yelling ‘happy birthday,’ then I might have known.”

“Would you like us to do it again then?” James winked at him.

“Potter, I swear to Merlin-“

But it was too late. Once again, Remus was smothered.

By the time Remus had managed to push them all onto the floor, it wasn’t too long until breakfast, and so the boys got dressed and sat on their beds. Not a single hair on Sirius’ head had ever been out of place, but today, in honour of his friend turning twelve, he made an extra effort to make it look perfect.

“If you keep brushing your hair, you’re going to make it greasy,” James smirked at him.

Sirius whipped his head around and gasped, mock offence written all over his face.

“James Potter,” He announced aptly, “My hair has not been greasy a single day in my twelve years of living. How dare you suggest that I don’t know what I’m doing with my luscious locks. Maybe you should take some advice from me considering I haven’t seen yours lie flat once since I met you.”

“There are more important things in life than hair, Black,” James replied with a shrug.

“There most certainly is not!”

“There most certainly is, you vain git!”

“Okay!” Remus interrupted, standing up with an amused look on his face, “As much as I’d love to hear the two most narcissistic boys in school argue about hair, I’m very hungry and suggest we should go down and eat.”

“Right you are, birthday boy,” Sirius said with a wink before turning back to James, “This isn’t over, Potter.”

“Wouldn’t think for a moment that it was,” James drawled.

“Oi Pete,” Remus said, “Think we could leave them here?”

“I’m willing to try,” Peter replied with a grin.

“Not so fast, birthday boy,” James said.

“Yeah, hold your horses, birthday boy,” Sirius nodded, secretly grabbing the pitch pipe and stuffing it into his pocket, making sure Remus didn’t notice.

“By any chance, will asking you to stop calling me birthday boy actually make you stop?” Remus asked unenthusiastically as if he already knew the answer.

“Nope,” All three boys said in unison.

“Didn’t think so,” Remus sighed.

“Okay, get behind us, Remus,” Sirius instructed, “Come lads, we must protect the birthday boy.”

All the way down to the hall, James, Sirius walked ahead of Remus, shielding him from any oncoming students, whilst Peter stayed behind him, looking out from the back. Though Sirius didn’t look behind him once, he could almost feel Remus’ cheeks flushing red with embarrassment.

Sitting down once they reached the hall, Remus looked as though he wanted to strangle each of the other boys as he reached to grab some toast.

“Birthday boy,” Sirius smirked, smacking his hand away, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“Getting my breakfast, Black,” He sighed.

“No, I’m getting your breakfast,” Sirius said with a wink, as he started to butter some toast.

“You can’t be serious,” Remus said covering his face with his hands, trying to hide the tug on his lips.

“I _am_ Sirius,” He replied, trying with all he could to stop himself laughing.

Sirius locked eyes with James, who only rolled his eyes disapprovingly.

“Remus you dolt, you really set him up for this one,” James sighed, exasperated

“Oh, come on, Potter,” Sirius threw up his hands in frustration, “That was a good one!”

“No jokes that you make about being serious are ever going to be good,” Peter said frankly.

“I’m going to pretend my ego isn’t profoundly bruised, and suggest we give our friend his first surprise of the day,” Sirius said, patting Remus so hard on the back that he started choking on his toast.

Remus never spoke about his childhood or the home that he was at, and so Sirius couldn’t be one hundred percent sure, but he suspected that Remus had never had a proper birthday either. The thought made him wonder if there had ever been a full moon on his birthday, but he quickly pushed that aside when he felt his lip starting to quiver.

“What?!” Remus spluttered as the other three boys all stood up.

Seeing the scared look on his friend’s face, Sirius almost sat right back down, but James and Peter each put a hand on his shoulder and he seemed to relax.

Slightly.

The rest of the Friday carried on as per usual (except for the singing at both lunch and also dinner) and by the time they were all back in the common room, the boys were thoroughly exhausted. This, of course, didn’t stop Sirius from making his way down to the kitchens to convince the elves to make Remus a cake in four different flavours just like his toast. Thankfully, it took little convincing, and the cake was there in no time at all. Much to James’ dismay, he didn’t manage to convince the other boys to go out and watch the Quidditch practice, and so they found themselves lounging around in front of the crackling fire, listening to Sirius’ Record player. Sirius wasn’t sure if that was what you were supposed to do on the night of your friend’s birthday, but he didn’t really care; it was perfect. Sirius felt he would like to stay in that state of relaxation forever, because whilst the fire blazed, and the stars twinkled, all the thoughts about his family were washed away into oblivion.

“Sorry lads,” Remus laughed, “I reckon I must be really boring.”

“What do you do when you disappear off?” Sirius asked, snapping out of his daze.

A flash of panic shot across Remus’ eyes and Sirius felt he could almost hear Remus’ heartbeat getting quicker.

“What do you mean?! I told you, I’ve been sick, I go to the hospital wing.”

Sirius waved his hand dismissively, not wanting to draw attention to Remus’ suspicious hurried words.

“No, not then- sometimes you go off after lessons, or while we’re watching quidditch. What are you doing?” Sirius asked, watching Remus bite his lip nervously.

“I sort of just… walk around.”

“Where though?” Peter questioned, sounding genuinely interested, “In the grounds?”

For once, Sirius was inclined to agree with Peter; whatever Remus was talking about seemed like something very exciting. Why else would he have kept it from them? Understandably, Sirius had thought that whenever he wasn’t with them, Remus was off reading somewhere, but apparently not.

“Everywhere. I just like to look about. So I know where stuff is,” Remus explained, taking a piece of parchment out of his pocket, “It’s stupid, I started adding stuff to the map they have us at the beginning of the year and whenever I see something interesting, I put it in.”

Reaching for the map, James watched Remus carefully. James unfolded the map, and Sirius and Pete all gathered around. Sirius couldn’t believe his eyes. When Remus had said about liking to know where things were, Sirius had thought he meant looking for secret passages as Sirius had told him about a few weeks before when they were steeling the pixies. Since the disappointment of the none existent passage the Ravenclaws had told him about, Sirius hadn’t been convinced there actually were any. Remus’ map told him differently. All over the map were different words in the scraggly writing that Sirius loved so much, different symbols, splodges, and also arrows. Sirius couldn’t fathom why Remus had kept his map for so long, but he was glad Remus had- they could get away with almost any prank they could dream of now.

“You’ve added all the portraits,” Sirius stuttered in admiration, “And labeled them and everything.”

“My spelling’s rubbish,” Remus apologised sounding nervous, but Sirius was too busy studying the map to look up.

“What’s that?” James asked, pointing towards one of the many marks on one of the staircases.

Sirius watched, speechless, as Remus’ finger glided along the map as he explained and pointed out all the different trick steps he had marked. He then went on to describe how you can tell which way all the staircases moved, using the key he had drawn.

“Merlin! D’you have any idea how much time this would save me?” Peter cried, “I swear I get trapped on the wrong corridor twice a week because of those flipping stairs.”

“And me,” Agreed James.

Sirius couldn’t believe his ears. His friends were clearly not seeing the beauty of what was in front of them.

“Sod getting to lessons on time! Please try to recognise the extremely important implications of this map,” Sirius said, finally tearing his eyes away from Remus’ map, “The possibilities now available to us for practical jokes.”

Sirius saw his own grin mirrored on James and Peter’s face, but Remus only frowned and grabbed the map back out of James’ grip.

“It’s not finished yet. There’s loads to do. I wanted to do some spells on it, once I figure out how.”

There was a strange edge to Remus’ voice as if he were afraid of something.

“What sort of spells?” Sirius asked him.

In the short moment of silence that followed, Sirius could see the conflict in Remus' mind as he tried to decide whether sharing his ideas would be a good thing or not. Reading him carefully, Sirius tried to see what Remus was thinking, but routinely, Sirius couldn’t figure him out.

Eyeing Sirius sideways, Remus said, “Just some improvements. You’ll think it’s silly.”

Remus sounded embarrassed or at least scared his friends were going to judge him, but the odd look he was giving Sirius didn’t go. Remus looked almost accusatory.

Soon, that look vanished, and the boys were underneath the invisibility cloak, following Remus around like dogs on a lead, as he showed them all the secret places he had discovered. It wasn’t different from any of the other times the boys had snuck around, but it felt more mysterious with the map, and Sirius couldn’t help but feel a bit like Remus. 

Sirius had always envied his friend and looked up to him in almost every way imaginable, but the thing that drew him in the most was Remus’ ability to hide all of his secrets without anyone even thinking of questioning him. It was as if Remus blended into the shadows. And now, with this mystery map, Sirius felt that he was on his way to being just like that.

“Oi, Black,” James whispered, “Got them dung bombs?”

“As if I’d leave without them,” Sirius winked as he dropped one into the pocket of a passing student.

Once all the dung bombs had run out, they made their way back to the common room along the final secret passage that Remus had marked. Along the way, Remus seemed to have relaxed about the whole idea and was explaining to the rest of the boys about a tracking spell that he wanted to put on Mrs Norris that would show up on the map. Sirius thought it was totally ingenious, and suggested that they track every single person in the school.

“Imagine what we could do if we knew that much!” James said dreamily.

“We could spy on Snape! Or dumbledore!” Peter exclaimed.

Remus, however, wasn’t as keen. He didn’t make a fuss, but Sirius knew he was thinking about what would happen if they saw him making his way out to the grounds on the night of a full moon. Sirius, of course, would never let the tracking happen if it would put his friend in danger, but at the same time, Sirius hoped that Remus would pluck up the courage to tell them all long before they even figured out how to do the spell. In any case, James was just as smart as Sirius (well, nearly) and he knew it wouldn’t be long before James began to get suspicious and figured it out for himself.

As they climbed back through the portrait hole, Remus put away his map protectively, and James pulled the cloak off them.

“Well, that’s the end of your birthday then, Remus,” Peter said with a sigh.

“Yeah, I guess,” Remus shifted uncomfortably, “Thanks, guys, for, you know, all of it. It was amazing.”  
“Well, I don’t try to be amazing, but it just comes naturally to me,” Sirius smirked.

“Forget I said anything,” Remus rolled his eyes.

“Ignore him, Remus. He’s a prick,” James shoved him, “But anyway, you’re welcome, birthday boy.”

James winked at him.

“Anytime, mate,” Pete patted him on the back.

On the stairs on the way up to the dorm room, Sirius’ eye was caught by the map poking out of Remus’ robe. He shook his head, still not quite believing it.

_How’d he manage to get another secret past me?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'The porpoise song' by the Monkees.


	25. First year- Brown eyes of bravery

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Very slight mention of ch!ld abuse.

As the snow started melting away and the sun stayed out longer, the exams drew close. The marauders began spending more and more time apart. The only time they really saw each other was in the evening before they went to sleep when the boys quizzed each other on different spells or were too shattered to even talk to one another. Each of the boys seemed to take the exam revision differently, but one thing that they all had in common, was that they were all eager to do well.

Remus spent nearly all of his time alone in the library, reading anything and everything he had rather than doing practical spells. Stress wasn’t a problem for him, but it was clear he was still working harder than many of the other first years.

Peter was anxious all the time, constantly looking to James for reassurance that he would even pass the year. Sirius often heard him complaining to James late at night about the letters he was getting from his parents pressuring him to work late into the night and as soon as he woke up in the morning. Sirius knew the feeling and was as more generous to Peter during that spring than he had been before.

James and Sirius took a slightly different approach. They decided to have a competition to see who could get the best grades. Sirius knew why James had suggested the competition; he knew Sirius wouldn’t try so he could get back at his parents. Reluctant at first, Sirius agreed to the competition but still didn’t do any of the work to help him win. That was until he realised James was up to the early hours of the morning doing work. Sirius hated pleasing his family as much as James hates disappointing his, but Sirius was also the most competitive person anyone knew. He couldn’t help the strong desire he felt to win. Forgetting all about his promise to go against everything the Black family stood for, he began studying as much as was possible.

As desperate as Sirius was to win his little competition with James, Sirius wasn’t trying as hard as he thought he probably could. The Blacks had tutors from the age of two, and Sirius could recite the first chapter of ‘Hogwarts a history’ before most of the other boys his age had even begun talking. That was on the very short list of things that Sirius was thankful to his family for.

Despite trying his best not to, Sirius couldn’t help feeling grateful that James had suggested that they try and beat each other because it gave his family less of a reason to start hurting him without him actually going along with what they say. Sirius would never admit this, of course, though he suspected James knew exactly what he was thinking all of the time. Sirius was exceptionally good at keeping his guard up, and hiding his feelings with sarcastic jokes and witty comments, but James knew him well enough to see past the wall.

Sirius had been so preoccupied with his revision, that he hadn’t had much time to think about going home for the summer. He was glad for the distraction, but he knew he would have to deal with the nerves soon enough.

……….

26th June 1972

_Fill your heart with love today_

_Don’t play the game of time_

_Things that happened in the past_

_Only happened in your mind_

“You okay, Lupin?” Sirius asked as he saw Remus shift suddenly.

“Yeah, just… think I might go for a walk,” Remus replied, looking flustered.

“Where? It’s almost curfew. What are you planning?” Sirius questioned excitedly.

It had been forever since the marauders had done any sort of prank, and Sirius was on his feet in a moment, anticipation rushing through him.

“No no, nothing,” Remus stammered looking down at the floor and shifting his feet, “I just fancied-“

“We’ll come! I’ll get the cloak,” Announced James, standing up also now.

“No!” Remus yelled suddenly.

In a second, Sirius understood. Remus didn’t sound annoyed, just frightened. Sirius cursed himself for forgetting; it was a full moon.

“I…I don’t feel well. I just want to go to Madam Pomfrey, that’s all,” Remus murmured looking ashamed for shouting at them.

“All right, mate. Calm down. Want us to come with you anyway?” James asked, smiling gently.

“I’ll go,” Sirius blurted without thinking.

Not giving Remus time to protest, he took his friend's elbow and led him out of the common room.

“Sirius…”

“S’all right, Lupin, I’m just walking you there. Won’t go in with you or anything,” Sirius said, not wanting to make eye contact with Remus.

If he did, he would see the pain in his brown eyes, and Sirius knew he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together then. Even without looking, though, Sirius could feel Remus’ eyes on him and could hear the strain in his breath with every step he took.

Forcing himself to watch (careful still to not look into his eyes) Sirius looked up to see Remus struggling to walk.

“Are you alright?” He asked, “You’re walking stiffly.”

As much as Sirius hoped his friend would confess his secret, Sirius knew- and understood why- that wouldn’t happen anytime. He was more asking so that Remus knew he wasn’t alone; he had people there for him.

“I don’t feel well,” Remus said through gritted teeth.

Sirius nearly winced at the agony in his voice, but only replied with, “Okay.”

Slowly, the boys walking the rest of the way in silence. Sirius didn’t mind, he just wanted to look after his friend.

Outside the door of the hospital wing, Sirius turned to face Remus, telling himself to make eye contact, just for Remus’ sake. In those brown eyes that Sirius had been fixated on from the first day he had met Remus, there was fear and suffering, though it wouldn’t have been noticeable by anyone else. Only Sirius had been studying these eyes for months. To anyone else, all that would have been visible was amber rays of the warmth of an everlasting fire, as if the wood could burn on forever. Remus was brave beyond belief, and the strength in his eyes was proof of that.

“Hope you feel better. Can we come and visit you tomorrow, if you’re not out?” Sirius said simply, breaking the quiet that had settled.

“S’pose so,” Remus shrugged, wincing in pain at the movement.

Sirius just stood watching, utterly in awe of his friend.

“Look after yourself, Lupin,” He said softly, barely audible.

Before Remus could reply, Sirius hurried off back to the common room. He had a funny feeling in his stomach, and his heart was beating faster than he would have thought normal. Sirius wished he could look back, but he already had tears shining in his eyes, and he didn’t want Remus to see that.

Before he entered the common room, Sirius wiped his eyes and tried to steady his breathing as he wondered what questions he was going to be bombarded with from James and Pete.

As suspected, as soon as the portrait swung open, the other boys were nearly on top of him.

“What was wrong with him?”

“Is he okay?”

“How come he let you go with him?”

“When’s he coming out?”

“Merlin guys!” Sirius did his best to laugh, “If you would kindly let me sit down, I would love to answer your many, many questions.”

Hesitantly, James stepped aside, gesturing Peter to do the same. Sirius walked past them and collapsed onto the sofa, sprawling his arms and legs out as he tried to look as relaxed as possible. The two other boys stood, arms folded across their chests, looking at him expectantly.

“Well?” James asked, sounding somewhat frustrated.

“Well,” Sirius began, “I walked Remus to the hospital wing and he went in.”

“Yes, Black, we get that, but what was wrong with him?” Peter pressured.

“He was walking funny, and he said he felt like he was about to be sick, and that’s all I got out of him,” Sirius said carefully, “I suspect he will be fine in the morning.”

“So, he said he’s not coming back tonight?” James asked, sounding rather suspicious.

Sirius wasn’t keen on the idea of giving away his friend’s secret.

“No, Madame Pomfrey said so,” He lied easily.

James' face relaxed slightly, which Sirius was glad for. Peter took James nod as a cue for him to unfold his arms and lose the annoyed look on his face.

“Well then,” Sirius chirped breezily, “No point waiting up is there, shall we go up?”

Without waiting for a response, Sirius stood up and walked up the stairs to the dorm room, eyes lingering on the window as he went past. The moon was starting to rise, and Sirius took his mind somewhere else, protecting himself from hearing the howls of his friend.

The only time Sirius had ever been glad to talk about his family, was that night. Once Peter had fallen asleep, James crept into Sirius’ bed. The full moons were easier to bear now that he had been through a couple of them, but still, he never slept on the days that the merciless silver light shone through the window of their room.

“Spill,” James said.

“What?” Sirius frowned.

_Did James know about Remus? Surely not._

“How are you feeling about going home?” James pressed.

“Oh right, that. It’ll be the same as it always is,” Sirius shrugged.

James folded his arms and raised an eyebrow.

Sirius rolled his eyes.

“My whole extended family is going to be there and I’m scared out of my mind. Is that what you want to hear?” Sirius sighed.

“That’ll do yes,” James grinned, “I wasn’t joking earlier. I’m going to do everything I can to get you out of there. I know you don’t think I’ll be able to, and maybe you’re right, but I will try. I promise.”

Sirius gave him a sad smile. He knew the possibility of him staying the summer at James’ was near impossible.

“Thanks, mate,” Sirius said.

“Anytime,” James replied, “What are you most worried about? And how are you gonna play it then? At your cousin’s wedding.”

“I’m worried about everything. I’m never going to be enough for them James and they’re going to punish me for it. And I have no clue. Whatever I say I’m going to do never works out anyway. Just gonna see what happens. I mean if Pete is going to be there any way it might not be as bad, right?” Sirius said half-heartedly.

James didn’t say anything for a while after, they just sat in comfortable silence.

“Do they hurt you?” James asked quietly, “Physically?”

Sirius nearly choked on air. He didn’t how to answer. No one had ever asked him that before. Remus was the only person he had ever shown his scars to, not even Regulus knew how bad he had it. Sirius didn’t ever want anyone to see his scars, it showed his vulnerability- the vulnerability he had been taught to hide since he was a child. But James didn’t deserve to be lied to, not after everything he had done to help Sirius.

“Sometimes,” He breathed, “But don’t ask me anything about it. I won’t tell you.”

James didn’t hesitate; not even for a second.

“Write to me and tell me everything,” James instructed forcefully as if Sirius had never even said anything at all.

 _Bloody James Potter,_ Sirius thought to himself, nearly smiling, _how does he always know what to say?_

“If I’m allowed,” Sirius promised.

“Good. Right then, get some rest, yeah?” James said, “I’m proud of you, mate, and let me know if there’s anything I can do. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.”

“It’s cool,” Sirius said with a shrug, “Get used to it after a while.”

The conversation was over, his battlements were back up.

James paused for a moment before sighing dolefully and leaving Sirius to get some sleep. Sirius didn’t though, of course: he just lay down and played with the ribbons of moonlight in between his fingers, thinking about Remus scared and alone, and knowing that was exactly what he would be feeling locked in his room back home, way too soon then he would ever be ready for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Fill your heart' by David Bowie.


	26. First year- Last day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Sirius has some very negative thoughts about pain and life in general at the end, Se!f Harm, Su1c1de

Being as Sirius was more scared to go home than he ever had been before, Sirius couldn’t have been gladder when exam week finally came around. He was so focused (not to be mistaken with worried, as he often reminded James) that he didn’t have time to waste dwelling on the forthcoming summer he was about to experience.

Despite the constant threats of losing house points and detentions, James and Sirius spent their days (when they weren’t in their exams) doing what the two best friends did best- causing chaos. It wasn’t so much of a way to calm nerves, but more of a way to relax throughout the week. After all, they deserved it.

James was particularly excited during that week, probably much more than he should have been. Lily Potter had taken to asking everyone and anyone to quiz her on various topics throughout the day; including James.

“Evans!” James would say, “Need any help?”

Lily would roll her eyes, but allow James to ask her a few questions before Sirius interrupted for the sheer enjoyment of seeing James pounce on him with annoyance.

“Black, I swear I’m going to get you for this one day!” James growled.

“I’d like to see you try,” Sirius laughed, pushing James off him, “I’d never be so caught up on a girl that I’d chase them like you chase Evans.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” James huffed.

“I could get anyone I wanted you know it,” Sirius smirked with a wink.

“In your dreams, Black.”

Overall, Sirius found all of his exams a breeze, though this was of no surprise to anyone. Secretly, Sirius was quite proud of himself. James had also done exemptional well, though not quite as well as Sirius. Much to Sirius’ excitement, Remus also performed all of the spells well and even wrote the longest history essay of the class. Peter, on the other hand, despite all the work he had been doing, wasn’t so lucky. Sirius knew he wouldn’t fail, but he certainly wasn’t going to be anywhere near the top of the class.

……….

16th June 1972

Sun shining and clue sky glowing, the marauders lounged under the relaxing shade of the trees but the lake. Remus was lying with the sun bouncing off his perfect complexion, Pete sat up with his back leaning against a tree, and Sirius and James were skimming stones across the mirrored surface of the water. With the exam week over, the marauders were itching to start on their next great mission. James had been asking for ideas all through exam week, but all of the boys were much too busy to come up with anything worthy of approval from James Potter.

“Anyway, the point is, the four of us have had more detentions than the rest of Gryffindor combined this year. What more do you want us to do, James? Sign our work?” Sirius joked, shielding his eyes from the sun as lifted a stone to throw at the lake.

Just as he was about to release the stone, Sirius felt a hand grip his shoulder hard, causing him to drop it.

“Oi! What are you playing at?” Sirius scowled as he saw James.

“That’s it! We sign our work!” James said, barely able to contain his excitement as he jumped up and down on the spot. 

“You what?” Remus’ voice came from behind them.

“Sign our work!” James emphasised each syllable as if he was talking to people who wouldn’t understand English, “We put out mark on Hogwarts, literally.

Then something clicked in his brain and Sirius raised an eyebrow, slowly understanding the mastermind that was James Potter.

“Are you talking about defacing school property, Potter?” Sirius asked, grinning ridiculously.

“I might just be, Black,” James replied, grinning just as much and wriggling his eyebrows.

“Well, I say, old man,” Sirius said, imitating the distinguished accent he had tried all year to rid himself of.

“What do you say, old bean?” James replied, matching Sirius’ voice to perfection.

“I say it’s a simply ripping idea.”

“Oh, spiffing!”

“Good show!”

“Rather!”

In an instant, both boys were on top of each other in a heap, laughing to themselves and rolling around wrestling. Sirius pushed James back, but James had his hand gripped on the other boy’s shiny hair. Sirius put both his hands onto James' shoulders and pushed him back onto the grass. James was just about to push Sirius’ head away when-

“Lads! I’ve had an idea!”

Sirius and James froze mid headlock.

“Blimey! Are you feeling okay, Pettigrew?” James asked, letting go of Sirius and pushing him off.

“The lawn!” Peter announced as he paced, “It’s the biggest canvas and it wouldn’t have to be permanent, it could be… if we used a quick-grow potion…”

Sirius locked eyes with James, and then they both turned to Pete.

“You sneaky bastard,” Sirius laughed running over to Pete and clapping him on the back, “You goddam sneaky bastard.”

……….

29th June 1972

_And even if time ain't really on my side_

_It's one of those days for takin' a walk outside_

_I'm blowin' the day to take a walk in the sun_

_And fall on my face on somebody's new-mowed lawn_

All four boys had passed all of their exams, much to Peter's relief. Sirius had come first in the class in everything except for history (he came second behind Remus) and charms (he was behind Lily and Remus this time).

“I can’t believe this!” James said throwing down his results in frustration, “I worked ten times harder than you, yet I’m always one place behind you! Where’s the logic in that?”

“Oh, my poor boy, don’t dwell on it too much. I was always destined to be smarter than you. There’s nothing you can do about it I’m afraid,” Sirius replied, pulling his friend into an overdramatic hug and patting his head.

“Oh, leave off, Black,” Scoffed James, pulling away.

After the boys had finished comparing test results, they began planning for their prank. Peter and Remus were in charge of collecting all the supplies they would need from the greenhouses, whilst James and Sirius did all the research on colour changing spells. It had taken them two weeks to get everything sorted, but finally, they were ready.

Under neath the invisibility cloak, James and Sirius walked along the grass in the shape of the letters they were planning to spell out, Peter and James trailing behind pouring out the hydrangea seeds. Remus had surprised everyone by casting the colour changing spell in advance, and so all that was left was to wait.

They stood; eyes fixated on the pool of glowing gold spill out over the horizon. Pastels of pink, red, and orange reflected off the crystal lake, illuminating the memories of the year that glimmered between their eyes.

Watching the canvas of colours freeze in a picture of joy before his eyes, Sirius felt a pang of sadness tug at his heart. He didn’t want to leave this place behind, even if it was only for a couple of months. In the past year, Sirius had made the happiest memories of his life, and these boys and this castle had become more of a home than his mansion ever had. He felt like he had been living a dream and moving back home would be him waking up. He didn’t know if he could cope without James by his side. The one thing drawing him back to Grimmauld Place, was Reggie. It felt like forever had been and gone since he last spoke to his brother and he was desperate to pull him into a hug. However, Sirius knew that going back would only put his brother in more danger.

“Next year’ll be even better, lads,” James smiled as he put his arms over Sirius’ and Peter’s shoulder, pulling them into a hug.

Sirius grinned back at him, but not before noticing Remus standing slightly off to the side. Sirius wanted to pull him into the hug as well, but a turn in his stomach stopped him. Remus looked quite happy standing, eyes glistening under the ink of the sun, and Sirius would never forgive himself if he tore the look of pure ecstasy from his mystery boy’s face. If Sirius could capture that look, right there at that moment, and frame it in his mind to stare at whenever he needed to feel that familiar pull on his heart that he had come to favour over the past year, he would have.

Back in the dorm room, Sirius decided to start finishing collecting all of his things together and put them in his trunk. Looking at his things, it was as if a whirlwind had hit his part of the room. He had only begun packing a couple of days ago. The boys put it down to him being lazy, but Sirius knew that if he started packing, returning home would become all too real.

Sirius picked up his books, followed by his records and then his clothes, stuffing them all into his trunk. There was no way they were going to fit without a bit of magic, but Sirius would worry about that later; he was far too tired now.

“Looking good!” Sirius said, walking slowly over to the window to look at the lawn with Remus.

The seeds hadn’t grown much, but little buds were sprouting and were starting to knot together.

“Still think it should have been ‘woz,’ not ‘were,’” Rems replied, eyes unmoving.

“Bad grammar, Lupin. Couldn’t have lived with myself,” Sirius said between a yawn.

Sirius felt his eyes closing as he spoke and slowly fell back onto whichever bed he could reach first. As soon as he touched the mattress, his mind drifted off to somewhere else. Somewhere he would have liked to stay forever. Somewhere that he and Remus and James and Peter could all stay together forever.

……….

30th June 1972

“Wakey wakey, Black!”

Sirius grunted and turned over on his side.

“Nope! Not today, Sirius, Get up!” James continued, cheerfully as ever.

Reluctantly, Sirius yawned and sat up. He looked across the room and saw his trunk atop his bed. But if that was his, then where-

“Have a nice sleep, Black?” Remus smirked at him.

“Shit. I’m so sorry, Lupin,” Sirius jumped up, “Are you okay? Where did you sleep?”

“I didn’t really. I stayed up to watch the lawn, and then I just curled up on the floor for a couple of hours,” Remus replied with a shrug.

“Shit,” Sirius repeated, “I had no idea! You should have woken me up, mate!”

“I didn’t mind,” Remus said, “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Come look though!”

Sirius followed Remus over to the window, and look out over the lawn. There in front of him was the best pranked they had pulled all year. Golden and ruby flowers spelled out ‘THE MARAUDERS WERE HERE.’

“It’s perfect,” Sirius grinned, staring a little longer before returning to his bed to try and force his trunk shut.

It took a lot of shoving, a lot of Peter sitting on top of it, and a lot of trying different spells before the lid finally shut, but they got there in the end. Just as he thought he was finished, something caught his eye. It was a bit of parchment poking out from under his bed. Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. He knew exactly what it was. Looking over to where Remus was to make sure he wasn’t looking, Sirius bent down to pick it up. The list he had written near the start of term was complete, but the story he had written wasn’t. Sirius wasn’t ready for that story to be over, and he wouldn’t be for a very long time. He also wasn’t sure how he wanted the werewolf’s story to end, but he knew it would be happy. The werewolf would go all the way to hell, but there would be someone to follow after and pull him back up again. Smiling to himself, Sirius crumpled up his list and chucked it in the bin. His days of finding out Remus’ secrets were far from over, but for now, he knew everything he needed to know. The story, however, he folded neatly into his pocket. No matter what happened, he would keep that piece of parchment, like it was his one hope, waiting until it was time to write the ending.

Fantasising about the happy end to the werewolf’s story, made Sirius long for the end of his: to be free finally from his family and fears. The werewolf had become a symbol to him- a symbol of hope and optimism. A symbol he would bottle for the rest of his life. Now, more than ever, he needed that hope.

As he breathed, he heard his voice begin to shake. James had been eyeing him all morning waiting for his breaking point, and Sirius felt it stirring inside him as he read the story that he had written months ago on the parchment.

Sirius walked as calmly as he could to the bathroom, trying not to let the others see his knees about to buckle beneath him. He wouldn’t normally lock the door or cast a silencing spell, but he wouldn’t let the others see him like that- not so weak.

Staring at his reflection, he found himself wishing for darkness so that he didn’t have to stare at the broken soul in front of him. He’d put off his feelings for too long, and now they were all crashing over him in an avalanche. He knew he should have told James that going back was like revisiting your worst nightmare, but he didn’t want to put that onto one of his friends- it wasn’t fair. And so, he had spent the past weeks forcing any feelings or emotions down deep into the void inside of him. But now, those feelings were waking, and Sirius didn’t have the time or energy to put them back to sleep.

Glaring back at him in the mirror was the person that he covered up with humour and finesse. The person that Reggie told him he wasn’t. The person Sirius lived in fear of becoming. The person that deep down Sirius knew he already was. Just a scared little boy with nothing to show for. A scared little boy that was a reminder of all the torture he had upheld from his parents, physically and emotionally. A scared little boy who didn’t understand why his life had turned out the way it had. It had taken him years to realise that the house he was living in wasn’t safe, and now, the burden of the knowledge was getting too heavy to carry.

Except, he wasn’t just scared anymore. That was all it had ever been until now- pure fear. But that feeling had bubbled and grown, and Sirius was more than frightened now- he was angry. It wasn’t fair what his parents had put him or his brother through, and would continue to put them through for the rest of their lives. Nearly every other child in this school would be waiting how, smiling, glad to be seeing their family again after a year away, but Sirius was in a bathroom, all alone, trying to calm his breathing so that he didn’t hurt himself.

The mess of emotions- fear, pain, anger, sadness, regret, hate- tangled themselves into thick vines, and wound their way up towards his neck. Frantically, his hands shot to his throat as he pulled his tie off and unbuttoned the top of his shirt. Heart pounding like a steel drum in his chest, Sirius ran the taps, splashing water in his face, desperately trying to cool himself off.

“Suck it up!” He shouted at himself, lost in the fractured crystal in his eyes, “Sort yourself out, you coward!”

It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough. No matter what he tried, Sirius wouldn’t be able to please his family, or even himself.

“I hate you!” He screamed to the glass, “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

Hands trembling, Sirius lowered himself to the floor, leaning against the bathtub. He waited and waited for the tears to escape his eyes, but they didn’t. That lock was too old to be opened now. In fact, Sirius didn’t feel sad, or angry, or even scared anymore. He was tired. He was done. Too worn down now. Frayed to the last thread. He had been through too much; he had had the worst. He could deal with whatever was thrown at him, and if he didn’t….well, what did it matter anyway? What was the point of standing alive on this earth, when you spent every minute of it wishing you weren’t?

“It’s just one summer,” He repeated to himself, and he clung to the sink, trying to pull himself up.

And it was. One summer and he would be back where he belonged. One summer, and it would all be over.

Except it wouldn’t.

It would never be over.

Try as he might, Sirius would never be able to escape his parent’s grasp.

Sirius gagged as he felt an invisible hand grab his neck. His mother's voice rang out in his ears.

“Disappointment, blood traitor, mistake,” She hissed in his ear.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut, pleading with all he had that she would stop. When the voice continued to haunt him, Sirius’ hands flew to his hair, and he yanked his head down.

“Stop!” He yelled, eyes blood red, “Leave me alone!”

But the ruthless voice didn’t stop.

“Please,” He choked, lifting his head to see the dry eyes and ghost-white skin of his reflection, “I beg you.”

“Black?” Came a voice and a knock on the door, “Alright in there?”

Sirius’ eyes blinked in terror, washing out all the red that had swam there not a moment before. He shook his hands out and combed his fingers through his wet and tangled hair.

_Keep yourself in check. Don’t let them know._

“Yes!” He called back, careful to keep his voice from breaking, “Just coming!”

Three deep breaths and a smile.

Sirius walked out.

“Right,” He chided, flashing a grin to his friends, “Who’s ready for summer?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is 'Daydream' by the Lovin' Spoonful.


	27. Summer '72- The wedding part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter, but like I said, with college and sports starting again, I can't upload as much as I would like to.   
> First year has nearly come to the end, we just have maybe two or three more chapters for the summer, then onto the second year!
> 
> TW: One or two sentences mentions blood from abuse.

Dear Sirius,

I know it’s hard for you to reply so don’t worry, I am NOT AT ALL offended that you have been completely ignoring me and not replying to a SINGLE one of my fabulous letters. Take your time. It's not as if I’m staying up EVERY NIGHT waiting for your reply.

I’ve asked my mum, and she said you can come to stay with us as soon as you’ve gone to that stupid wedding. You wouldn’t even need to bring anything; you can borrow all my stuff. I know you don’t think your parents will let you, but you could at least ask. You never know. Pete’s here as well, and I’ll ask Remus but I don’t want to make him upset.

Good luck with the wedding tomorrow. Try not to look too ‘pure-bloody’ in your very, very stylish dress robes, but if you would like to bring them to mine so I can laugh in your face about them, then be my guest. Whatever you do, don’t get yourself in trouble. Just this once do as you’re told, or else you defiantly won’t be allowed to come to mine, okay?

See you soon, mate

James Potter

3rd July

“Sirius,” A voice rasped from outside of his door, “Get up!”

Without waiting for a reply from her son, Walburga turned on her heal and strode off in the other direction. For a moment, Sirius considered staying in bed and pretending he hadn’t heard his mother, but then he remembered James’ letter and what was on the line. If he didn’t follow his mother’s instructions perfectly, there wasn’t a chance in hell he was going to be able to go and spend the rest of the summer with James and Peter.

With a yawn, Sirius got out of bed and stumbled out of the room and along the corridor, still looking half asleep. The sun was only just rising, but the Black family had lots to get ready for his cousin’s wedding. The rest of his family had arrived late the night before, and so thankfully hadn’t had much interaction with Sirius. They were sleeping in the various spare rooms, but the other guests wouldn’t be there until noon, which meant Sirius had time to kill until he could see Peter.

“Reggie?” Sirius whispered through the crack in the door frame just in case his mother had let Regulus sleep in longer than him, “You awake?”

“Yeah,” Reggie called back, “Come in.”

With a smile, Sirius twisted the doorknob and walked into his brother’s room. It hadn’t changed one bit since the last time he was in here last year. It had the same pristine finish on all of the furniture that Sirius’ room had, and had the same lack of character. When they were younger, the boys had spent lots of time drawing up plans of what they would want their bedrooms to look like should their parents have allowed it, and the rooms they sat in today couldn’t be any less different than those plans if they tried.

Regulus was sitting up in his bed, book open in front of him.

“What are you reading?” Sirius asked, walking over to sit opposite him, legs dangling over the side.

“Just some of my school books for after the summer,” Regulus replied as he closed to book and put it to one side.

“Are you excited then?” Sirius asked, “To come to Hogwarts?”

“Excited would be an understatement,” Regulus laughed softly, “But I’ve also never been more nervous.”

“I remember my first day,” Sirius said wistfully, “It was great. That was until I got to the sorting ceremony and I was put in Gryffindor. I just kept seeing Father’s face yelling at me the whole time. Not a nice image as I’m sure you can imagine.”

“Didn’t you want to be in Gryffindor?”

“Oh no, I did. I really, really did. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t know it would be so much easier if I was in Slytherin.”

“I want to be in Gryffindor,” Regulus said rather forcefully, “I really do. But Mother and Father said if I make the same mistake you did, then there will be consequences worse than I’ve ever experienced before.”

Sirius felt a pool of anger stirring inside him. It was one thing for his parents to threaten him, but his brother was an entirely different matter.

“Well, you know what I say?” Sirius replied, trying his best at a smile to mask his irritation, “Fuck what our parents think.”

“Sirius!” Regulus gasped, looking at the door, “They might hear you!”

“So what if they hear me?” Sirius chuckled, “Fuck you, Mother! Fuck you, Father!”

Regulus jumped on top of Sirius and push his hand over his mouth. Regulus looked like he was about to either punch his brother or throw up right on top of him.

“Sirius, please,” Regulus pleaded, his voice shaking slightly, “Be quiet.”

Lifting Regulus’ hand off of his mouth, Sirius put his arm around his brother’s shoulder and pulled him into a hug. Feeling his brother relax under his grasp, Sirius ruffled his hair with his knuckles.

“You and I,” Sirius whispered, “We’re going to be kings of Gryffindor tower, and there is nothing Mother or Father can do to stop that, okay?”

“Promise?” Regulus squeaked, turning his head to look up at his brother.

“Promise,” Sirius smiled.

The two brothers sat like that for a while. Both of them half full of fear and half giddy with anticipation and excitement for the year that was going to begin in a few weeks’ time. In fact, they only pulled apart when they heard the Grandfather clock chime eight in the morning. They had strict instructions to be down for breakfast at half eight, all dressed ready for the ceremony.

After saying a quick goodbye to Reggie, Sirius went back to his own room to prepare himself for the day. He had been telling himself over and over, every day since he left school, that everything was going to be fine, but he’s been in that position before. That was how it always went with his family. He’d promise himself he would be good, he’d reassure himself he wouldn’t get hurt, then he would end up on the harsh floor of the bathroom, clothes soaked in blood and eyes wet with tears.

The only thing keeping Sirius in check was the hope of seeing James this summer. He had been away for less than a week, and he already wished he and James were back at school, running down the halls firing spells as anyone and everyone. He wished that James was there with him today at the wedding. James would be the one to keep him from doing anything stupidly brave, stupidly funny or just stupid in general. James would also be the one to hug him after it was all over and clean up his cuts if worse turned to worst.

Back in his own room, Sirius sung open his wardrobe and pulled out the dress robed he had been presented with the evening before. It was almost as if his parents were daring him to snap back or get himself in trouble when they shoved the Green robes in his arms.

“Slytherin colours,” His mother had taunted, “Might teach you a thing or two about respect and honour.”

In his mind, Sirius was just pulling on his Gryffindor robe back in the safety of his school dorm room, but every time he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror, reality hit with an all too strong force. But he wasn’t going to let that stop him from being the perfect son for the day. He wasn’t doing it for his parents, he was doing it for himself and James- but let them think what they wanted to.

Sirius was combing his hair for the one-hundredth time when his brother entered the room.

“Ready?” Regulus asked, standing up tall in his matching dress robes.

“Let me just finish doing my hair,” Sirius said with a wink.

“Wouldn’t expect anything less,” Regulus laughed in answer, “I’ll see you down there?”

Sirius nodded and turned back to the mirror.

_Please don’t mess this up._

Quickly checking that he had the time, Sirius walked over to his desk and pulled out some parchment and his quill. It felt like a lifetime ago since he had sat at that desk, writing lines to trick his mind into only showing his mother what he wanted her to see. Though he didn’t think his mother would try any legilimency on him that day, the writing would still set his mind straight and calm his nerves.

‘I am the perfect son.’

He wrote this out for the whole first side of the parchment, then turned it over and wrote-

‘I must see James summer.”

Tucking the sheet into his pocket, Sirius collected himself and swept out of his room, praying to whoever would listen that he could keep his temper in check, just for one day. 

………

Sirius had decided it was best not to bring up the whole ‘going to stay with James for the rest of the summer until the wedding was over. That way- as long as it all went to plan- Sirius would be in his parent’s good books, and there would be more of a chance of him actually being allowed to go. Even with trying to avoid his parents all morning, they found a way to get him on his own.

A cold, bony hand clasped his wrist as he was walking past the library door, and Sirius was yanked inside. He hadn’t come back to the library since returning home, even though he really wanted to, purely because it reminded him too much of Christmas when he had run away. Being back inside sent a chill up his spine.

“Hello, Sirius,” Orion snarled at him once he had composed himself from the harsh pull on his arm.

“Good morning, Father,” Sirius replied, standing up a little straighter.

“I’m going to get straight to the point, boy,” His father spat, “I want to be very clear that if you even so much as-“

“I hate to interrupt Father,” Sirius said, not breaking eye contact, “But I wanted to apologise for my behaviour all through this year. I’ve been talking to Regulus and he’s helped me see that it really was an abomination to the name of our family. I can’t seem to even comprehend what I was thinking. I can assure you Father, and you also Mother, that there will be nothing but impeccable behaviour from your heir on this day.”

Orion stepped back in shock. He looked unnervingly disappointed that he no longer had reason to punish Sirius, but Sirius took that as a good sign. His father opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out- he was utterly speechless. Biting back a laugh, Sirius nodded to both his parents and strode out of the library, leaving to door open behind him.

Sirius grinned to himself all as he walked to the main hall where the rest of the guests had started to arrive. Looking around the spacious room, Sirius found his mouth gaping. He didn’t know who was responsible for the decorations, but whoever it was had really outdone themselves. The embellished walls had been decorated with coal-black and blood-red roses which glittered in the light of the chandeliers, from which hung floating golden stars which seemed to fall but disappear before they reached the head of the visitors. Every single chair was tied with a thick black ribbon which was knotted in a bow at the back. Down the middle of the chairs, ran a red piece of velvet, boarded in more black roses. At the end of the hall, the velvet met with an arch of black. From far away Sirius thought it was just black wood, but the closer he got, the clearer the arch became. Two snakes were twisted over a rod, slinking into each other and around the curve of the top, then back down the floor on the other side. The snaked eyes Sirius as he approached. Sirius held out a hand to-

“What are you doing?!”

Sirius pulled his hand away and hid it in his pocket, turning to see who had spoken. His heart nearly stopped when he saw Bella’s mother standing at the other end of the hall.

“Um…I…nothing I was just… I wanted to… looking… it’s nice,” Sirius stammered, trying to look everywhere except for at his aunt.

“Your cousin has told me many things about you Sirius,” Druella curled he lip up as she stalked towards him, “Bet you can guess how many of them are positive.”

“I wasn’t doing anything,” Sirius said, putting a little force in his voice as to not sound guilty, but not to give his aunt any reason to think he was being disrespectful.

“From what I’ve heard, you little blood traitor, you are always scheming. I would hate to think you believe you would get away with ruining my daughter’s wedding day.”

“I would never do such a thing.”

“I’m afraid that I don’t quite believe that.”

“I don’t… scheme… as you say, unless someone has done something to me that I don’t like. Bella has done nothing of the sort,” Sirius drawled, stepping closer to Druella, “However, if someone closely related to Bella, seemed to make me angry, then fitting punishment would be to mess up her day, no?”

Seeing his aunt stiffen brought Sirius so much enjoyment that he considered continuing. Luckily, he caught himself just in time. Smiling with the utmost sincerity, Sirius brushed past his aunt and went to see if Peter had arrived yet.

Sirius spotted his blonde hair at the back of a crowd by the entrance to the hall and picked up his pace. Sliding past his relatives unnoticed (he didn’t fancy another encounter with any of them just yet) Sirius found his friend.

“Sirius!” Peter gasped, “Thank Godrick! Please get me out of this gaggle of people, I think I might suffocate.”

Sirius laughed.

“Welcome to my world, mate,” Sirius said, grabbing Pete’s arm and dragging him away, “Let’s go outside. We’ve still got half an hour before the wedding starts.”

The sun blazed down so hot on the boys, that they had to pull off their robes, stripping down to just their ruffled shirts.

“James would get a good laugh out of this,” Peter sighed as he sat down under a tree for some shade.

“Let’s promise never to mention this to him, yeah?” Sirius grinned as he took a seat next to Pete, “Oi, Reggie!”

Sirius spotted his brother coming out of the hall, looking just as glum as he and Pete had moments before, and called him over.

“Hoe many relatives have pulled you aside so far?” Reggie groaned as approached.

“Well, you know I have a knack for sneaking around,” Sirius smirked, “Only had to face Druella so far.”

“But she’s one of the worst. I’ve had to talk to like five people claiming they were relatives, but I swear I’ve never seen them in my life!” Regulus complained as he too sat down with the boys.

“Pretty sure everyone here is related in some way,” Peter added with a roll of his eyes.

“That’s true,” Sirius agreed, “But anyone directly Black related is by far the worst of the lot.”

“Can’t say I disagree, mate,” Peter nodded, giving Sirius a sad smile, “Anything you’re planning then? To get to the worst ones? Maybe let the gnomes loose or something?”

“Like a prank?” Regulus’ eyes lit up with something that was either fear or excitement.

“For once, Pete, no. I’m on strict instruction from James to be on my best behaviour at all times.”

“Didn’t think I’d ever hear those words come out of your mouth,” Peter scoffed.

“And don’t think for a second they will ever be again,” Sirius laughed, “Come on, let’s get back inside so we can get seats away from all the worst family members.”

“Oh yay,” Regulus said sarcastically, “Ten minutes until the most exciting afternoon of our lives starts.”

“How bad can it be?” Peter laughed nervously.

“Very,” Sirius and Regulus replied.


	28. Summer '72- The wedding part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of child abuse.

The ceremony was over and much to his (well, everyone’s really) surprise, Sirius had managed to sit through it without sending the wedding into a mess of chaos. Bellatrix had turned the head of every person in the room as she waltzed gracefully down the aisle, her father Cygnus’ arm linked with hers. Her now-husband Rodolphus had met her under the daunting archway, and the vows had been exchanged. All that way left now, was for Sirius to sit- or rather play and dance- through the reception.

“Sirius,” Regulus said guiltily and he handed Sirius a glass of water, “Bad news.”

Sirius was slouched in a chair at the side of the ballroom. He hadn’t heard music like what was being played in so long; the broad pull of the violins, the high tinging of the flutes, the rounded warmth of the clarinet. He felt suddenly awkward and wasn’t really sure how to act. He had gotten used to the dirty feel of the records back at Hogwarts.

Sirius raised his eyebrow at Regulus but did not reply.

“Mother wants you to play the piano for everyone,” Regulus continued, trying his best at an encouraging smile.

“I can do that in my sleep, Reggie,” Sirius said, rolling his eyes, “What’s the real bad news?”

Regulus shuffled awkwardly in front of Sirius, dropping his gaze to his feet.

“Mother says you must dance the waltz with Bella,” Regulus mumbled as if he didn’t actually want Sirius to hear.

At this, Sirius sat up and nearly spat his water halfway across the ballroom.

Wiping the dribble from his chin, he said, “I have to dance with… with… Bella! Why?! I’m not her husband. Why can’t she dance with Mr Rude Dolphin over there?”

“Mr Rude Dolphin?” Regulus asked, frowning.

“I’ve been trying all day to come up with a funny name for Rudolphus like we have for everyone else in this family, but my mind just isn’t working.”

“Hate to say it Sirius, but I think you’re losing your touch. That’s worse than Mrs Lice and gall for Lysandra,” Regulus chuckled.

“Well, I did think your mind was a bit broken earlier when you said you weren’t planning a prank,” Peter interrupted, sitting down next to Sirius.

“Wotcher, Pete?” Sirius smiled, patting his friend on the shoulder, “Looking a bit down, mate.”

“You don’t look much better,” Peter sighed, “My Parents won’t shut up about how I should be more like you and James in every way possible. I think she’s even considering changing the colour of my hair!”

“Oh, Petey boy, this hair colour isn’t for your average wizard, is it Reggie?” Sirius said, tossing his hair in a flourish just to annoy Peter.

“It most certainly isn’t,” Regulus agreed with a grin.

Before Peter had the chance to respond, all three boys caught sight of Walburga storming towards them, black lace dress and satin robe billowing behind her. If looks could kill, Sirius thought he and both of the boys next to him would be on the floor in a second. Locking eyes with Regulus, Sirius gave his brother a brave smile and a nod as he stood up beside him. Peter scrambled up as well but hung back a few steps. Sirius didn’t blame him.

“Sirius,” Walburga said shortly, “I sent your brother ten minutes ago to ask you to come and play for the guests, and yet here you are still.”

“I’m sorry. I-“

“Do not interrupt me, boy. You can’t keep up this act for long, I know it’s killing you to act like a proper member of this family. You’re treading on very dangerous waters, coming and apologising to me and your father as if you are above us like that. You didn’t fool us. We are still watching you very, very closely,” Walburga hissed, “Now, enough messing around. Come, boy.”

Sirius felt Regulus squeeze his hand as he broke away to trail after his mother. Remembering James, he tried not to let his annoyance show on his face. Even doing everything he ought to do, he still wouldn’t be able to live up to his parent’s expectations. Pushing the intrusive thought down, he continued walking close to his mother as not to be stopped by any of his other relatives who were sure to have heard all the stories bout him and his may disappointments to the Black family name.

“What shall I play?” Sirius asked once they reached the grand piano.

“Whatever you should like to,” Walburga said, then added quickly, “Anything appropriate.”

With a nod from her son, Walburga walked away. A wave of nostalgia flooded over Sirius as he delicately brushed his fingers over the bone-white keys. He remembered all the evenings he would spend his hours in this room, trying to escape his own mind and family. Sometimes he would just play for himself, sometimes he would pretend people were listening, sometimes he would teach Reggie, and sometimes he and Reggie would laugh whilst they tried to sing along at the same time.

He glanced at the sheets of music that had been left in a pile on top of the piano, but he took a seat without picking any of them up. He didn’t need to read from a page, Sirius found his notes from a different place. He couldn’t explain, but as soon as Sirius laid his hands on the keys, something clicked inside his brain, and the whole ballroom slipped into oblivion. Inhaling deeply, Sirius pressed down slowly, letting the glorious sound fill his ears. From then on, Sirius played with more emotion than anyone knew he had in him. Music was the only way Sirius knew how to express himself. Whilst he loved the sound of the bass guitar or the drum sets he and the marauders listened to back in their dorm, being back at his piano made him realise the reason he fell in love with music in the first place. This very piano knew all of Sirius’ stories and secrets; he had told them with his own fingers.

Sirius played for what felt like forever, but in reality, must have been no more than ten minutes. Whilst he played, Sirius didn’t think about anything except the feeling of the piano beneath his fingertips, and the love of the sound that rang out in the room. He felt he could have stayed there for an eternity, just him and his piano- safe from everything. But of course, as Sirius knew better than most children his age, nothing good lasts forever.

His concentration was broken at the sound of a harsh voice.

It was his cousin’s.

“Get up! We’ve got to get this dance over with as quickly as possible,” She snarled, grabbing Sirius’ ear and pulling him up by it.

Sirius stumbled, still trying to pull himself back from the world of happiness he had just entered.

“Don’t tell me you’re stumbling over yourself already,” Bella cackled as Sirius straightened his robes.

“We’re supposed to dance,” Sirius growled, “Not talk.”

Bellatrix pursed her lips into a thin line. It was clear there were plenty of things she would like to say to Sirius, but luckily for him, she wanted the dance to be over just as quickly as him.

Throughout the song, both of them kept their eyes trained over the other's shoulder, keen not to make eye contact. That was fine by both of them. To Sirius’ surprise, at the end of the first song, he locked eyes with his mother who gave him a curt nod, indicating his dance was finished if he so wished it to be. Sirius frowned but he wasn’t about to question it. Pulling away from his cousin, Sirius went to find Peter who he knew would be leaving very soon.

“So, will I be seeing you at James’?” Peter asked him once Sirius had reached him.

“I bloody hope so, mate, but I’ve not asked Mother yet,” Sirius admitted.

“Well, you didn’t do anything remotely Sirius-like today so that’s got to count for something, right?”

“It should do, but you never know with my family.”

“Well, I’ll see you if I see you then,” Peter said pulling his traveling robe on.

“Yep,” Sirius smiled grabbing Pete into a hug, “Bye, Pettigrew.”

“Bye, mate.”

……….

That evening, once all of his family had left for their houses, Sirius and Regulus found themselves in the ballroom all alone. Both boys were struggling to keep their eyes open, yet neither of them wanted to sleep. Sirius had waited six months to finally see his brother again, and if he was going to spend a few weeks with James, he wanted as much time with Reggie as he could get.

“Do you remember when we used to play in here?” Sirius asked, lying on his back staring up at the towering ceiling.

“We thought we were unstoppable at that piano,” Reggie laughed.

“We were,” Sirius sighed, “No one could touch us back then.”

“No one can touch us if we don’t let them, Sirius,” Regulus said, standing up and holding out his hand for Sirius, “Come on.”

Sirius frowned, unsure what Regulus was planning, but took his hand anyway and got to his feet. Regulus walked over and sat down at the piano. Sirius’ eyes widened as his brother started playing a strangely formal version of Rip Off from Sirius’ favourite record Electric Warrior. He didn’t want to interrupt, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Where did you learn that?” Sirius asked, leaning on the opposite side of the piano so he could face Regulus who sat at the keys.

“I snuck into your room as listened to some of your records, I wanted to surprise you,” Regulus said, somehow continuing to play, “Sing?”

“What? Me? Sing? Regulus if Mother-“

“Like you said, who cares?”

Unable to stop himself, Sirius’ mouth broke into a smile that could most probably make even Grimmauld Place bright. Quietly at first, Sirius started singing along with Regulus’ playing. Then he started getting louder and louder until his brother joined in also. By the time they reached the chorus, Reggie stood up from the piano and stopped playing and both the boys were jumping up and down singing at the top of their voices.

_But I think I need a band aid_

_Just gonna rip it off_

_Might leave a scar if I pick it off_

On the final line of the song, Reggie bashed his fingers onto the piano, playing the last chord. Looking up at Sirius, Regulus burst out laughing, and it wasn’t long before Sirius joined in.

All the laughter vanished in an instant when the door opened.

“What is the meaning of this?” Orion growled as he rushed through the door.

“Um… we… sorry…I,” Regulus stammered, eyes rid of any joy they had held a few moments before.

“Just seeing if we’ve still got it,” Sirius said with a wink at his brother, “And I think yes. We most certainly do still have it.”

With that, Sirius grabbed Reggie’s wrist and pulled him past their looming father in the doorway all the way up to Regulus’ room, ignoring the shouts from Orion.

“Sirius, don’t you think we ought to go back?” Regulus urged as Sirius closed the door behind them.

“No way. Besides, we’re out of his hair now, he won’t come after us,” Sirius said, waving his brother off.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Regulus muttered as he collapsed on the bed.

“Well, let’s say he does come up here,” Sirius started, laying down next to his brother, “What’s he going to do? Yell at us a bit more? I think we’re pretty used to that by now.”

At first, Regulus didn’t answer, and Sirius thought he might have upset him, but then he turned onto his side to face Sirius and said, “He might hurt you.”

His voice was shaking and nearly silent, but Sirius heard him just fine. Sirius felt like he had been strangled.

“What?... how?... no, I,” Sirius tried to say, barely able to choke out the words.

“I’m not stupid, Sirius. I know what happens when you get pulled away from the dinner table, or when one of them takes you into a different room, or when you lock yourself in the bathroom. I knew you wouldn’t want me worrying about you so I pretend I didn’t know but… well, I’m sure you can guess how it felt to have to watch that happen to you. When you were away at school, I tried to talk to them, to tell them they had to stop. But they just would listen to me, they told me it was what you deserved and it would be what I got as well if I didn’t stop getting involved. I’m so sorry, Sirius. I tried but I didn’t know what to do. I left it too late, I know. I should have stepped in when I first realised, but I was just too much of a coward,” Regulus said.

He had pain streaming down his cheeks in tears, but his eyes only shone with guilt. Sirius couldn’t stand it.

“No. Reggie, it wasn’t your responsibility to look out for me. I was stupid, I got punished. That’s how it works,” Sirius said, sitting up taking his brother’s head in his hands, “Look at me Reggie, and tell me it wasn’t your fault.”

Regulus shook his head.

“Reggie, tell me,” Sirius insisted.

“I can’t,” Regulus cried, breaking free of Sirius’ grasp and walking over to the window, facing away from Sirius.

Steadily, Sirius got up and walked over to stand by his brother. They were silent for a moment.

“Do you remember learning about those stars?” Sirius asked softly.

“I remember you always getting the right answer one second before me, yes,” Regulus sniffed.

“Well, what can I say? Always was the smarter brother, wasn’t I?”

Sirius heard what he hoped was a laugh.

“We did everything together, Reggie,” Sirius said, “But at some point, we were going to have to go our separate ways for a little while. Both our paths were torture in different forms. Mine was physical, yours was having to sit back and let that happen. And you _did_ have to because otherwise, both of us would be on the same path. If we were both on the same path, then we couldn’t ever meet each other again at the end. Now we’ve finished our separate paths, and this year at Hogwarts, you and I are going to be just as we were. Now, look me in the eye and tell me you understand that it wasn’t your fault.”

Sirius watched his brother slowly turn to him, eyes still red.

“It wasn’t my fault,” He whispered.

“Sorry I didn’t hear that?” Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“I said it wasn’t my fault,” Regulus said, louder this time.

Sirius laughed and pulled his brother into a hug, Regulus wrapping his arms tight around him.

“Damn right it wasn’t,” Sirius laughed, “Now, I’m exhausted. Let’s sleep.”


	29. Summer '72- The potters

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,  
> I don't really know how to say this but I am unable to continue with this fanfiction any longer. My time is needed elsewhere at the moment, and I can't afford to spend it writing this. Thank you to everyone who had read this so far and I am so sorry that I can't continue it any longer. I hope you can understand the situation from my point of view but it's just an unrealistic expectation with all the other things I have going on at the moment. I've still got the Azkaban chapters written and I will finish those and post them, but I won't be continuing the actual story. The main reasons are my school work, my sports training, my music, and also a little bit of the hate I've been getting on this (please don't think I'm trying to make people feel bad for me, this isn't the main reason I swear). This is the last chapter I'm going to be posting, then, over the next week or two, I will be finishing and posting the Azkaban chapters. The story will end when Sirius decides he is going to escape.  
> Again, I'm really sorry to everyone who was enjoying this, and thank you so much for the support.

25th July

“Do you really have to go?” Regulus asked clasping onto Sirius' hand, “You have only just gotten back!”

“I know Reggie, I know,” Sirius said sadly, “And I’m going to miss you more than you will ever know. But remember, I’ll be seeing you at the station in no time.”

“That’s over a month away,” Regulus complained.

“You and I both know you’ll be safer without me here. The only reason Mother is letting me go is so that she doesn’t have to deal with me messing up all the secret stuff she and Father are doing.”

“But can’t I come with you?”

“Of course not!” Sirius laughed, “Do you really think Mother and Father will let another one of their children be friends with the Potters?”

“But they don’t know you’re going to the Potter’s; they think you’re with Peter!”

“Next year, when you’re in Gryffindor with us, and you’ve met James, then you can come, okay?”

“But what if I’m not?” Regulus said, lowing his voice as if he sounded ashamed.

“Not what?”

“Not in Gryffindor?”

“You have to be! You can’t go to Slytherin. You’re way too good for them.”

“But Mother-“

“Reggie,” Sirius said calmly, “Mother and Father are going to tell you that you have to be in Slytherin, but you don’t.”

“Yes, I do,” Regulus said, turning to face him, eyes harsh.

“No, you don’t, Reggie,” Sirius said frowning.

“You don’t understand.”

“Reggie, I promise-“

“Enough with your promises, Sirius!” Regulus yelled, “You never keep them! When we were little you promised me Mother and Father would get better, you promised me you would never leave me alone with them, you promised me they would never hurt either of us! You don’t know what they say to me when you’re not there, Sirius! They….. they say that…. they are pure evil!”

Sirius felt his anger rising. He had done nothing but try to protect his brother since the day his born.

“You think I don’t know that!” Sirius growled, “You think that whatever telling off you’re getting is worse than the scars on my legs? I promised you those things as a way of keeping myself sane, and keeping you safe!”

“And how did that work out for you? Do we look safe now?” Regulus countered.

“No! Why do you think I’m leaving for James’?”

“So, you’re running away? You told me to be brave, Sirius.”

“Grow up Regulus! Bravery doesn’t mean safety!”

“No, It means protecting the people you love over yourself!”

“All I ever do is to protect you, Regulus! Fair enough, I left you when I went to school, but what I supposed to do? I couldn’t just not go! I stayed up night after night worrying about you-“

“Worrying isn’t the same as protecting!”

“I wrote to you to make sure you were safe, I went to tea with Bella and Cissy so that you wouldn’t be punished, I left at Christmas so that I didn’t put you in any more danger than I already had, I didn’t write to you after that even though it was killing me no to, just so Mother couldn’t accuse you of anything, I behaved at the Wedding so that we were both in the good books!”

“Don’t you dare pretend you did any of those things for me! You only care about yourself!”

“And what have you ever done to protect me?!”

Regulus went suddenly stiff. He looked like thin ice, as though one more comment from Sirius could completely shatter him. After a moment, he and opened his mouth to object, but then he stopped.

He let out a long breath and said calmly, “You have no idea what I do for you. I hope you have fun at your friends, Sirius. I’ll see you at the station.”

Sirius watched, mind whirling as his brother walked away from him. Regulus was right. Sirius was leaving him all alone in a house with two people who will have no trouble torturing him. What kind of brother did that?

“Reggie, wait!” Sirius called down the hallway.

But his brother was already out of sight.

……….

Standing outside James’ house, Sirius suddenly felt very nervous indeed. Come to think of it, apart from his family and the teachers at Hogwarts, Sirius had never met any other adults; certainly not anyone whom he needed to make a good impression on.

Sirius had used floo powder to get to Peter’s just in case his mother had decided to track him, had lunch there, and then the two boys made their way across the street to James’.

“Alright, mate?” Peter asked, a frown on his face, “Look a bit nervous.”

“Fine, yeah, fine, good thanks,” Sirius mumbled, walking towards the door.

Peter scrambled after him. Before Sirius even had a chance to knock on the door, it swung open, revealing a smiling face and a mess of black hair.

“Well, well, well,” James grinned, “What at do we have here? A couple of stowaways?”

“Good day, Mr Potter,” Peter smiled right back.

“Ahh, Mr Pettigrew. What a pleasant surprise,” James laughed, taking the trunk out of Peter’s hand, “And Mr Black. How have you been old friend?”

“Very well, old man, thank you,” Sirius said with a nod and a smile, all nerves suddenly vanishing.

“Good to hear, old chap, good to hear,” James replied, “Come on in, Lads.”

Sirius and Peter followed James down a hallway, and into the living room, where two people (who Sirius assumed were James’ parents) were sat.

“Hello, Mr Potter, Mrs Potter,” Peter said as they entered.

“Peter,” James’ mother smiled warmly, “Lovely to see you again so soon. It’s only been a week or so since you were last here.”

“Sorry Mrs Potter,” Peter said, looking at his shoes, “I don’t mean to intrude.”

“Not at all darling, not at all,” Mrs Potter gasped, pulling Peter into a hug, “We’re always glad to have you here.”

Peter beamed, and moved to the side. Sirius cleared his throat.

“Hello, I’m Sirius,” He croaked, careful not to say his last name just in case.

“Yes, Mr Black, Right?” James’ father asked, “Heard lots about you. Must say, quite a fan. James has been telling me all about the pranks you and your friend Remus Lupin have come up with.”

“Fleamont!” Mrs Potter gasped, sounding quite appalled, “Don’t encourage that behaviour.”

Fleamont winked at Sirius, who was standing frozen in shock, mouth wide open. He had never once had a compliment by any adult, let alone his father. Sirius felt a hint of jealousy towards James pulling at his heart.

“Calm down Euphemia,” Fleamont chuckled, “This is the Black heir we are talking to, It's not as if his grades are going to be lacking, is it?”

Sirius winced at that. He had hoped that in coming here, the burden of being the Black heir would be lifted, but it seemed that no matter where he went or what he did, that was all anyone ever knew him for.

“Dad!” James hissed angrily, eyes wide, “What did I tell you about mentioning that?”

Sirius opened his mouth to protest and tell James it was fine. He couldn’t bare the though of James being punished for his sake. But what happened next, Sirius would never forget.

“Merlin! Of course! James I’m so sorry, I completely forgot,” Fleamont said hurriedly, “Sirius, please forgive me, I didn’t mean any offence. I won’t mention your family again.”

James had as good as yelled at his father, and yet Fleamont was apologising to James _and_ Sirius.

“Um, I think… I need some… it’s very hot… outside,” Sirius stumbled over his words as he ran for the front door.

Once he was outside, Sirius collapsed on the front step. Sirius had know the house that he had grown up in wasn’t normal, but he hadn’t realised how terrible it really was. If Sirius would have said what James had to his father, Sirius would be left in a pool of red on the bathroom floor. It was all too much to handle. Sirius felt horrible for running away with no explanation, but if what he had just witnessed was anything to go on, he wasn’t going to be in much trouble at all.

“Sirius,” James’ voice asked carefully, “Can I come and sit down?”

Sirius said nothing, but he nodded. Closing the door behind him, James walked towards him.

“Are you okay?” James asked.

“Yeah, sorry, don’t know what happened,” Sirius mumbled, playing with hus hands in his lap.

“Sorry about my dad. I told him not to mention your family.”

“It’s okay.”

James put his arm across Sirius, but didn’t say anything else. James knew what Sirius was really thinking- he always did. Not long after, the door opened again.

“Sirius son, are you alright?” Mr Potter asked.

Sirius flinched. That word. Son. He’d never been called that before. Sirius thought he liked it.

“Dad!” James cried, “I told you to-“

“It’s alright James,” Sirius said standing up, “I’m good thank you, Mr Potter. Sorry I made a scene.”

“Don’t apologise, Sirius. It’s quite understandable,” Mr Potter beamed at him, “Now, who wants a game of quidditch?”

………

“Goodnight, James,” Mrs Potter said, pulling James into a big hug.

“Mum!” James groan was muffled in her clothes.

“And you, Peter,” She continued, also hugging him.

“Goodnight, Mrs Potter,” Peter said, looking happier than Sirius had ever seen him.

“See you tomorrow, Sirius,” She said, lifting her hand.

Time slowed. All Sirius could see was her hand. Her hadn’t that was raised and coming towards him. His mind flashed. Images of his own mother, hand raised the feeling of pain across his cheek. Sirius scrunched his face and turned away, hand out in front of his face for protection.

Time resumed. Everything was deafeningly silent. When the pain didn’t come, Sirius slowly opened his eyes and lowered his hand. His breathing was shallow and shaking, and the room was beginning to tilt slightly. He knew what was happening; he was about to slip away. He couldn’t let that happen. His knees buckled, but there was an arm around him, holding him up.

“Come on,” James coaxed, “Let’s get you up to bed. Peter, get a glass of water.”

Sirius didn’t know how he did it, but James managed to get him all the way up the stairs, into his room, and onto his bed.

“Okay, mate,” Peter said, sitting down beside him, “Here’s your water.”

Sirius tried to take it, but he couldn’t control the trembling of his hands.

“It’s okay. I’ve got it,” Peter said softly.

Peter propped up the pillows, and Sirius shifted himself so he was sitting up. As Peter lifted the glass to his lips, Sirius drank gratefully. Only once the glass was completely empty, did Peter put it down.

“Thanks, Pete,” Sirius smiled weakly.

“No problem.”

“Okay, mate,” James said, “Want to go to sleep?”

“If that’s okay,” Sirius said guiltily.

“Of course. We’ll have plenty of time to do all the fun stuff tomorrow,” James reassured him.

Sirius tried to get himself up, but James pushed him right back down again.

“Don’t even think about it,” James spoke sternly, “I’ll take the chair, and Peter’s fine on the floor. You stay in the bed.”

“But it’s you bed!” Sirius tried to protest.

“But you’re the guest,” James returned with a shrug.

“So is Peter!”

“I practically live here every day, every summer,” Peter laughed.

“Yeah, I’ve still not managed to get rid of him,” James smirked.

“Do one you tosser,” Peter scoffed.

Sirius sniggered.

“Right, well, rest up everyone. It’s quidditch try-outs this year, we have a lot of work to do!” James announced, walking over to his chair.

Peter groaned loudly.

“I’m not doing quidditch practice with you! It’s supposed to be a holiday!” Peter complained.

“Holidays are for doing fun things, Pete!”

“Exactly! So why would I want to exercise?”

“Well, Peter, if you would rather stay in bed all day, be my guest. Me and Black will have much more fun without you.”

“Hate to break it to you, Potter. But I’m not leaving this bed until lunchtime,” Sirius said, lying back down again. He hadn’t realised how tired he really was.

“Fine,” James rolled his eyes, “You can spend the morning telling me all about the beautiful dress robes you two had to wear at Bellatrix’s wedding!”

“No!” Peter and Sirius exclaimed at once.

“Well then,” James smirked, curling up in a ball on the chair, “Quidditch practice it is.”


End file.
